HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Cheese and Onion Rolls


LOVELY CHEESE AND ONION ROLLS! The cheese and onion being baked upon t' top. These I am devouring with intellectual parsley French cheese and garlic "le roulé". It's v nice but the robos prefer it without the garlicky cream cheese. Neither they nor Pingpong the Chinese hammy can abide garlick. They don't like ginger biscuits either.

My tiny Tubbies TM are so cute I nearly cried. Intruding upon their enclosed tartanness, I witnessed their wheel a-spinning wildly. On closer look I saw all three tubbies a-rambling at once. One hangs on and a flash of white belly flares around and round and round until the poor robo manages to unhook herself...

Bad news from Yorkshire: a 13 month old baby boy named Archie Lee was savaged to death by a rottweiler dog in Wakefield yesterday. The infant was being looked after by his 16 year-old aunt, who went upstairs just for one minute. Meanwhile a seven year-old girl, also in the house, took the babe outside to pet said doggie. The 14-stone rottweiler sprang and grabbed the child in its powerful jaws and literally tore him apart. The 16 year-old auntie ran down and bravelly tried to grab the child back but to no avail. Realizing she had failed she called the emergency services. Armed police arrived within six minutes and shot the dog dead. Sadly the little boy died in hospital later that night.

In the library today I found a book called The Way We Were by Paul Burrel, Princess Diana's flunky butler (her "rock"). Among the blah-blah-blahs in the centre pages are pictures of the late Diana's home at Kensington Palace. Man! I was shocked! This woman, an international "icon" of style... had absolutely no style at all when it came to personal interior decor. Honestly it looks like Jack and Vera Duckworth's lottery winning mansion ... Take a room-by-room tour:~

Dressing Room: Walls crabmeat pink, curtains pea green with spaghetti white strips. Pea green carpet with crabmeat splotches.

Sitting Room: Cheap white rug with pink-and-blue pastel squares. Nasty blue-red-and-butter wallpaper colours tightly meshed together giving overall appearance of a nasty 1970s kipper tie. Middleclass dollshouse windows. Champagne chaise. Cobalt blue curtains. Magnolia shelves along one wall against Barbara Cartland shocking pink paintwork.

Dining Room Deep red walls. White crisscross Hamptons Holiday Home style rug. Round table with Daz-white plain cloth. Totally mismatched bamboo garden dining chairs.

Drawing Room Yellow walls. Same middle class windows as "sitting" room now with red ruffy curtains atop and around. Pea green satin sofas with red and yellow cushions. Other chairs - crabmeat pink and champagne. Arabesque rug in white with pink-blue-green flowers-&-stems stylee swirls. Totally mismatched dark mahogany tables and drawers plonked here and there atop it. And most clashing of all a floor to ceiling silk mediaeval style pastoral tapestry.

Staircase: Yellow walls. White detailing "Wedgwood" style. Nasty post-Victorian splashy paintings spaced irregularly up the stairs...

Nasty business!

How does everyone like my "rude" poem? 1st one I have copied up for ages. Hasn't the verse matured? And the style improved? Since the last poesies I posted?

Scarce had the sun dried up the dewy morn,
and scarce the herd gone to the hedge for shade,
when Cytherea, all in love forlorn,
a longing tarriance for Adonis made
under an osier growing by a brook,
a brook where Adon used to cool his spleen.
Hot was the day; she hotter that did look
for his approach that often there had been.
Anon he comes, and throws his mantle by,
and stood stark naked on the brook's green brim.
The sun looked on the world with glorious eye,
yet not so wistly as this queen on him.
He, spying her, bounced in whereas he stood;
"O Jove!" quoth she. "Why was I not a flood?"


***

(Saturday)
Video:
HM the Queen's first televised Message to the Nation 1957


***

See some wonderfully atmospheric seaside photos from the North Yorks town of Whitby ...

20 comments:

Anonymous said...
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Gledwood said...
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Gledwood said...
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Gledwood said...
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Gledwood said...
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Nicole said...

What is a "drawing" room?

Nicole said...

Also, to the "anonymous" commenter above. Why don't you identify yourself? It's very easy to hide behind a computer and be rude to people and it shows utter disrespect and serves no purpose what-so-ever. If you need to feel better about yourself, go to the library and find a book about boosting your own self-esteem instead of trying to feel better by putting other people down needlessly.

jmb said...

Hi Gleds,
I wanted to come wish you a very Happy New Year for 2008. I do hope that everything goes the way you want it to, however that may be. I hope you finish your memoirs, it would be nice to be free of the monkey on your back too.

Thank you for being a very faithful visitor. The stories about your robos and hamster are cute and I am glad they give you such great pleasure.

Take care
jmb

Bimbimbie said...

hi Gleds ... we had a similar story from Melbourne - a nine week baby girl being looked after by her grandparents whilst the mother was next door was dragged out of her cot by the family Rotti. She died from the mauling ..gets worse, her dad's in hospital being treated for brain tumor and the little girl was the couples only child.

Such tragedies shouldn't happen you just can't trust any unsupervised dog around babies .... not fair on the dogs either to be put in that situation.

Ouch! That's a tad unfair to Vera & Jack, lol. Bet someone got paid squillions for their interior know how darlingk. I'm curious now you have brought it to our attention - how would you have dec'd those rooms ... come on do tell

Nicely rude by the way - (I heard her baying .... last line) *!*

eric1313 said...

Loved the tour of Diana's gawd awful dwellings. It's always a laugh when bad taste meets a nearly limitless bank account...

Purple plush sofas for everyone!

Egads... You'd think that someone would have took decorating out of her hands.

eric1313 said...

And have an awesome new year, sir.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ That brave anonymous comment person has little to do, and probably couldn't do a blog of his/her own. Nobody hates you and if there was any who did, they would just stop coming here. Awful about the two babies being mauled to death b their owner's pets. So sad to lose a little child and a horrible way to go. Take care, my friend, Love, Merle.

Gledwood said...

Nicole: "Drawing room" = "withdrawing" room ie a posher sitting room or family room

JMB: Those memoirs have kind of stalled. But thankfully I am free of phase 1 (university) and on to phase 2 so it's more interesting to describe thanks for the best wishes

Bimbimbie: I had never heard of rottweilers being violent until this year basically. I wonder if a freak gene has got round... in the 1970s there were frequent reports of German Shepherds going nuts on kids/innocent people, but you don't hear that now. I wonder if it's inbreeding..?

Eric 1313: Diana: I suspect they chose the worst apartment for her, furnished it with cast-offs and refused to pay a redecorating bill...

Merle: thanks I suspect as I said that those rottweilers have been inbred or something. The 1 rottweiler I have known was so well behaved even the police complimented her so ...

Nicole said...

I am always stunned when I hear stories of Rottweilers attacking. They are not bread for attacking and there are a lot of irresponsible, shonky breeders out there and not to mention the back-yard idiots. I also blame the owners for 99% of the stupidity that happens. Leaving a child unsupervised with ANY animal is not something to be done.

I've had three German Shepherds in my lifetime and one Rottweiler and he was the most exceptional dog I have EVER had, seen or known. He was an amazing guard and protector of children, especially. So much so, that people could not yell at their children while at our house because Caleb would run between the parent and child and growl at the parent as he thought the child was in danger. He would at times have little kids hang around his neck while running up and down the hallway with them, like some kind of amusement ride.

A proper Rottweiler comes from the German town of Rottweil where the breeders pay special attention to good temperament. The dogs were brought up to Germany by the Romans (I think somewhere in the 13th or 14th century) and were used mainly by shop owners, like butchers etc, on their buying trips, as the Rottweilers kept the money pouches safe. Their instinct is not to attack and bite but to be threatening enough to keep you in one spot until the owner arrives. They are very protective of their property.

Apart from that, all I can say is from experience with my Rottweiler, Caleb, is that it was the most beautiful, intelligent and amazing dog I've ever owned. People need to be more responsible pet owners.

Gledwood said...

yeah I had only ever heard of Rottweilers having exceptionally GOOD temperament... weird that all these horror stories come out now

;-??

what is that? a winking man with a double chin??

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood