HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Weary Rainy Furry Afternoon...

WELL IT'S A RAINY FURRY AFTERNOON. All my gremlins are dozing in their toilet tubes. The parmesan box still stinks of wee-wee.

Very weary indeed I am. Extremely weary. And tired. And just wanting to go sleep and sleep for hours.

Three dreams I've had I can remember. Dream one: with a staffordshire bull terrier in a council house urban park with railways running underneath. I'm throwing a frisbee to a magnificently over-eager fit doggie who charges around. (Haven't a clue what this dream means.) Dream two: Me looking into my eyes in mirror. My pupils are heavily dilated. Maybe I've taken ecstasy or am in withdrawals but my eyes look like dinner plates. This dream kind of came on contextless at the end of the night before last... no idea why... Dream three: a horror dream. Being chased by people round my old school which had lots of internal miniquads (you know, interior tiny gardens to let light into classrooms... they were so tiny and barely EVER opened up. Just weed ridden. Never saw anybody go in there. Which I was wondering about in my dream until somebody who was stalking me chased me into the dreamers' laundrette. And then I was persuaded INSIDE a washing machine. And then my evil pursuer SHUT THE DOOR ON ME!!! I woke up feeling suffocated... ugh! That was a nasty one.

Boney M's River's of Babylon is still going round my head after yesterday's posting as song of the day...

Nottalotmoretosay... my head is spinning. Pricking needles into my legs this morning (lovely heroin). Baby Itchy bleary headed emerging from toilet tube upon my cries of "come out you fat pink nose!" then running 21 to the dozen on the wheel like a pinging tubby fieldfragrant smell of fresh corn mousie. Her furr has the most wondrous smell when she is fresh and has not been sleeping in her own wee (the swine!)... as I say, like fresh fields in summer...

Before I go I must ask you: has everyone heard the canoist scandal?!? The Sun newspaper's cartoonist portrayed it best... a man paddling rapidly against a craggy gorge with "SH*T CREEK" on a huge sign... leafery growing over the letter "i"... two leering policemen holding up the poor man's paddle!
Basically this man, a keen champion canoist, went to see one day five years ago never to return. He hauled himself into a police station on Saturday saying he "might be reported missing" and "could not remember anything at all from the past five years" (how then did he know he might be reported missing? and what made him hand himself in to police if he'd done nothing wrong? if I were in an innocent situation like that I'd go straight back to my family. Police would be the last thing on my mind...) Anyway, it turns out his wife had recently emigrated to Panama. Sold up their house, everything and vanished out there. PLUS following an open but favourable coroner's verdict on his "death"... she claimed on his life insurance! Then one of the newspapers dredges up a photo of man and wife together IN PANAMA - last year!
The scandal deepens!
The man is under arrest now.
His buck-teethed wife is avoiding the bloodthirsty British press like the living pox...
... and I'm sure this will end in twice as many tears as have already been shed...

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PS Slight exaggeration of my reportage on HM the Queen throwing sticky buns at her corgis yesterday. However it IS true that she has lots of cakes delivered that she never touches (just feeds to her dogs...)

*

Have a nice day everyone!

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Videos of the Day:
Puppies Discovering the World Aged 7 Weeks
Streisand: Moonfall
Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand: You'll Never Know

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PS Dolly Parton's literacy project came to the UK yesterday for a launch in the (fairly obscure) Yorkshire town of Rotherham!

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Japan Advertisement Special!

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German-speaking person's Spanish Buildings Blog

They're well worth a look!

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Here's an Argentinian island that is not chilly windswept and freezing cold like the Argentine-claimed "Malvinas" (Falklands).

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Thailand

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Top Irish model Katy French, who had admitted to "doing cocaine" has died after an illness that left her comatose in hospital for the past four days. The model star of the RTE series Celebrities Go Wild was 24 years old.

BTW I got this info originally from the BBC's most "respectable" news prog, Radio 4's news at midnight. "Celebrities Go Wild" is nothing to do with partying, chainsmoking drunken beautiful people. It's a group of Irish models, singers actors type people surviving in the remote rocky storm-tost coastline of Connemara!


24 comments:

zen wizard said...

The Dolly Parton Literacy Project?

I'm fer it!

I think more Country & Western stars should go to England and teach English people how to read good and spell English words more better.

Eileen said...

I read about the canoeist in the Canadian smut newspaper...funny enough called The Sun (and before you tell me I gather it's owned by the same print mogul). It was an insurance scam, however, it does make for a good story.

Dolly Parton literacy programme in England....finally ya'll will learn how to talk properly ;)! I think more of the world should incorporate "awesome" into their everday vernacular, it covers so much....

And before I go....keep this in mind....

This is your brain (close eyes and picture frying pan). This is your brain on drugs (close eyes and picture egg cracked into frying pan previously pictured in your mind's eye). K, now don't do em.

Have a good un'

Gledwood said...

ZenWizz: Dolly's Daddy couldn't read nor write at all, so she tells. That's why she loves the smell and touch of books so much... (didn't say nothin' about readin' 'em..!)

Eileen: aaargh has Rupert Murdoch invaded over there too~?!?
How comes he only buys papers in English speaking countries ?? Is it because he wants to read self-flattering articles about himself and his other businesses? me asks me self ...

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

that canoest story is ridiculous! What did he do, have a fight with his wife, and thought he'd do her in for fraud, along with himself? twat.

zen wizard said...

I wasn't aware of that factoid--

I guess she makes a good spokesperson, then...

My dad was three hours away from a master's degree, and hers was illiterate.

Now I have an 820-square foot apartment and she has a whole town named after her, so go figure!

Lucy in the Sky said...

Hi there! Thanks for visiting my blog. In fact, I am not on the Malvinas. I am in the Patagonian Andes, in a place called San Martín de los Andes. I am an English-Spanish translator and I am a fan of nature, the English language and musicians such as Sir David Gilmour and the Beatles. You are welcome to come along whenever you feel like it. I will certainly be visiting you quite often. It's very nice to meet you!

Eileen said...

There is a song by Billy Childish that references Rupert Murdoch - I think it is entitled Joe Strummer's Grave - try and find it - pretty "awesome".

Dan said...

Hey Gleds! Every time I stop by you have, like, 12 new blogs going! Man, you ain't never gonna get that memoir done at this pace!! :)

Alexys Fairfield said...

I read that story. Amazing what people will do huh?

Stay well my friend.

Gledwood said...

Vi Vi: I wonder I wonder why on earth would she move out there 6 weeks ago then he returns NOW to say he's been "missing" 5 years I seriously don't get it. Maybe they found they couldn't live together "alive" after all ??

Zen Wizz: Hmmm.

Lucy int Sky: No no I knew it was NOT the malvinas bc they are very bleak like the shetland islands! Looks very nice where you are though I have never heard of San Martin de los Andes !

Gledwood said...

Eileen: the name rings a bell... it is to do with MURDOCH~??? O, ok it references him. Still pretty odd

Dan: I know I probably never shall finish them at this rate I got so depressed by my own life while I was last writing them...

Alexis F: I can't wait to find out what really happened chez the canoists...

Nicole said...

Speaking of Boney M... they had some of the funniest album covers ever!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Boney_M._-_Love_For_Sale_%281977%29.jpg

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds, just popped in see how your going. Good on Dolly, Oh I dont know what dreams maen but after those you must have woken feeling washed out, take good care..

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ We heard the story of the missing canoeist turning up. Sounds suspicious. I hope you don't continue to have those weird dreams.
The thing on my nose is possibly a skin cancer, so I hope this last lot gets rid of it. I presume your warts didn't return after being frozen off?
Take care, Regards, Merle.

Gledwood said...

Nicole: yeah! Thanks! And did you know only one of them sang? Even though all 4 are depicted doing so on stage... also they were meant to be the only disco era group to have Soviet-side success (¬)(!)(!)

Jeanette: knackered, yeah!

Merle: are you talking about "rodent ulcer" the very slow skin cancer? I hope it is not melanoma, surely! The warts> definitely not! Never returned again after getting frozen off. Take care Merle

have a cheery weekend everyone!

Whitenoise said...

Can you still write after taking heroin? How long does the effect last. (No, I'm not considering it...) ;-(

Gledwood said...

O yeah you can once you get a certain immunity or tolerance to it... the main effect is meant to last 4 hours. The residual effect lasts 12 hours which means 12 hours is the longest most addicts would go between fixes.
It CAN knock you unconscious, but more often you just feel a lot better. As if you could inject a good meal, 2 double brandies and an evening by a crackling fire in pharmaceutical form ...

;->... (sad but true)

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Hi Gled, If I dont get a chance to visit you again before I leave to Oz, I'd like to wish you a Merry Christmas! Hope you have a good one!.

WAT said...

The Queen's dogs get better fed than I do it seems! I'm jealous! I want one of those yummy cakes.

Ye British are most possessive and protective of those Falklands aren't u?

Akelamalu said...

Ah yes the canoeist and his wife - not very clever were they! Apparently she was due back in England today and will be arrested for fraud!

Gledwood said...

Vi Vi: Have a great time followin' that yellow brick road! O! You mean OzTRALIA. OK have a fantastic time there too

Wat: o yeah they are the only bits of faraway rock we got LEFT man

Akelamalu: I know. Tomorrow morning's news I guarantee you it'll be the first item. "She was arrested getting off plane from Panama..."

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Yes, everyone's following the Darwin case in amazement here. What a horrible pair they are.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood