HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Robo Water Crisis!

FOR TWO DAYS NOW my robbies have been lacking a reliable water supply. They used to get water from a bottle taped to the glass quite securely. The tape ran out and I made alternative arrangements, balancing the bottle over cardboard etc... this didn't work the bottle fell down and Bashful and Spherical nearly beat it up, biting and nudging at it to try and force water out. When of course my Giant Hand came to their aid they gazed up at its celestial appearance and scrambled away for sheer terror! Then I set it up again but the tape was too thin and came down. Their only reliable water these past 2 days has come from fresh cucumber! And the sogginess left by a slowly leeching out waterbottle.

I once tried them with water in a pot, like Pingpong the excellently behaved Chinese hamster. These roborovskis are not well behaved at all, however. Nary had it been down half an hour than Bashful tried to go swimming in it - sploshed in! - then pinged out in astonishment as if shocked that so much water could be so wet! If it had been Itchy I'd have wrapped her up in warm towels, but Bashful by name; Bashful by nature. She shot into the teabox to dry off alone in the fluffiness that fills it ...

My last efforts at reattaching the bottle have also failed. Said bottle is on the floor, leaking into the sawdust - where at least they have enough moisture to drink even if it's not ideal. They are after all desert critters and are supposed to be adapted to make to without any supply of moisture save the morning dew... but I heard a sad tale of someone who went away for a week to find their rebellious tubby had taken on himself to rearrange his home, pushing the plastic hammyhouse up against the water bottle, which either blocked it off or caused it to empty out... either way, the poor hammy had already died.

So I've invested in ultra-secure thick tape this time so no more waters-spills, so to speak and hopefully Spherical, Bashful and Itchy will be pinging happily for a long time yet!

***

Xmas is approaching and I think I have got an invitation to do Xmas lunch at Mother Hubbs's. They weren't sure whether they weren't going out to eat this year... but the way it's going I expect they will do Xmas at home after all.

So I shan't be stuck on my own with a turkey sandwich and a gnarled copy of Dickens!

***

Talking of literature I'm still on the trawl for something OK to read.

Three books I do have are:
~ Dickens' Bleak House (as frequently mentioned) ...
~ Dostoyevsky's Brothers Karamazov. My English teacher at school said this was the most boring book he'd ever opened, which personally I take as a contrary sort of recommendation as he recommended Joseph Andrews to me which I found wafflesomely longwinded!
~ Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment. This one's quite good and I'm already about two thirds of the way through. My problem was the poor paperback falling in half! And a necessary hunt for the unknown second section ....

I also think I have Dostoyevsky's The Idiot somewhere lurking in a corner... however I really could not say where ...

UNFORTUNATELY I cannot use the public library, cheery idea as it is, as I've still got overwhelming debts to them from nearly a decade ago. I'm reduced instead to trawling the charity shops and ordering notable books from the budget classics ranges from the local "stores"... this part of London is disgustingly badly supplied with bookstores though, I have to say.

***

ALL MANNER OF VULGARITY was going on in my house late last night. I reckon I was the only one to get any rest in there. I dread to think precisely what was going on... and so I don't want to know.

***

I'm busy summoning up characters for my own novel. Which I wrote out once; but for various reasons I'm unhappy with the haggard old plot. And so I'm going to perform something midway between a common rewrite and a total reworking; just keeping some of the same characters and situations but making a totally new construction out of it...

Last night I got a little paranoid about my powers of characterization. I believe that in fiction the portrayal of character is far more fundamental and important than even a good story. Why? Because in a great story it's the characters we remember as much if not more than what happened... It's the characters that make us want to come back to their wonderful world... I could go blithering on but will leave it for later. I need something to start penning directly the very second my memoirs are over!

***

Have you ever seen a white robin? This one was photographed in an East Dorset garden and got in the Times and Sun newspapers this morning....

***

Here's the link for the BBC's brand new Oliver Twist adaptation. Typical me to have mist the 1st 2 parts but what the heck. Mr Bumble's getting married tonight!

