HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Christmas Card Morning

I WOKE UP AT FOUR A.M AND COULDN'T GET BACK TO SLEEP. I'd just been having weird dreams of flying (as you do) into my sleeping grandparents' bedroom in the dead of night. Then flying back into another bedroom in another house in another part of the country that was somehow adjoined. And finding the room suddenly extended to twice as big.

As well as feeling... well not "shaken" but slightly "confused" by these dreams I was bloody freezing cold. STILL there is no hot water, no heating in my house so I was reliant on keeping cooker rings on maximum all night - my only way of avoiding shivering to death, double-glazing or not.

When finally it DID get light - o! The joyous view! - It was just like someone had sprinkled flour over all the rooves and back gardens. And the white trees fading into white air beyond. Just like a Christmas card really. Though I wasn't in too much of a "seasonal" mood. Being so freezing cold make me feel "sick" (as in withdrawing) so I angrily rang my dealer who "promptly" showed up a mere two hours later!

I think I might have made myself ill with a slip of the hand while pouring paprika into last night's stew. Man! I felt all bloated and horrible and sticky-****y (bright red as well! Do you really want to hear all these details? Then I'll start up a new lavatorial blog. And if you believe that you'll believe anything.) Well I think that "upset" has died down at last. And I'm minded to go to McDonalds rather than risk more of my stomach-fermenting stew...

Ugh!

Here is the best of today's comedy newspaper stories. Yes! I actually dredged up the links!

If you want to see the Queen playing darts from The Sun, then click here.

Metro, London's free morning paper printed up a modern-day Glasgow version of the "nativity" with Mary and Joseph fagging away in tracksuits in a smashed-up bus shelter with their staffordshire bull terrier tied to poor Baby Jesus' pram... and the three wise men bringing stolen booze, cigs and a satellite box! Chav Yourself a Merry Christmas!

Have you seen Nasa's giant spider? According to The Sun "the eight-legged freak was caught on webcam apparently attacking the shuttle... TV viewers watched in horror as the giant beast nibbled the shuttle's nose-cone, then wrapped its body round the craft's powerful rocket boosters"...

Oh and last (and definitely least) snobby Prince Charles has been criticized for following upperclass tradition and sending out nonfestive-looking Xmas cards with just himself and Camilla (Dutchess of Cornwall, if you will) snazzily pictured in black and white (actually, the link shows them in full colour - which just goes to show how the cheapskate newspaper was desperate to save money on printing ink!). The snap is so unrepresentative that Charles looks more like his father the dashing (in his time) Duke of Edinburgh... When columnist Kelvin Mackenzie contacted Charles's press office to find out why he didn't picture snowy scenes and robbins: "a flunky for Prince Charles says, 'The Prince doesn't do robbins.'" ..!

Odd picture of the Day:
Mysterious Estonian Ground Apples By Night
Has anyone got a better interpretation ..??...


Video of the Day:
Gareth and the Kumars: Spirit in the Sky


***

STOP PRESS!
The rumours are true!
I've just seen the terribly "deformed" and "decrepit" old Arabic crippled lady who hobbles down the street legs akimbo on crutches wailing "pleease help me! pleease help me!" to horrified passers by who pop pound coins into her eagerly outstretched cup (these she pockets pretty expertly so the cup's always empty - a technique I also learnt in my (long over) begging days)... I just saw a suspiciously similar Arabic-looking lady in same coat with same giant men's sized slippers on WALKING TOTALLY NORMALLY and with her head up not half veiled and down as she does when "grafting" - I glared at her quite pointedly and she instantly affected a severe limp. Too late darling, I thought but didn't speak up (she's the "no-speekey Eeengleesh" type for sure anyhow)... How I laughed my head off as she cowered away, knowing she'd been caught out.
Bloody con artists!
Yes I was a beggar too. But I wasn't a LIAR on top!


***

THIS is meant to be President Ahmedinajad of Iran's personal blog:
http://www.ahmadinejad.ir
do have a look and tell me if you think it's real
...


*

WHAT BOOK SHALL I READ during those interminable nonsnowy lonely (sob-sob!!) hours of Xmas?
1. Leo Tolstoy's Anna Karenina
2. Charles Dickens' Oliver Twist ...??

Actually, come to think about it; I've thrown open the subject to "Victorian English writers of note + Tolstoy (who was Russian)" and done a "pole" on it up top so do be ready to answer.... c'mon!!


***

Hey! I just checked my World Map of Hits and found out I've had readers today on all six continents! (Whenever you click you get the last 100 hits, so if the map makes me out to be a liar it's because you're clicking maybe tomorrow when the dispersal might be different! The dark shadow, by the way, signifies where it is nighttime on earth...)

***

This is my friend Audrey's blog-motto. I think it's pretty cool:

It is the passion flowing right on through your veins And it's the feeling that you're oh so glad you came, It is the moment you remember you're alive, It is the air you breathe, the element of fire, It is that flower that you took the time to smell, It is the power that you know you got as well, It is the fear inside that you can overcome, This is the orchestra, the rhythm and the drum.


***

RE The books I'm going with Charles Dickens' Oliver Twist for now. Dickens can be awfully wordy and rather brimful with waffle, but I've turbo'd my way through chapters one and two already and Oliver's already left the workhouse and is in the home of a couple of funeral directors (I think they were...)

Like most people on this small isle I know the story of Oliver pretty well... especially the musical version that we did at primary school. Fagin's song:

Why should we break our backs
Stupidly paying tax?
Better get some untaxed income -
You've gotta pick a pocket or two!"


is a classic. I can still remember my old headmaster from primary school up on stage performing that one!

***

My local shop has sold out of my (current) favourite biscuits (McVite's Ginger Nuts). How annoying! I had to go to the supermarket and get own-brand instead. Hopefully they've not skimped on the ginger. I love fiery biscuits.

(Not too fiery. Not literally aflame...)

Why am I harking on about biscuits so much? Because I'm back to my old "drink tea not alcohol" move.... I've even managed to cut out the toothrotting SUGAR from my tea, which is quite some achievement for me.

I'll let you know how I get on.

(Not so much with the biscuits, I mean with the cutting out booze!)


***

Look at this (from Josie's blog) for some amazing Canadian forestry!

***

HEY! DOES ANYONE REMEMBER THE EPISODE OF FRIENDS where Rachel or Phoebe keeps buying stuff from an American shop called "Pottery Barn" (pronounced Paddery Borrrn (!)~ sorry I had to get that "Americans have strange pronunciation" bit in even though I know they think we all speak like the Queen...)

Well anyway I just discovered POTTERY BARN - despite the bizarre name - is REAL!!!

Click above for their website!

19 comments:

Rita said...

Greetings!

Or Tervehdys! in Finnish

Don't try to pronounce that. (A government health warning :)

Gledwood said...

I won't try and say that aloud... I couldn't even pronounce "pikku tuttoo" (however it's spelt: "little girl") in Finnish. When my audience DID finally work out what I was trying to say they laughed their heads off!! ;->...

Your blog is lovely by the way

Rita said...

The Finnish for "girl" is spelt TYTTÖ in Finnish. The Y sound doesn't exist in the English language, so you're up the creek without a paddle :)

Eileen said...

A couple of years ago in Toronto there was a woman who would sit on the freezing cold concrete, draped in rags whilst holding out her shaky hand begging for people to help her out. She was always outside of the building that I worked in, I gave her cash, food, gloves all the time - it was such a scene that you couldn't help but be empathetic. Turns out she was exposed in our daily paper...she had a condo with her son and for extra cash, she went out, put on a show and suckered people. It made me fume. There are so many people out there that do require a helping hand and are in dire straights. People like "shaky lady" and the woman whom you speak of are the reason as to why so many of us just choose to step over honest people in need and ignore them. I don't like the feeling of becoming jaded and without empathy, however, I can certainly see how it happens.

Oliver Twist is my vote...

Akelamalu said...

Love the Gareth and Kumars video!

Walker said...

Many people pretend not to be who they are and they have caught many here.
Most beggers get a nice allowance from welfare and still beg and make another hundred a day like that.
Maybe we should be begging for them to give some of it back?

I loved the first video btw, a bunch of Hindus ( an assuming they are Hindu and not Christian converts) singing about Jesus and doing a great job of it.

Have a nice day

Bimbimbie said...

Funny! Queenie, darts, tats and texting. President A's blog - nah!

Charles over Leo .... hope they get your hot water and heating sorted those conditions are a little too Dickens like. *!*

Dan said...

Dude, I have dreams of flying but in my dreams I usually have to keep circling until the damned air traffic controllers give me clearance to leave.

Read "Oliver Twist". The Tolstoy is too girlie. :)

Gledwood said...

Rita: isn't the y in tytto pronounced as the o-umlaut/oe in German "schoen"..?

Eileen: why on EARTH would someone who HAS a flat, no drugs, alchol, gambling, mentalist things going on WANT to beg on the street... I understand really good beggars are meant to make a lot (I never did, I was never better than average)... hmmm....

Akelamalu: v catchy innit!! ;->...

And a solemn non-indictment on modern British multiculturalism

Gledwood said...

Walker: there are some people who beg off ME even though they ought to realize that bc I DON'T beg that far less money passes through my hands than theirs! Yet they still ask. Just occasionally I get in the "C'mon spare us 50p" - much to their horror!

Bimbimbie: it IS a bit Dickensian right now. My room is stifling hot with the stove on full (only 1 ring though so I'm "thinking of the carbon footprint" (which I don't particularly believe in. How can global warming come down to something as oversimplified as carbon dioxide emmissions? I am mighty suspicious of THAT one...)

Dan: I'm going with Oliver anyway. I really had to turbo through but I've got to 25 and he's left the workhouse already!

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: I was meaning to add there that though it was sub-zero this morning we've yet to have any frost on the inside (or outside) of our bathroom windows/anywhere else... hmmm...

Zhu said...

You have weird dreams!

I love the story of the old crippled lady... reminds me of deaf beggars in the subway in Paris who have an Ipod in their pocket :D

Whitenoise said...

The Kumars are great. Are they regulars on a t.v. show? Never heard of them on this side of the atlantic...

Gledwood said...

Zhu: I had some even more bizarre dreams yet to post... very odd... woke up screaming with my mouth closed which is always good for a sinister "laugh" haha!

Whitenoise: the Kumars had their own chat show... that was a charity record for Children in Need or something similar... The younger guy was famous for being on top bbc soap EastEnders married to a nag called Gita... I don't think the Kumars are on any more...it was one of those semi-spoofed chat shows with real guests and a fictional set up if yer know what I mean...

Rita said...

Tyttö - The spelling in German would be TÜTTÖ

So a short answer to your question is "No".

The Ö at the end of the word is like the o umlaut in German, whereas the Y is a U umlaut. Okay, mein Führer?

So you were sort of kind of half right :)

Tu parles français? The Finnish Y is pronounced like the French U in "pur" ( = clean ) or excUsez-moi.

Except the Y in tyttö is short.

So am I :)

Gledwood said...

"the Finnish Y is like the U in French 'pur'..."

OK I know the sound you're talking about, I can mentally hear it; but it's the one sound I probably get wrongest in French...

... actually, second wrongest. The "ou" in "amour" would be worst

!!

just can't do it properly. Nobody has ever said I have a good French accent. German sometimes yes. Never French though!!

Tea & Margaritas in My Garden said...

The closedt i`ve come to flying in dreams is taking 5 stair steps at a time.
Charles Dickens is the best pick, although one needs to be in a deep state of mind to read him. No quick and easy read there.
Love Oliver Twist. I read that last year.
Have a Merry Christmas Gleds. Prince Charles sent out a foolish card as far as I`m thinking.

tea
xo

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood