HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Boxin' Day Early Morn

WE HAD GORGEOUS ROAST LAMB with perfect potato mash, perfect industrial roast potatoes, cauliflour cheese and some seasonable vegetables and it was probably the best Xmas dinner I ever had. Two Two Ronnies were on literally all day 24-7 on the ITV3 digital channel which made me feel far more "festive" than all the tinesl and fairylights in the world could do! Ronnie Barker is my alltime favourite comedian - and not lauded enough in my opinion, considering how the BBC will go for almost any chance to dredge their archives and fill yet more time with repeats.

Mother Hubbs and her partner Dodger have been charming. You couldn't ask for better friends. I've basically been staying in their house since showing up bedraggled at the door c 5pm Xmas eve till now, which is about 8am Boxing Day morning!

Now I had better go as I was very kindly allowed on their housemate's computer but I'm kind of on semi-illicitly at the present instant...

I hope everyone else has had a fantastic time!

Peace and love to all


I watched the end of Finding Nemo yesterday and Nemo's like a fish version of my tiny tubby robbie Baby Itchy he really is haha!!

I shall endeavour to recite back The Mystery of the Baying Porkshire Terrier next time I am on. Baying because I yes ME! I was the accused thief!!

I'm going to endeavour to paste up Her Majesty the Queen's Xmas Message to the Common "Wealth" if I can dredge that one up too...


PS THEY'RE ALL AT THE PUB AGAIN it's about 3pm Boxing Day
I was at the shops on Christmas Eve. The world was going mad. Herds of tinselled people clutching tinselly bags full of goodies from the glowing shops. And outside the busiest of these - which was full of folks piling in to get last minute Cards and gifts - was a poor old doggie, a Yorkshire terrier. What first attracted me was that he reminded me of Itchy. Being tiny and gingery in colour. What was NOT like Itchy was that the poor thing was tied to railings, jumping this way and that barking and yapping and wagging his tail and causing all manner of fuss and now and then tipping his head and baying soulfully at the Christmas lights (OK, slight exaggeration. No "baying" but the dog was going nuts.) At one point a man asked me whether the dog was mine which made me worried it had been there for ages or been abandoned even. I checked the tag on his collar and he didn't live too far off ... Anyway five minutes later this same man, a huge black man comes back and starts haranguing me that I'm "going to steal the dog". Whether he was drunk or high I don't know but I was so offended and nothing I could do, e.g. pointing out that this dog was so old his eyes were fogged and almost white and also surely dog thieves just take dogs and don't stand about talking to them for ten minutes first! I was so offended! Anyway thankfully the owner came back and the black man said to me "you missed your chance" "no," I said; "you've missed YOURS" and his composure flickered but he tried to keep up the self-righteous act (maybe he wanted to nick the dog for himself?) and meandered off. So much for Christmas "spirit"~!!

I've had a wonderful time here. It feels really civilized and not like living on Orwell's Animal Farm. I will get in touch again later from the cybercaff.

Have a good one everybody!!


Nicole said...

I love Finding Nemo! I'm happy to hear you've had an ice Christmas dinner with friends. Well deserved.

Akelamalu said...

Thanks for visiting me on Christmas Day Gleds, it's good to hear you had a good Christmas - Mother Hubbard is a true friend to you!

I'm wishing the new year brings you the strength to get clean and on the road to good health and happiness. Reiki Blessings to you my friend. xx

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

You've me a lovely "Boxin' Day" morn, even though we selfish Yanks don't celebrate it.

Emperor Ropi said...

sounds as a tasty meal

jim dandy said...

wow and all I had for Christmas dinner was a couple reheated egg rolls and won tons. oh well, I cook like it's a holiday most of the rest of the time. This Christmas was just a quiet day alone with my cat and a hangover. (my only Christmas tradition is to watch Love Actually a couple times. It gets me laughing and crying at the same time.)
Happy Holidays to you my friend!

Odat said...

Hope you had a merry one!
Be good!

Carver said...

I'm glad you had a good Christmas dinner with good friends. The dog story is wild. I'm glad he wasn't abandoned and was finally picked up. Thanks for visiting and I hope you have a good end to 2007 and good start to 2008.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Glad you had a good time.

Life ain't so bad really, eh?

Friends make like special.

Mousie/Paisible said...

yes, people are sometimes getting mad before Xmas...!!
gosh ! how do you manage to find all these videos? that's so funny...and thanks my dear for all your visits and nice words...we had a quiet evening hubby andnd I (and the dog Tao)...I wish you all the best for the coming year...peace, and love...
be well my faithfull friend...
love from Mum Mousie

Vincent said...

Haha, you got that big dude well! Good reply :-)

I'm glad you had such a nice Christmas mate. Mine wasn't bad either but being european, it doesn't feel very Christmassy here in the sun to be honest...

Gledwood said...



(odd but quite true!)

Marko said...

Wow, your blog is INFINITE!

I could get lost in all the links!

It looks like you have worked very hard, I'm not worthy!!!

Cheers & Happy holidays!

Gledwood said...

Marko: have fun exploring... all SORTS of things are tangled up in them there links, let me warn you...(!!)


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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood