HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Weekend Wonder

HI! Where has all my time gone!?

Gone gone gone...

... I have an idea for a short story that I'm going to plan out and try my hand at penning.

If it does nothing else - knowing I'm meant to write that might put me off writing that an back ON to writing my memoirs yet again... so I'm hoping to get SOMETHING written at least! I've not done much in the way of memoirs for over three weeks now. Trawling my unpleasant memories was too depressing ...

Well I gotta go it's late and I'm out of time.

Have a brilliant weekend everyone and I'll be back MONDAY.

G
xx

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Have a good week-end too!

I've just read the last three posts... man, your life is like a book, a non-boring one, an action movie almost!

Come on, write! ;)

Kahshe Cottager said...

I'm sending my Christmas wishes early this year as I will be away from blogland for a few weeks!

I hope you and the fur gang have a wonderful holiday and best wishes for 2008!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I'm sure you will write a brillinat story, Gleds.

Anonymous said...

Oi, achei seu blog pelo google está bem interessante gostei desse post. Gostaria de falar sobre o CresceNet. O CresceNet é um provedor de internet discada que remunera seus usuários pelo tempo conectado. Exatamente isso que você leu, estão pagando para você conectar. O provedor paga 20 centavos por hora de conexão discada com ligação local para mais de 2100 cidades do Brasil. O CresceNet tem um acelerador de conexão, que deixa sua conexão até 10 vezes mais rápida. Quem utiliza banda larga pode lucrar também, basta se cadastrar no CresceNet e quando for dormir conectar por discada, é possível pagar a ADSL só com o dinheiro da discada. Nos horários de minuto único o gasto com telefone é mínimo e a remuneração do CresceNet generosa. Se você quiser linkar o Cresce.Net(www.provedorcrescenet.com) no seu blog eu ficaria agradecido, até mais e sucesso. If is possible add the CresceNet(www.provedorcrescenet.com) in your blogroll, I thank. Good bye friend.

Nicole said...

Useless Brazilian spam above.

Nicole said...

I feel the same way... so much time and it seems like we get so little done.

CrystalChick said...

Terrific clip of the JG show. I was born in the 60's so too young to remember it, actually watching it here for the first time. But my parents probably tuned in!!

Whitenoise said...

You want to talk about time black-holes...? Get yourself some kids. ;-)

Queenie said...

Have a good weekend babe, avoid the holes no matter what the colour...

raffi said...

if only we can reverse the week/weekend work schedule (mon-fri holiday; sat-sun 9-3pm w/one hour lunch) i think life would make so much more sense/cents.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Boy, that's a short post, Gleds. You certainly have run out of time. Good luck with the story and I hope the memoirs get rolling again soon.

Take care.

Audrey said...

Hope you had a good weekend Gleds, a short story, that sounds interesting should be good and look forward to reading it. xx Auds

tomshideaway said...

Those outfits on the girls were great..

Guilty Secret said...

How exciting, I *love* short stories!

Gledwood said...

Zhu: bloody hell I must be describing it wrong it's not that exciting!!!

Kahshe: man everyone's going away... have cheery Season's Greetings for 2008 and the Dreaded Xmas!!

Welshcakes: bloody well hope so it's Monday and I'm not past the planning stage yet

Crascenet: uh?

Gledwood said...

Nicole: bloody spam I know what a load of nonsense.

Time marcheth by

Crystalchick: sometimes I really wish I'd been born American.

BTW re Judy Garland they made out she was a doddering pillpopping drunk at the end of her days this PROVES she was with it enough to hold down a prime time TV show... quite something in any day

Whitenoise: ok i'm not talking bout black holes NE more

Queenie: I always do darling! ;->...

Raffi: problem is you'd only get PAID in cents tho ... (:-<,,,)

Gledwood said...

Puss-in-Boots: I'm "planning" my next literary endeavours...

Audrey: I'll post it up if/when I finish it haha ;->...

Tom: didn't you notice Streisand didn't know a single word of "No Business Like Showbusiness" ~!!! and she called herself a star of the Broadway stage!!!!

Guilty : I will put it up when I'm done. It's a bit Chekhovian as conceived I'm afraid ... hmmm ... :-/

Anonymous said...

Olá(hi)lovely to blog!!!
Sou dona do blog disney stars forever.
obrigada pelo comentário.
sory,no falo ingles,e the blog is pretty.
bye

Alexys Fairfield said...

Gleds,
I heard about the controversy with the Queen and Lebovitz. Since I am at the library now and they don't have speakers, I have to read the lips of people in YouTube videos.

Enjoy your stew. Sounds good.

Btw, your brother is right. We are at the whim of the cable company as far as own choice of channels. Some of us have satellite, except me. Perhaps I will make the switch one day.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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