HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Mr Soap Suds Bumble's Weekend

WRITTEN ON SATURDAY EVENING - 15th December 2007

TEN DAYS TO GO! Till nasty old Xmas!
I'm decamped to my floor, hammynesting between bed and mattress upended and shoved sideways... a deep valley...

I put "wild bird" (seed) out for the robbies earlier, so they've been all a-scamper and a-paking pouches and pinging to and from their seed packed teabox.

Spherical had crammed her own pouches so brimmingly full she really did look like a furry ball with stubby pink scampery legs and beady eyes (when I first got her I honestly did think she was pregnant). And unable to squeeze into said teabox, she made an attempt at climbing the wheel on the outside which of course is impossible unless in ultra-gremlin style they've managed to bung it up with plugs of furry nesting... tubbily somehow she slipped down and underneath the contraption until she was laid out on her back, pink legs in the air, pawing at the whirling wheel with all fours for a full four minutes as it spindled round and round like crazy. O, how I wished I'd had something to film her with!!

Dickens' Oliver Twist I've been ploughing through with a literary alacrity unknown since my school days. Presently I'm on p254 and Oliver's with Bill Sykes on a burglary that's going all wrong.

It is late evening and the poetry of John Dryden is bleating out on Radio 4. One reason no "Gledwood's Poetry Blog" is included among my spoutly list of bloggery that even includes that Japanese blog is that for all the tiny collection of works I have thus far penned and posted intermittently up here in days gone past, I have not written a single poem in over a decade!

Now I'm feeling quite ill at ease and disaplied or disconnected/discontented I'm not sure which and all quite wearied out. It is that time of year. And Oliver Twist (which is now at p302) is floundering a bit) and I'm depressed...

I am succeeding, however, in my personal antiliquor crusade! Just one cyder can today! (Saturday.) And four or five cups of tea (and no sugar: how worthy of me!) in compensation.

O, I could really do with a Chinese chicken curry egg fly lice! Or possibly beef with glean pepper black bean sauce egg fly lice! One time they got the lice order wrong and purveyed me boiled! Ugh! I was vulgarized beyond description. Nobody orders plain boiled rice unless they're also the type of idiot who orders prawn flavoured pancake rolls (yukk!!) or who actually enjoys that revolting boiled sweet flavoured sweet-&-sour sauce they give out with chicken and prawn balls....

Mother Hubbs once presumptuously poured half a jar of industrial Uncle Ben's or similar sweet-n-sour - thankfully into a corner of and not all over - a marvellous risotto she'd conjured the day before, served mostly up, and was going to waste in a covered pan... The sickly putrid tide had encroached on nearly a third of this wondrous dish by the time managed to take urgent remedial action and scoop it into a plastic wrapper which I hurriedly shoved into my bag while she was out of the room ...

Sadly I forgot all about this until the pong of sheer putrescence flatulated out at me on a crowded bus and I pulled out the by now furry and green risotto to freedom.

Man! The sheer horror on everybody's face somehow almost made it all worthwhile...

Here's a good quote from Oliver Twist p333. The pompous Mr Bumble, formerly parish "beadle" (which seems to mean "general busybody and nose-poker-inner") is now most feared governor and chief punisher at the workhouse, where this scene takes place:~~

Mr Bumble came to a room where some of the female paupers were usually employed in washing the parish linen; whence the sound of voices in conversation now proceeded.

"Hem!" said Mr Bumble, summoning up all his native dignity. "Hallo! Hallo there! What do you mean by this noise, you hussies!"

With these words, Mr Bumble opened the door and walked in with a very fierce and angry manner: which was at once exchanged for a most humiliated and cowering air, as his eyes unexpectedly rested on the form of his lady wife...

"I'll tell you what, Mr Bumble" returned his lady. "WE don't want any of your interference. You're a great deal too fond of poking your nose into things that don't concern you, making everybody in this house laugh, the moment your back is turned, and be making yourself look like a fool every hour of the day. Be off; come!"

Mr Bumble, seeing with excruciating feelings, the delight of the two old paupers, who were tittering together most rapturously, hesitated for an instant. Mrs Bumble, whose patience brooked no delay, caught up a bowl of soap-suds, motioning him towards the door, ordered him instantly to depart, on pain of receiving the contents upon his portly person...!


***

Haha! I wrote the above post last night when I still had over 150 pages to go. Well now I'm on circa page 512 and with only a page and a half to go until I've finished it! What an excellent read! I can't believe it took me until my 35th year to discover the genius of Charles Dickens!

Hope everyone's had a cheery weekend. All the best to yous all!!

Roll on tomorrow!!



Video of the Day:
Sonique: Feels So Good

18 comments:

Queenie said...

Loved the videos, Gled your such a busy bee these days, didn't know how many blogs you had running, well done you. I love Charlie also...

Vincent said...

"prawn flavoured pancake rolls"

BLASPHEMY! I think the thought alone is making me sick...

Janice said...

Hi Glen,

A Christmas carol was the only one that I've read the he wrote, oh was that the same arthur?

Janice~

Tea N. Crumpet said...

Where do we comment on the Engelbert Humperdink video? That is too hilarious. I would like to see what the sleeping wife is dreaming about while he is singing. . .

CrystalChick said...

I remember liking 'A Tale of Two Cities' when younger. This weekend we went to Philadelphia and walked about the Dickens, A Christmas Carol display in Macy's and then last night popped the DVD in(version with Patrick Stewart) and watched that. Okay... I blogged and listened from the corner of the living room, hubby and son actually watched. LOL But I've seen it many times.

Eileen said...

I have strayed from the classics in recent time, but reading your posts and it being the time of year that it is, I think I will pick up Dickens to read by my Grandparent's fireplace with a glass of Scotch.

In other news, we just had a massive snow storm in Toronto...for picks check out Raymi's site!

Take care...Happy Blue Monday!

WAT said...

Ah yes matey. Charles Dickens, one of history's all-time great writers indeed. Wasn't Oliver Twist made into a musical? I'm a bit blurry here, help me out.

My latest goal is to read Miguel De Cervantes' masterpiece Don Quixote in the original Spanish. Imagine that undertaking!

Akelamalu said...

You're substituting tea for cyder? That's brill. It's years since I read Dickens, I may read some again now you've reminded me, thanks Gleds. x

Gledwood said...

Crystalchick: Oliver Twist is the ONLY Dickens I've read though some of the recent BBC adaptations e.g. Bleak House (NOT boring like the book), a new Oliver Twist for this Xmas, a new Old Curiosity Shop, the recent Great Expectations are FANTASTIC seriously... if you get a chance to view 'em on your local TV I'd definitely go for it and record... Did the 1990s British Sherlock Holmes come on your TV? That was FANTASTIC both me and Mother Hubbs love it...

Eileen: I heard about the blizzard!

Can I ask you something? Do you know Raymi personally? She seems a funny one! I just can't make her out, but one reason I liked her blog is her friends really remind me of some of my old friends so I assumed she was my kinda gal. Also I get the impression she's not nearly the bit exhibitionist she would like to make out but actually quite body-conscious... do you think I'm right..??

Wat: Oliver Twist the musical we did at primary school it was fantastic seeing my old headmaster (principal) picking people's pockets on stage!

Akelamalu: I'm going for Great Expectations next, I think... that's the story I know best, after Oliver... ;->...

Gledwood said...

OK THIS LOT OF 4 ANSWERS GOT SOMEHOW LOST SO HERE THEY ARE AGAIN ... HENCE IN WRONG ORDER!

Queenie:
Hope you like "spell on you" too!!

Vincent: a travesty indeed! Prawns! Ugh! Americans call 'em shrimps but we think we're posher with our "one word for the farmyard (or the sea) and another for the table (or the takeaway!!) haha!!

Janice: ARTHUR? Uh??

Tea & Crumpet: I know that one's classic... I honestly couldn't tell whether it was done in all seriousness or whether it was MEANT to be a tacky takeoff...

Eileen said...

Hey, I don't know her personally, I started reading her blog through Katarina (who is one of my closest friends). Katarina had an art show at a neighbourhood bar and Phil and Raymi came out for it. I thought she was nice, and surprisingly enough...quiet.. almost shy.

In reading her blog she doesn't seem like she is trying to hide the fact that she is body conscious...I don't know her so it's hard to come to any affirming conclusion about it. She seemed pretty right on. I think Katarina and I are going to her art show in a couple of weeks...

Hey, I am sure that you don't mind her being a wee bit of an exhibitionist...it's not like she is hard to look at ;)

Gledwood said...

No, no that's not 100% what I meant...

I wasn't sure how much other people see that (well to me pretty obviously) she has a shy/exhibitionist thing going on or a shy/not shy thing

the eating disorders mag that interviewed her put it all down to a thing about her "food porn" and body showing off even though it's "not perfect" though they said that not me; I think lots of people (not all women either) get far too hung up on bodily "perfection"

i see what you mean about shy ... i was just wondering what she was like in "reality" ... hard to put my finger on but there's a power in her blog - maybe the power of a lot of people taking an interest, I don't know but whenever i visit i feel it!

Bimbimbie said...

The Old Curiosity Shop was the first Charles Dickens book I borrowed from my Dad's shelf - loved the characters Little Nell and her Grandad. I've been listening to a daily reading of A Christmas Carol each afternoon which is also a favorite.

I would have loved to have seen those faces on the bus when you brought out the green mush lol *!*

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Well done. Gleds. for perseving with Dickens. I'm sorry you are depressed about Xmas - believe me you are not alone and I used to absolutely detest it. I certainly still get my lower-than-low moments even now during the festival but have learnt to make the best of it. I just accept I won't get through it without "lows" and tears. Will be thinking of you a lot. Auguri.

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: o dear that is so typical of me not to realize I'm in public till too late. Bus journeys get so BORING, too!

I love that bright red parrot. He seems to impertinent (probably being bright red does it)... how entertaining that he follows you round the garden haha!

Welshcakes: I have VERY mixed feelings about Xmas even when I've "done" it which isn't every year all I've really done is eaten Xmas dinner! I might have an invite but it's a conditional one "if we aren't going out and if we do it at home you're welcome to come" ... but I get the feeling that's about 80% sure I WILL be there I just find it awfully depressing the whole time especially the way the entire world goes quiet and all for pretty much nothing!

TK Kerouac said...

oops , I couldn't see where your comments were

great videos
I wonder if Madonna's dad was abusive to her?

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood