I WOKE UP AT FOUR A.M AND COULDN'T GET BACK TO SLEEP. I'd just been having weird dreams of flying (as you do) into my sleeping grandparents' bedroom in the dead of night. Then flying back into another bedroom in another house in another part of the country that was somehow adjoined. And finding the room suddenly extended to twice as big.
As well as feeling... well not "shaken" but slightly "confused" by these dreams I was bloody freezing cold. STILL there is no hot water, no heating in my house so I was reliant on keeping cooker rings on maximum all night - my only way of avoiding shivering to death, double-glazing or not.
When finally it DID get light - o! The joyous view! - It was just like someone had sprinkled flour over all the rooves and back gardens. And the white trees fading into white air beyond. Just like a Christmas card really. Though I wasn't in too much of a "seasonal" mood. Being so freezing cold make me feel "sick" (as in withdrawing) so I angrily rang my dealer who "promptly" showed up a mere two hours later!
I think I might have made myself ill with a slip of the hand while pouring paprika into last night's stew. Man! I felt all bloated and horrible and sticky-****y (bright red as well! Do you really want to hear all these details? Then I'll start up a new lavatorial blog. And if you believe that you'll believe anything.) Well I think that "upset" has died down at last. And I'm minded to go to McDonalds rather than risk more of my stomach-fermenting stew...
Here is the best of today's comedy newspaper stories. Yes! I actually dredged up the links!
If you want to see the Queen playing darts from The Sun, then click here.
Metro, London's free morning paper printed up a modern-day Glasgow version of the "nativity" with Mary and Joseph fagging away in tracksuits in a smashed-up bus shelter with their staffordshire bull terrier tied to poor Baby Jesus' pram... and the three wise men bringing stolen booze, cigs and a satellite box! Chav Yourself a Merry Christmas!
Have you seen Nasa's giant spider? According to The Sun "the eight-legged freak was caught on webcam apparently attacking the shuttle... TV viewers watched in horror as the giant beast nibbled the shuttle's nose-cone, then wrapped its body round the craft's powerful rocket boosters"...
Oh and last (and definitely least) snobby Prince Charles has been criticized for following upperclass tradition and sending out nonfestive-looking Xmas cards with just himself and Camilla (Dutchess of Cornwall, if you will) snazzily pictured in black and white (actually, the link shows them in full colour - which just goes to show how the cheapskate newspaper was desperate to save money on printing ink!). The snap is so unrepresentative that Charles looks more like his father the dashing (in his time) Duke of Edinburgh... When columnist Kelvin Mackenzie contacted Charles's press office to find out why he didn't picture snowy scenes and robbins: "a flunky for Prince Charles says, 'The Prince doesn't do robbins.'" ..!
Odd picture of the Day:
Mysterious Estonian Ground Apples By Night
Has anyone got a better interpretation ..??...
Video of the Day:
Gareth and the Kumars: Spirit in the Sky
The rumours are true! I've just seen the terribly "deformed" and "decrepit" old Arabic crippled lady who hobbles down the street legs akimbo on crutches wailing "pleease help me! pleease help me!" to horrified passers by who pop pound coins into her eagerly outstretched cup (these she pockets pretty expertly so the cup's always empty - a technique I also learnt in my (long over) begging days)... I just saw a suspiciously similar Arabic-looking lady in same coat with same giant men's sized slippers on WALKING TOTALLY NORMALLY and with her head up not half veiled and down as she does when "grafting" - I glared at her quite pointedly and she instantly affected a severe limp. Too late darling, I thought but didn't speak up (she's the "no-speekey Eeengleesh" type for sure anyhow)... How I laughed my head off as she cowered away, knowing she'd been caught out.
Bloody con artists!
Yes I was a beggar too. But I wasn't a LIAR on top!
THIS is meant to be President Ahmedinajad of Iran's personal blog:
do have a look and tell me if you think it's real...
WHAT BOOK SHALL I READ during those interminable nonsnowy lonely (sob-sob!!) hours of Xmas?
1. Leo Tolstoy's Anna Karenina
2. Charles Dickens' Oliver Twist ...??
Actually, come to think about it; I've thrown open the subject to "Victorian English writers of note + Tolstoy (who was Russian)" and done a "pole" on it up top so do be ready to answer.... c'mon!!
Hey! I just checked my World Map of Hits and found out I've had readers today on all six continents! (Whenever you click you get the last 100 hits, so if the map makes me out to be a liar it's because you're clicking maybe tomorrow when the dispersal might be different! The dark shadow, by the way, signifies where it is nighttime on earth...)
This is my friend Audrey's blog-motto. I think it's pretty cool:
It is the passion flowing right on through your veins And it's the feeling that you're oh so glad you came, It is the moment you remember you're alive, It is the air you breathe, the element of fire, It is that flower that you took the time to smell, It is the power that you know you got as well, It is the fear inside that you can overcome, This is the orchestra, the rhythm and the drum.
RE The books I'm going with Charles Dickens' Oliver Twist for now. Dickens can be awfully wordy and rather brimful with waffle, but I've turbo'd my way through chapters one and two already and Oliver's already left the workhouse and is in the home of a couple of funeral directors (I think they were...)
Like most people on this small isle I know the story of Oliver pretty well... especially the musical version that we did at primary school. Fagin's song:
Why should we break our backs
Stupidly paying tax?
Better get some untaxed income -
You've gotta pick a pocket or two!"
is a classic. I can still remember my old headmaster from primary school up on stage performing that one!
My local shop has sold out of my (current) favourite biscuits (McVite's Ginger Nuts). How annoying! I had to go to the supermarket and get own-brand instead. Hopefully they've not skimped on the ginger. I love fiery biscuits.
(Not too fiery. Not literally aflame...)
Why am I harking on about biscuits so much? Because I'm back to my old "drink tea not alcohol" move.... I've even managed to cut out the toothrotting SUGAR from my tea, which is quite some achievement for me.
I'll let you know how I get on.
(Not so much with the biscuits, I mean with the cutting out booze!)
Look at this (from Josie's blog) for some amazing Canadian forestry!
HEY! DOES ANYONE REMEMBER THE EPISODE OF FRIENDS where Rachel or Phoebe keeps buying stuff from an American shop called "Pottery Barn" (pronounced Paddery Borrrn (!)~ sorry I had to get that "Americans have strange pronunciation" bit in even though I know they think we all speak like the Queen...)
Well anyway I just discovered POTTERY BARN - despite the bizarre name - is REAL!!!
Click above for their website!
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