***

IF ANYBODY WANTS TO EMAIL ME YOU CAN GET IN TOUCH AT
HAMMYNUTTER@LYCOS.COM


***

I had a peer in the tartan washing bag just now. All three gremlins are rambling on the wheel, two at a time with the spare one pinging around the perimeter. Spherical has packed her pouches so exceedingly she is seriously globular and sending Itchy looping the loop round and round again ...

***

SO THE GREAT READING POLL CLOSES...
Charles Dickens wins the day...

The one I really want most is Great Expectations as that is the story I know second best after Oliver Twist...
I'm also hunting out my copy of The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoyevsky but cannot presently find it anywhere...

***

NOW I'M PUTTING UP A NEW POLL...
My forthcoming fiction shall feature a giant, ill-tempered slavering hellhound of an English Mastiff who spends her time savaging pram wheels, dolls, etc; pulling soft toys apart... growling at houseguests, baying at the light fittings etc etc. She has a total personality change, however, when she gets "raped" down the park by a local rottweiler... leading to a howling, baying, snaggle-toothed litter of puppies!
Anyway, which of these three names do you think fits best?
(In alphabetical order)
Gwendolina
Pansy
Tinkerbelle
???
Vote now (up top)...!!


***

Video:
My Lil Turkey Farm

14 comments:

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, pity about the library being off limits to you. I was listening to an interview here yesterday about a lady who had lost a friend to a heroin overdose. She wanted to do something to honor her friend and became involved with one of the mobile soup kitchens. She began to notice that the regulars would be sitting waiting for the van and some where reading well worn books. She then got the idea of organising books and magazines to be donated to her group and which she hands out each night with the soup and food.

btw I came across a picture of a Chinese Christmas card .... will try to get it on my post today ... or do you have an email I can send direct to you ... had some characters on it you might be able to read *!*

Gledwood said...

this is my email: hammynutter@lycos.com

zen wizard said...

I like the name, "Margaret" for the dog.

zen wizard said...

(Your Xmas present! !Feliz Navidad!)

molson said...

I think I would name the Mastif 'Catherine the Great', or just Cat for short but I went ahead and voted on one of your choices.

Have a very merry Chistmas lunch with Mother Hubbard there Gledwood and be sure to give the robos and Yang Yang their Christmas broccoli trees.

Peace to all.

lime said...

you need duct tape! that stuff will hold anything!

and i think my new favorite modifier is 'wafflesomely.' i shall have to find a way to work that into conversations sometime soon. thank you.

as for the mastiff...tinkerbell makes me giggle

Whitenoise said...

Yeah, I voted for tinkerbelle. I've always liked the juxtaposition of a goofy little name for a big, intimidating dog. My last German Shepherd (Alsation to you) was "Orville". Maybe you should consider Fluffy or Muffy, maybe Cuddles... ;-)

Arjan said...

I'll read up later on but first:

Merry Christmas & a happy New Year!!

Arjan said...

I'll read up later on but first:

Merry Christmas & a happy New Year!!

Gledwood said...

Zen Wizard: after Margaret Thatcher..??

Molson: o yeah mustn't 4get that broccoli actually haha!

Lime: you've changed your "avatar" haven't you??... TOTALLY different... righto: yeah. Duct tape type stuff I used to have. Actually though the tape itself was STRONG the stick wasn't THAT sticky, which was rather disappointing...

Whitenoise: Cuddles I might go for. She was going to have a tiny little woman owner she kowtows to. And her giant husband whom she totally disobeys ;->...

Arjan: thank you have a fantastic one yourself!!

;->...

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Thank you. I’ve had a most enjoyable visit here at your blog.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I would suggest "Victoria" for your canine character as in "she was named after our great Queen of the Empire, eh wot!"

Anyway, glad you are having Christmas dinner with M. Hubbard. Blessed Christmas Gledwood and best wishes for the new year.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood