HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Nothing for Xmas

LOOKS LIKE I'M DOING N O T H I N G for Xmas this year. Boo-hoo!

The girl in the local shop asked what I was doing. I said why? She said because I'm working here! I said well I'll bring you a turkey sandwich. I make very good sandwiches. She smiled at that.

Anyway she's a Muslim!!

I found another entertaining article in The Sun newspaper about someone who got a Chinese tattoo... only to discover several years later that it doesn't say what she thought it said.

"Stunned Joanne Raine had lover Andrew Blanche's nickname "roo" tattoed in Chinese on her tum - and found out after they broke up that it said SUPERMARKET.

Joanne paid £80 for the tattoo in 2004 but only discovered its meaning days ago when she flashed it in a Chinese takeaway.

The Darlington lass, 19, said: "My friends are laughing but I'm embarrassed."

Worried about your Chinese tattoo? Email us a picture to features@the-sun.co.uk


Silly cow. If she knew anything about Chinese she'd know they don't have the sound R in their language. (It's the Japanese who don't have L. Thais have both but still mix the two up even in their own native tongue!)

Who'd get a tattoo in a foreign language they can't even read. Aparently David Beckham's Hindi tattoo across one arm has a spelling mistake in the graceful Devanagari script.

I don't blame Chinese takeaway staff for writing down jokes:

Here's another one:

... Proud Vince Mattingley, 44, who thought he'd had his name tattooed on his chest for 26 years, just found out the actual words read Coca Cola!

The actual "Chinese traditional" for Coca~Cola is 可口可樂 so it seems even The Sun newspaper got that wrong too. (Maybe the original tattoo was too rude to repeat in English.)

By the way Coca~Cola in Japanese is コカコーラ. They use the katakana syllablary to spell out foreign words. (& incidentally for onomatapoeic words like su-zoom (スズメバチ) suzume-bachi, which means hornet!) A バチ bachi in Japanese is a bee or wasp type buzzing critter fly thing...

Wanna know more about the misuse of Chinese characters in western culture? Go to this website:
http://www.hanzismatter.com


IT HAS BEEN UTTERLY FREEZING COLD THE LAST FEW DAYS AND NIGHTS (down to -5C in Norwich, where I used to live). So cold I've been waking shivering under my psychedelic pink and yellow blanket (where on earth Mother Hubbs found that one I'd love to know...) and had had to turn on BOTH rings of the hob to warm up.

Even my drug dealer was complaining it was too cold to come out of his car. But then drug dealers just want extortionate heroin profits without ever feeling beholden to their customers (which they are - for all that spare Chinese takeaway, cigarettes, mobile top-up, Playstation games, CDs, DVDs and all the other ephemera they blow their profits on money ...

I HAVE STASHED MY ROBBIES back in their tartan washing bag to keep warm. As for people who say that is cruel (to keep them in a fishtank in a bag, or to shove the tank in a cupboard or something) how can it be? As burrow-dwelling rodents who only venture out under cover of thick darkness they actually feel far more comfortable wrapped up like that. Like most other rodents they are short-sighted (one olde Englishe word for short-sighted was "mouse sight") - so they don't appreciate views. Views are things predators use in the wild to catch and eat such scampery furry morsels.

That silly Itchy went nuts the other day. Twice actually. One time she was so severely spooked by the running of a tap she took to darting up and down my arms and threatening to ping off... the second time the rustling of a carrier bag actually did upset her so much she did a backflip onto that famous pink-and-yellow blanket!

BACK TO THE CHILLY WEATHER. We have no heating or hot water at all! The repairman spent all yesterday running hosepipes out of the house. Then seemed totally to give up at around 4pm (which gladdened my heart as I hate having workmen in the house. Leaving the front-door unlocked all the time as they do...)

... and leaving our house like an ICEBOX at the same time!

And how was YOUR day?

***

QUIZ OF THE DAY:
Do you think this baby is a boy or a girl?
Clickonthis and study the ultrasounds....
I really can barely see a baby let alone what sex!!


***

Lorrikeets on a Queenslander's lawn!
This comes from Bimbimbie's blog,
which means "gledeber of the birds" in a mysterious Aboriginal tongue!

***

VIDEO OF THE DAY:
Victoria Wood: Let's Do ItThis is 1980s comedy classic

23 comments:

molson said...

Bummer about the lack of heat. It is no fun being cold. Fortunately the heat is working here in my Michigan lake shack or as my friends have named it the 'TLE' (The Lakefront Estate). When the heat does fail, I get to play repairman. I've had to do this at least three times since I moved in. There is nothing like freezing as a great motivator to get up off the couch and start fixing.

It has been cold and icy here in Michigan since our very American Thanksgiving holiday. It is cold and icy today with freezing rain, snow, and sleet. The lake has completely frozen over, and if it stays like this for much longer, the snowmobiles will come out on the lake. The ice is still to thin for that now. I don't own a snowmobile so I can't wait for spring and to think winter hasn't even officially started.

Good luck with the heat Gledwood. Sounds like you'll need it.

Gledwood said...

What do the snowmobile things DO on that lake..? I don't geddit...

Gledwood said...

Molson: I bet that cabin (is it a real life log-cabin?) ... is cosy. Yeah!!

EVERYONE: come on someone watch the Victoria Wood clip and tell me what you think of it. It's absolute comedy classic!

zen wizard said...

What was up with women getting their boyfriend's name in Chinese tattooed on their ass?

That had to be the stupidest fad...

Women--since they are usually the "dumpers" anyway--should know how ephemeral relationships are.

And then if you are the next guy to hit it dogstyle, you have to read another guy's name.

Well--I mean--if you read Chinese.

How about getting a Chinese boyfriend and having his name tattooed in English on your ass? Wouldn't that be cool? It could say, "Lee Duck Tran" on your ass. Get it done in an "authentic" English font, like Times New Roman...

Are dumb chicks in China doing that, I wonder??

zen wizard said...

I was thinking about that "Supermarket" in Chinese being tattooed on your ass--that is probably the worst thing you could have on there.

Well, maybe "Train Tunnel."

But "Supermarket" is pretty bad.

WAT said...

Oh my! LA does not get that cold, but it is COLD ENUFF for us already and winter is definitely not far behind.

The midwest areas of the U.S. right now are getting hit by a major ice storm! I can't even imagine. Check it out on MSNBC.COM or CNN.COM

Audrey said...

Split my sides laughing at that Victoria Woods clip it was hilarious and then Zens comment re tattoes..makes you think..lol

Really hope you find yourself doing something over xmas, even if it is bringing someone a turkey sandwich and making them smile :)

I can relate to your dislike of having workmen in the house, hope they are finished soon and youve got some warmth again..Hate being cold with a passion, I cease to function properly. Im having to bang my boiler to get it to work,they say the housing provider wont fix it until it goes altogether grrrrrrrrr

Thanks for the laughter x Auds

molson said...

Blasting across frozen lakes on snowmobiles, otherwise refered to as sleds, is like a national sport in the upper midwest USA. Many sleds are capable of going over 100 mph (161 kmh). They don't come with seatbelts. If you don't get riding the sleds Gledwood, you really won't get the ice fishing. Every winter each lake sports a temporary shanty town of ice fishing shacks and of course there are the unlucky fisherman who don't have an ice fishing shack. They have to sit out in the open exposed to the icy wind on an upside down bucket. I don't own a sled nor do I own an ice fishing shack. I just don't do ice fishing.

The TLE is not a log cabin though it would be neat if it was. There are a few authentic log cabins nearby. The TLE is what realtors refer to as a bungalow. I call it a shack, but that doesn't work for the realtors as shack seems to have negative conotations for them. To me it's a shack and that is good enough. It's pretty cozy until the temperature drops below -18 C. Then it feels a little chilly inside. There is no fireplace and shacks don't come with the best insulation. At least it has indoor plumbing. It didn't when it was first built. I'm not looking forward to January. At least it is not as cold here in winter as it is for our friendly neighbors to the great white north. You know the ones with the really cool maple leaf on their national flag:-)

Whitenoise said...

Hope you get warm soon.

Once the lake freezes, the snowmobiles race around ontop- just more driving space. Here's some video

Angie said...

Hi Gleds,
I really hope you do end up doing something nice on Christmas day.I'm glad I'm not the only one who hates having workmen in the house, it's a pain making cups of tea for them all the time! In answer to your questions,the Wirral is NOT in Liverpool,it's across the river and no,I didn't do anything to enhance the sunset, that's how it was.

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds - I've got some Japanese background "screeching" coming out of our tv - I don't know if someone is being murdered or they are just very happy *!* I'm giggling along anyway as I read about the tatts - I've never understood why people take the risk of getting something they can't read. Would love to be a fly on the wall once the victim has walked out and the staff burst out laughing *!*

Wish I could do a swap with some of our warm weather for some of yours.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~ ~ I do hope you are warm again and manage to keep warm.Thanks
for your comments.Ssh, don't tell anyone about the "disco dancing".
I liked Nick's comment "so the bumper bar bumped you" My leg is OK.
Sorry you had the experience of a black bruise from a night out on the town. Sort of discourages you to go out again.. I hope you do something
nice on Christmas day. Take care,
Regards, Merle.

Nicole said...

Our day was okay. We got a few things done and I'm about to be thrown off the computer so that Vincent can update his blog.

Eileen said...

I am not doing anything for Xmess either....kinda relieved about that.

Snowmobiling is real fun stuff. Our cabin in on a river and the ice freezes thick enough that you can take the sleds out on it.

My boyfriend and I were thinking about going on a snowmobile/dog sledding weekend up north this year.

Emperor Ropi said...

flirting with the shop assistant?? hehe good

Gledwood said...

ZenWizz: that was fantastic commentary. You don't mind if I post it up 2nite do you...??...

Wat: LA? Cold? colder than 10C? 60F? U serious??

Audrey: v entertaining weren't they both?!? As for the workmen what particularly annoys me is that habit of leaving doors open. WHY WHY WHY???

ps wasn't V Wood classic I know haha!

Molson: o! sleds! You shoulda told me!!

You could always stick cut-in-half logs round the outside and have a stick-on log cabin haha!

Gledwood said...

Whitenoise: hang on i go have a look at that vid in a sec...

Angie: I didn't think you did enhance the pic, then I remembered it was computers and the 21st century so I had to ask... it's wonderful!

Bimbimbie: could mix it all together and it would be like Greece in spring. Well... maybe

Gledwood said...

Merle: I hope that bloody horrible bruise goes away soon nasty things

Nicole: ;->...

Eileen: I don't know what I'm doing at ALL for Xmas. Doesn't seem exciting at all this year somehow...

Ropi: ;->...

Gledwood said...

Whitenoise I have to try that video link again as nothing came up but a blank black squarelike space with some adverts beneath it!

Odat said...

What's a hob?

I've also seen the tatoo story...made me lol.

Stay warm!

Peace

Gledwood said...

hob... how weird I was trying to find an "international" word for "cooker" that I know you don't use in America...

hob is the top of the stove where you heat saucepans

so what do they call a totally flat halogen hob or a ceramic hob in America??

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood