HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Heat Is Back!


I HAVE HEAT! All for the sake of a busted 13A fuse... now refrigeration is back... heat is back (from cooker-power)... TEA is back too. I've bought 250g of McVite's digestives ("70% wholemeal wheat and goodness!") in celebration.

Whooh! To be honest I thought after last night's sounding off nobody would ever want to talk to me again.

Mixed sex hospital wards (especially for the over 50s) in this country nobody wants them. And I really feel sorry for old ladies trapped with old men going "rampant" upon them. Not (usually) literally... but who knows.... How on earth is that condusive to getting better. Yes it probably is a cultural thing, but it's not part of the culture here. Surely (as I said) someone can simply re-divvy up the floorspace M~F~M~F again... what's so difficult about that?

Kids: I don't hate kids at all but if you've seen how badly they let rip (here in London, I'm not trying to speak for anywhere else) they seriously are little devils-in-the-making... Even Americans, people from the very home of guncrime and disorder say our kids are something else which must surely make you think...

Now it's not so to-the-bone chilly I might be able to tempt Itchy out for a heavily supervised ramble. Before this morning I don't blame them all for hiding in teaboxes, nests of cotton ... etc...

Hey! Now I've got heat back I can also wash clothes... which was temporarily pretty impossible (well, unless you were willing to give them 2 days per item to dry)... and then risk it smelling of a summer camping holiday. Eurgh.

I've dredged up some extra-special pagan Xmas things on video. The sacramento "flower crowns" people go on for 20 mins but are fairly entertaining. If you don't like that go for the Two Ronnies "Worm That Turned"... an "Apocalyptal" View of the World ruled by women in leather hot-pants.

Videos:
True Meaning of Xmas
Two Ronnies Worm That Turned I and II


***

PS (11:40pm) Poor Baby Itchy went out for a highly supervised nonjumpy-down ramble tonight. She was awfully subdued and circumspect. I think she's got bored of her enclosed life of toilet tubes, a wheel and an old Parmesan cheese tub as a toilet!!

***

Rudolph the red-nose rain-DOG ... from Lamplight's blog ...

***

Hey I got visitors from all 6 continents again!

My stats are no more voluminous than anyone else's, but my visitors do seem to come from especially far and wide, which I find enormously flattering... as well as mysterious as I don't know who the vast majority of these people are!


***

Look at this amazing front lawn parrotry pecking about the grass... rainbow lorrikeets etc etc...

(from Bimbimbie's, which means "place of the birdies" in mysterious Aboriginal...)

17 comments:

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds! Sorry I haven't ben over for a while but i've been on my knees trying to cope with new job and Oz cousin's visit! Anyway, I voted for Tinkerbelle because I like the grumpy minx and I want to wish you a very BUON NATALE from Sicily. Oh, and Simi wants to join in , too! xxxx

Gledwood said...

grazie!

Granny said...

Hi Gledwood and thanks for dropping by my site.

I know one other person in London - Michael. Perhaps that's where you saw me?

In any event, have a joyous Christmas/Boxing Day and feel free to steal anything from my blog you wish. After all, I stole it in the first place (from You Tube).

A few posts back I have a clip of Kiri singing Gesu Bambino. It's nice too except most of my readers who commented didn't know who she or the song was.

lime said...

glad you've got heat.

wishing you and the robos a merry christmas

Gattina said...

Just popped in to wish you a MERRY CHRISTMAS !

Rita said...

Nice to see the two Ronnies, although the clip was abysmal. I really like those two comedy actors.

The "Rein-dog" was lovely :)

No snowflakes here in Hell-sin-ki, but Christmas lights do look good when it's pitch black, and the red traffic lights twinkle oh so brightly.

A very Merry to you, Gledwood!

The Ancient Mariner said...

Gledwood,

Here's wishing you a Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year 2008!

Gledwood said...

Granny: Dame Kiri is quite famous here bc she sang at Prince Charles's wedding, in the cathederal in 1982 and that launched her international career so I heard. I think her voice is amazing...

... I had come to you by hopping out of a friend of a friend's comments on a "blog hop" that I sometimes do, that's probably how I got confused about the London connexion. Have a very Merry One yourself!

;->...

Lime: You too!! ;->...

Gattina: Joyeaux Noelle! ;->...

Gledwood said...

Rita: the two Ronnies were my favourite, esp Ronnie Barker but I think he's dead now...

... they said the dog had to be bribed with lots of doggie treats to get that photo. She does look really entertaining doesn't she.

I actually guessed she was a F but the blog bore me out. She just looks like a lady dog, know what I mean ..?!?

;->...

Ancient Mariner: You too

Have a Very Entertaining One
and a Brilliant 2008
Everyone

;->...

Bimbimbie said...

Wishing you some Festive Joy Gleds

... see you already have the start of it with the tea and McVite's, thank goodness you have some heat back too - well done that man *!*

Lord of the Dance ... I didn't know the connection to Lord Shiva ... brainwashed at Sunday School see! Beaming on the inside now as I think how we used to sing that one off the tops of our little heads.

Two Ronnies brilliant *!*

Very cute Rain-dog too

Gledwood said...

o no I'm sure that "Lord of the Dance" is pagan... even the tune sounds ... well not "traditional"ly English and Shiva was definitely Lord of the Dance

I think it crept in under the guise of "inclusivity"~!!

Bimbimbie said...

gleds ... in answer to your two questions about the birds and bird translation .... "flocked if I know" ;) ... sorry but it's the only time of year I can get away (hopefully) with a bad joke - got it from a cracker ... one of Polly's perhaps

Merry Chrissie *!*

Vincent said...

Hi Gleds, thanks for your kind wishes on my blog.

I wish you a very nice Christmas too and I hope that 2008 will bring what you expect out of it which is hopefully a lot :-)

I'm glad to read you got your power back so stuff is working again.

have a good one mate,

Vinz.

by-lamplight said...

I love McVitties Digestives!! Especially the chocolate ones - no better way to celebrate than a few McVits and a nice hot cup of tea!!
Thanks for stopping by = glad you had a good festive day. I wish I was in the UK - I am from the North originally and still yearn for winter (especially in mid-summer Australia!)

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: ;->...

Vincent: ;->...

Lamplight: McVite's yumm ;->...

!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood