HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Tate Gallery Lightflickery Exhibit Things...

"HUMAN FLESH IS REALLY SWEET," said the Brazillian tillgirl to the Turkish one (in plain English at my local cornershop, which is such a novelty for round here - believe!) I said: "ugh! human flesh is supposed to taste like pork" - which put the Turkish girl off (not halal, darling) though the Brazilian was licking her lips!!

... such is the bizarre talk at my local shop...

I did see my Mummy yesterday!

Tutankhamun will have to wait till the new year. It is totally booked out. Instead we went to the Tate Britain gallery on Millbank (the one with the Victorian paintings, not the Tate Modern. That is the one with the famous crack in the floor...)

We had a 2-hour dinner in a really posh restaurant. I felt really out of place. Imagine if someone spread diarrhoea on your face and transformed your hair into old flannels. Then gave you a few distinctly visible boils for good measure. Well that's about how comfortable I felt in there. It was the sort of place where meat isn't covered in gravy but a sticky sauce that somehow rolls to geometrical limits on the plate... even the carrots were sticky (but no black bits like the carrots I buy!) The Brussels sprouts had roasted conkers in them (chestnuts if you want to be posh). To be honest I thought they were fried up walnuts but what do I know..?

We went round 2 exhibitions and never once round the main gallery.

Exhibition one was called "Turner Prize - blah years of the bull**** prize and runners up."

(The Turner Prize has nothing at all to do with the great myopic painter Turner except that it is named after him. It is a current prize, awarded every year (usually on Channel 4) since the early 80s...)

Literally nothing impressed us in all innumerable rooms of this.

E.g. a 2x1 metre nugget shaped pan of iron with evaporated seasalt or something on top. Not good.

A man bending over with bum on display at various angles. (About 4 of him.) He was made of iron. I only marvelled that they managed to attach him 20 ft high without bringing the roof down..

A room with a light coming on and off at about 3 degrees of illumination. I vaguely remembered this one from bbc2 circa 2000. The gallery called it "robust". I pointed out to my Mum it was like her flickery old kitchen light when I used to come visiting alternate weekends aged 12. This caused her to laugh her head off - right within the sterility of the gallery! (My interpretation.)

Damien Hurst's formaldehyde cows were in there.

These were the highpoint of the exhibition.

Not just because they're pickled cows.

But because they're in two tanks with a humanly-spaced walkthrough. Then the cow is sheared in half (2 cows, adult for adults and baby for young children)... you can see the spine, guts, kidneys, everything.

I profoundly disagree that this is "not art". It was beautiful. The art of God Almighty. And really fascinating. Far more so than the warped bits of iron on the floors and coloured dots that decorated the rest of this exhibition!

At many points we honestly couldn't tell what was e.g. a pile of leaflets of a "work of art"...

To be quite frank everybody I eyed got tired of this.

Then we went into the David Hockney Turner exhibition. What Hockney the acid-bright oilpainter had to do with Turner the misty watercolourist I have no idea. Except his quotes all over the high walls. My Mum's husband Brian said about 4 times that one particular Turner (one of smugglers rowing to shore off Folkestone coast) meant more to him than the entire bull****ting Turner Prize exhibition!

And outside to cigarettes (for me) and the MI6 building (Britain's counterintelligence bombproof network nervecentre thing) why on EARTH they chose such an ostentatious building for such a cruical part of our intelligence gathering "network" I shall never know.

What I will note was the million pound loking yuppie flats right opposite in repetitious style and colouring (click the above MI6 link to get an idea.) Christmas trees and HD widescreen tellies glinted through the multimillion pound glass making me feel even colder and more streetbound than I actually was...

Itchy escaped 2 nights ago! And to cut a story short I found her within the hour rambling under my giant electric fan. Flashing white belly as she went... Then I threw various towels and teatowels at her yet she still managed to elude them. Then I happened to glance in the robotank (which was just round the corner) only to see a pigchain of three robos gliding into the biggest night tube... I slightly impatiently tipped these out to see that - yes! - miraculously all three hamsters were back home. HOW ON EARTH Itchy who is 2" long max managed to jump a 10" high glass wall I shall never figure out... but that's what seemed to happen..!

Also I cleaned them out thoroughly today. As Evilstein's threatening to henchman round tomorrow morning...

(old *******).

Right I gotta go now...

... and how was YOUR weekend?

*

Videos of the Day
Queen of the Night Aria:
Boy Treble Version
Elena Mosuc Female Coloratura Soprano Version...


***

Amazing Malaysian Thumb-Mountain Trek!
http://guynextdoor84.blogspot.com


Great Spanish-speaking travels... I'd love to go rambling in a campervan like that..!
http://brujulavic.blogspot.com


Amazing Pink Floyd The Wall -like Art Things
http://underwatterlove.blogspot.com


Rebecca Art Dog Blog
These modern art cats are Warholesque... also remind me of the Gilbert and George who took up by far the best wall of the modernest art in the Tate exhibition yesterday..!

http://underwatterlove.blogspot.com

21 comments:

Audrey said...

Limited for time Gleds so just a quick comment, found what I was looking for YES!!!! Itchy is back...so happy to read that...and that you gave her a good scolding for her disappearing act..lol. Glad your feeling better too. Back soon x Auds

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

That was me deleting there... due to ridiculous spelling mistakes..!
Hi Auds...
.. yes Itchy did go missing TWICE.
1st time for 24 hours, more recently for 1, 2 hours... then eventually (I've no idea how...) ... jumped back into her tank ie a near 70ft/14metres high over-the-wall leap back into her enclosure... I've NEVER seen anything quite like that... utterly REMARKABLE!!!
;->...
:->...
;¬+...
..................yes!

Akelamalu said...

I think itchy is on the escape committee!

What a shame you couldn't get in to see King Tut yet. I'm dying to hear all about that!.

junky said...

Wait a minute Gled we might drug screen for jobs, but you are on camera damn near all the time on the street :)

we are at war with East Asia, we have always been at war with East Asia...

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: I'm still going to King Tut! We just have to book in advance more ahead. For next time!!

Itchy on escape cttee... she's a SWINE whatever she is... a tunky junky JUMPY ole TELETUBBY SWINE!¬!!!

Junky: we get prejobs drugscreening here as well. It's just not that common. Possibly a breach of European Constitution on Human Rights Right for Privacy...(??)

Always at war... I know... I just don't get "illegal combattants"... that is just called "making the law an arse" which Americans are even better at doing than us Brits ~ which is most certainly saying something~::~har HAR!!

Thannxx 4 getting back in touch ha-hAARGH!!"!

Alexys Fairfield said...

Gleds,
I'd like to be a fly on the wall at that local shop - but I guess I wouldn't last too long. If they eat human flesh, they would surely eat my fy flesh. Ha ha.

It felt like I was at the museum with you. The MI6 building sounds interesting. Is it like that building Prince Charles called a carbuncle?

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

okay, I'm not an expert not being form this country, but I'm told conkers and chestnuts are NOT the same thing! And you call your self a food expert! ;P

Puss-in-Boots said...

That Itchy is a regular escape artist, isn't he/she?

I love your description of your visit to the Museum of Modern Art...very original and straight to the point.

Have a good weeks, Gleds.

CrystalChick said...

We saw Tut earlier this year (valentine gift from hubby) in Philly before it came your way. It was fabulous! Hope you do get to see it in the New Year. It's on my blog... Egyptian Splendor.. King Tut.

Deb said...

so glad you got to spend a day with Mum.

I hate fancy places...I feel very uncomfortable in them too. Your description's about right.

That Itchy...what an adventurer he is. I'd like to read HIS memoirs.

Janice said...

You Hampster sounds like it should be named Hudinii.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I hope you enjoyed seeing your Mother, even at that posh restaurant ~ bad choice. Something simpler would have been more comfortable. Itchy is getting to be a problem and one day probably won't make it back. It was a coincidence you asking your Mum how to spell like
the boy in my story, and then you see her. BTW your spelling is pretty good now. Take care, and look after yourself. Regards, Merle.

Gledwood said...

Alexys: Prince Charles has called a lot of buildings carbunkles!

Actually isn't a carbuncle a precious stone? As well as being a pustulating multi-headed boil?!?

Vi Vi: no you're quite right

Pussinboots: too bloody quick for her own good. (She's a she. I tried to sex her and thought she was a boy once but no definitely all 3 are girls. How on earth someone managed to keep them still enough to tell I'll never fathom...)

Gledwood said...

Crystalchick: yeah I'd really like to see King Tut's marvels!!

Debs: the memoirs of Itchy... dread to think what they'd say about me ...

Janice: as I say she is TOO FAST

Merle: thanks... but did you know when I first had to learn reading/writing at primary school I had shocking difficulties with English spelling. I couldn't get my head round how a word pronounced "hed" could be spelt "head" and that be called sensible!

Bimbimbie said...

So much to read .... I've missed a few days!! Your description of the horrid posh restaurant brought to mind that wonderful scene from French/Saunders "Abfab" show where some snooty gal at an art studio gets told to drop her attitude darling - your just a glorified shop assistant *!*

Gledwood said...

Yeah I remember that.
The restaurant wasn't horrible at all I just FELT horrible I really felt everyone was staring at me in there!

Liz said...

I don't get modern art on the whole. I try to and some of it is quite pretty - but that's my problem - I want it to be pretty! I haven't seen the cows and don't know if I'd like them.

Gledwood said...

I agree with you entirely about modern art. I don't mind kind of shadowy figures representing people in shades of blue. Or psychedelically bright autumn trees... that type of thing. But just panes full of evenly spaced dots. Not really. The cows: I don't think you'd really like. Though because each one is sawn in half (hence in two evenly spaced tanks with a walkthrough) seeing the spine and organs is fascinating. Also the fact that the calf's brain was no smaller than the adult cow's (who was nearly 6ft tall)... pretty scarey!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood