HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Last Weekend Before Xmas!

SO IT'S THE FINAL WEEKEND before nasty old Yuletide!

Mother Hubbard invited me to her and Dodge's Xmas. They weren't too sure whether Xmas at home was on the cards or whether they were vanishing away was more the thing.

So after a few bad hitches (when at one point, Xmas seemed to've been cancelled altogether) I'm as certain as I can be that I'm going to theirs. I would say "Godwilling" I'm going, but Xmas is a pagan and thus utterly Godless (in the conventional sense at least) festival. The tinsel, snow and lights are pretty, though.

You can see the True meaning of "Christ"-mas on my video today: Stonehenge Solstice Celebration.

No cooker: no heating! Man! It was absolutely perishing last night! Repeatedly I woke up. And repeatedly had to re-cover self with pink-&-green psychedelic blanketting I'd unwittingly thrown off under the weight of dreams... In the end, my head shoved b'neath the covers was the only thing to keep me warm.... And that made me oversleep in... (How typical!)

Did anyone see my "Our Lil Turkey Farm" vid? It was inspired by a feature on the radio where this lady showed the audience round her turkey shed. Wow: the sound effects! Girls laughing crossed with little boy's electric lazer guns crost with mini dogs baying at the moon. (Have you noticed: "baying" is one of my new favourite words!?!?) She herself warned us: don't ever get just a few turkies. They will get under your skin and you won't want to get rid of them. And judging by the entertaining birds on her own farm I could see (or rather hear) why...

Tony Blair, our former (long, long time ago) highly charismatic Prime Minister has become a Roman Catholic. Big Deal. So now he's worshipping Rome. We all knew he was a "Christian" during his decade of premiership (though his fledgling police state policies strangely weren't...) Well I thought I'd mention this but from hereonin I'm keeping my thoughts on the matter to myself!

Many thanks for all your "name the hellhound" votes. The dog is a household pet, by the way. Please keep voting because I'd not have asked for assistance if I wasn't stuck for a decision on the name. Come on! Vote vote vote!... (above)...

Britain's National Health Serviceis under fire (yet again!) this time over the issue of mixed sex hospital wards... and why on earth do we have them anyhow? Even the interviewer on Radio 4's PM show shillyshally'd round the point and blithered about the "cost" of restoring wards to single-sex (which they always used to be, even in my day, let alone my parents'...) So what about the "cost" when poor old ladies are being harrassed by senile 80 year-old dirty old men? Surely whatever space these hospital "trusts" have (and it's all about "trusts" these days, incomprehensible as they are to us ordinary folk...) Why can't someone just grab hold of the each hospital's floorplan and simply chop it up: M~F~M~F? Simple. Only far too simple for today's penpushers (mouseclickers - sorry!) Yes??

Sticking with the news: so-called "low copy DNA evidence" is centre of the latest media cyclone. It's an ultra-sensitive forensic technique that can get a reading from samples so microscopic they're literally dust.

One of the most fascinating articles I ever read was about common old dust: and that's the thing about it; it gets everywhere. So much so, in fact, that it's quite probable that in your home are particles from the 1883 Krakatoa eruption, the Hiroshima bomb in 1945 and even the ancient tombs of the Pharaohs.

And that's the thing: in analysing "dust" from a Northern Irish bomb, DNA came up and was matched to a teenage boy from Birmingham, which is on the British mainland and hundreds of miles away. This boy had come into contact with the police, because everyone who's arrested is compelled to give sample DNA in this country. But he was no terrorist and had never been near Northern Ireland in his life!

Britain has by far the lartest DNA database in the world. Over four million samples! Add to this the four million PLUS security cameras filming our every move on this island and the car- and mobile phone-tracking technology that is being increasingly frequently implemented and it seems to me our silly government has set up the beginngins of a futuristic nightmare police state. Right here in Britain. The supposed home of democracy!


Videos of the Day:
Leona Lewis: Homeless
Jethro Tull: rare promo for Solstice Bells - 1976
Stonehenge Solstice Celebration

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Dairycow Entertainment Blog

Have a "gander" at these ridiculously multicoloured parrots from Queensland in Bimbimbie's back garden....

***

Oh SOMEONE please help me!
Some blithery-hearted liberals are gushing on Radio 4 how if some teenage terrors are terrorizing you (an old age pensioner) from coming out of your home "the underlying issues should be evaluated, and perhaps a mentoring programme instituted"

No!

Cane them until their socks are clots of blood!

Sorry. Slight exaggeration of my views there but HONESTLY these bleeding hearts I cannot stand them.

Someone actualy had the cheek to say it was "ridiculous" that a child should be prosecuted for stealing a sausage roll from a bakers.

Well I'm sorry but when I was age 10 I NEVER stole ANYTHING from the shops because I was TOO TERRIFIED. Yes! ANY LITTLE S**T caught stealing from the shops SHOULD be punished. I'm not sure about giving them criminal records (which will make them grow up to think "what's the point in behaving, I'm branded a criminal already") but something pretty drastic has to be done. The children in this country are as evil as that slavering hellhound I proposed putting growing, savaging, baying and upholstery-ripping into my forthcoming novel. They are children of the devil. It really makes me wonder what planet these do-gooders live on.
Yeah, if I'd come down from Mars I'd definitely agree with the liberals over the conservative "have 'em whipped!" contingent. But if you have ANY experience of what these disgusting, subhuman little piles of **** are actually like I suspect your views would take a rightward turn as mine have done - and they turned right through bitter experience. Not through some stupid ideology I read in a book!

***

A phunky bush photo
from
The Eyes of Pod

***

DOES EVERYBODY HATE ME because I sound like a Nazi?
Well I'm not going to protest too much because that's sad. But let me tell you this (and I'm talking for Britain here, most specifically London)... somehow, somewise (actually, distinctly not wisely at all...) a generation of youngsters is being raised with scant idea not only of good manners and all but more importantly of the morals that underline them.

Stupid Ken Livingstone, Mayor of London, took it on himself to give to this entire generation free bus transport. When they are quite capable of walking. And yet because of Livingstone's idiotic move, the respectable paying public are absolutely innundated by nasty, yelling, hollering, baying, unruly schoolchildren who have no respect for their elders (though they expect respect for themselves)... who do all they can to make us feel as uncomfortable out of place and massively encroached upon and as near-assaulted as possible by this noise-in-numbers that comes piling on the bus causing misery and discomfort to all. This isn't just my view - almost everyone who's had the misfortune of boarding a London bus just before 4pm when the brats from school pile on ...

When I was younger my views in most things were pretty liberal. Now, however I'm not alone in feeling opressed and depresed by the negative plunge our society is taking. This is serious bad news. So when I hear these people piling on the radio to defend behaviour that isn't merely bad, it's nasty. I'm scared. Scared for our future, for with nasty selfish brats like that ruling our streets as they undoubtedly do, that future is destined to be anything at all but comfy and bright...

***

Aargh! Moralizing moralizing moralizing. Ho-hummmmm....

***

The more I think about "her"; the more I want one of those giant Thumbelina dogs.

Oh no! That's a fourth name I came up with there!!

Of course I cannot have dogs where I am now; but when I get a normal home (well, if I ever do) I definitely want a giant black swinesly dog to guard my newspapers and empty tins of beans!!

25 comments:

Gledwood said...

O come on someone leave me a message please!

Eileen if you're reading this my email is

hammynutter@lycos.com

please get in touch!

zen wizard said...

God bless us, everyone!!

(Dedicated to Charles Dickens, Winner of WWE Writer SmackDown 2007.)

Butterfly said...

thanks for the comment! happy holidays and happy drunken * new year to you too! :)

~ cheers

Kahshe Cottager said...

Just a quick pop in and out ... it is 3 am here and I can't sleep so thought I'd try catching up on visiting since I have been away for so long. You have certainly become quite prolific in your musings while I have been away!

Have a very happy holiday Gleds!

Bimbimbie said...

Gleds you have been Hoopla'd come see.

And what do you mean Jethro Tull is a bit Mul of Kintyreish ... actually .... I think they might have been out the same year ... Bah humbug to your ears lol video's great though isn't it *!*

I'm going to have to come back to read your post -- it looks very interestingly chatty and I'm out of time for the now ....

Deb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Deb said...

I'm with you on the caning thing. The problem these days is we're too soft...no discipline/consequences means no deterrents to bad behavior.

Mixed gender hospital wards creep me out. When Mom was in the palliative ward, I found it extremely uncomfortable when the man she shared her room with "exposed" himself in his bed. He didn't mean it...he just couldn't get comfortable. I think it's just terrible that they don't give these people their dignity. And men nurses with women patients isn't right either as far as I'm concerned...weird.

Merry Christmas Gled. I am totally unenthusiastic about the whole ordeal and will be glad when it's all over.

Am thinking of you and hope you're well.

lettuce said...

see, here is another reason for not dusting

hello gledwood, thanks for your visit. Your name is familiar to me too but i'm sure if i'd been here before i'd remember.
(thats in a good way)

i've been thinking about reading some dickens, havent' for years nyears nyears. it might exorcise those dreary memories of reading Great Expectations around the class at aged about 12.... so, i was thinking, Tale of 2 Cities maybe?

Nicole said...

Regarding the hospital wards. A study has actually proven that people recover faster if they are in mixed rooms, men and women together. The hospital I was in had mixed rooms as well (in Amsterdam). I never found it much of a bother. I guess it just depends if the society you live in likes to separate the sexes or not. It seems to me very old fashioned to do so.

Emperor Ropi said...

merry christmas

IVY said...

Wow, I'd forgotten how funny and brightly lit your writing is... It's like bolts coming off the page.. No you do not sound like a Nazi... I'd like to hear more about politics.. . Sometimes you assume your readers know a lot more than they do... I think i'd like to hear things explained from somebody as open as you.
So hi... sorry i havent been here in a while. I'm sorry.

IVY said...

on your side you post so quickly that it's hard to keep up

IVY said...

i miss u gled.. no xmas plans. what should i do

Whitenoise said...

Gled, Gled, Gled, you segregation nazi, you! ;-)

Actually, I don't think we do that here, and I agree with Nicole, it does seem rather old-fashioned. Perhaps the individual rooms should be same-sex, but entire wards?

Scary about the DNA/CCTV issue. Very Orwellian.

Good luck with the Christmas dinner, I hope it works out well for you.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

have a good christmas my sweet!

Gledwood said...

ZenWizz: ;->...

Butterfly: ta!

Kahshe: too prolific, probably!!

Bimbimbie: ... o I suppose I could have called it "olde Englishe" ... Mull of Kintyre would be Olde Scottishe (one supposes)

Gledwood said...

Debs: Xmas is an ordeal for many of us yet it's made to feel almost "compulsory" mostly bc it's not just a day it's over a week now from Xmas eve till past New Year's day ... yes I know an old lady who got badly hassled by a dirty old man in hospital how on earth can anyone get better when THAT's going on it's ridiculous

Lettuce: I am sure I have been to your site before probably some months ago. I'm on Dostoyevsky now. Unfortunately you can't skip and skim so much with that (shame! haha!!)

Nicole: to be honest it wasn't me who was upset but so many people on this programme hated mixed wards... to be honest I can't see why they felt the need to bring them in people don't want them in this country they just don't...

Gledwood said...

Ropi: Ho! Ho! Ho! And to you too!!

Ivy: hey thanks for coming back i missed you... what do you do at Xmas it's hard to suggest anything except watching all that Xmas TV, reading a good book or collapsing in an armchair drunk!!

Whitenoise: hopefully it will all work out, thanks... yes it is a living Orwellian Nightmare... like today's "cereal" The Worm That Turned!!

Vi Vi: and to you too!

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds

...they say nothing gets to leave this planet of ours .... makes you stop and wonder what's in that fresh air.

Tony Bair .... I was surprised when I heard as I'd always thought he was one.

Mixed hospital wards no I'm not comfortable with that - perhaps if they reduced the admin people they could afford more nursing staff.

Kids ... wouldn't it be great to go back to the Victorian times and shove the little bleeders up a chimney or two they might then realise just how lucky they are - those bleeding hearts can join them too *!*

Akelamalu said...

Mixed hospital wards are an abomination and if I was ever in one I'd kick off big time!

Hope you have a good Christmas Gleds.

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: re chimneysweeps ~ quite so!!

~ Tony Blair as "Christian" yes you're right he always WAS but liked to keep it under his (nonexistent) "hat"... he was CfE tho, rather than Imperial Church of Rome

Akelamalu: interestingly the English all agree with me but 1 Canadian and 1 Aussie disagreed which says it's a cultural thing (hospital wards)... I tell you what I wouldn't like MY gran in a mixed sex ward I think she could do without that indignity on top of everything else

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi again, Gleds. I just love it when you rant! You don't sound like a Nazi at all - you sound like a reasonable human being who has had enough . absolutely agree with you re the freebie bus rides, etc. Oh, Merry Xmas again. x

mago said...

A few days ago an old man made a mistake: He saied to two assholes they should stop smoking in the tube. When he got out they kicked him nearly to death. The two bastards are 17 years old. When caught they saied it was his fault, they were drunk and so it is normal to be aggressive.

A part of the society is lost without rules and values. That seems to be a fact.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood