HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Ginseng 人参 Eyepopper

I WAS GAZING INTO THE CHINESE HERBALIST'S WINDOW and admiring the mysterious Chinese characters that seemed to march across everything - like miniature exploding bundles of firewood - when I came to 人参 and my eyes nearly popped out of my head! 人 is jin; "man" in Japanese (which borrowed half its vocabulary along with the Chinese writing... so 人参 must be ginseng. Google's translator just confirmed this. Wahey!! Seems my studies are actually getting me somewhere. A similar thing happened a few weeks ago outside a small restaurant I saw the hiragana syllables すし and a faint voice at the back of my head whispered "sushi!" I nearly fell over backwards when I realized I had unwittingly managed to read something in Japanese!!

I couldn't stay stood outside that herbalist too long as the sales lady spotted me and her face lit up: "Ah! I see £300 customer. Full of much disease!" she thought. (Well; she might have done.) And she excitedly started beckoning me in. I took a leaflet from the streetside dispenser and hurriedly waved her goodbye.

POOR ITCHY'S RIGHT TO RAMBLE IS UNDER STRICT JUDICIAL REVIEW still and she has gone no further than the mound of toilet tubes at the far end by the teabox since her recapture on Monday evening. The little swine!

WE HAVE HOT WATER BACK! And in renewed effort not to look like a street drinker I fully utilized the facilities yesterday and when I get back home in a sec I'm going to use that tartan washbag to take my clothes down the laundrette. Our nearest one has a spin-dryer so I know they're OK.

I HAD A REALLY INTELLECTUAL BREAKFAST of cheese rolls with black pepper'd Boursin spready-cheese. It was really yummy. Just like being in the midsummer meadows of central France. Except being freezing cold in a leaky garret in leaden-sky'd London ...

WELL NOW OLIVER TWIST'S OVER I'm desperately seeking something else to read. Anna Karenina isn't really cutting the mustard as Dickens whetted my taste for stories of the lower middle class. Tolstoy's characters have titles like Duke and Princess and reside in gleamy horse-clopping fairytale carriage mewsed graceful palaces in St Petersburg with maturely wooded grounds. Not blackened hovels in Bethnal Green! I don't know I did spend £1.50 on Anna Karenina in paperback as well as £10 on a luxury acid-free hardback some years ago which I left at my Dad's house nearly ten years ago ... maybe I should postpone until I get my hardback copy as this paperback's printed in such miniscule type even I find it hard to read so I'd think most people would find it impossible. My other Dickens is Bleak House; but that's so exceedingly longwinded you just end up wanting to throw it out the window. Which is not possible with my wizzy new double-glazing.

AARGH! I really thought I might have something more interesting to say this afternoon but all sense escapes me so I'd better go before I bore you all to rigor mortis. Right then! Tomorrow!!

***

Audio Track of the Day:
Cibo Matto


***

Amazing View of the Day:
Lake Aititlan in South America at:
http://reasonsipostto.blogspot.com

... and from Spain, some of the most amazing winter wonderland pixx I've ever seen!

An amazingly funky French picture ...

19 comments:

Eileen said...

Hey,

I would like your advice...I suppose I will have to ask you for it in your comments because I can't see an email address listed anywhere, but that's ok...

I have a close friend I have known for about 12 years who has a coke problem...she has been with her dealer for about 10 of those years (this is where the habit was formed). I have been stickin around because I have faith in people and their ability to overcome. The other night she called me near hysterical...I think that she is on the verge of disaster, however, is totally unwilling to try and address her problem in the public realm. I am at the point where I don't think I can watch her kill herself anymore. I offer a hand and she doesn't take it. She has to realise that my hand will always be extended, however, there is only so much I can be subjected to.

I don't know what it is like to be an addict and I am VERY worried for her. Any words of advice to someone who is at the end of her rope?

Any insight would be appreciated...

Emperor Ropi said...

I have a Chinese classmate so I can even know these signs' meaning if I ask him.

Angie said...

Hi Gleds,
Have you read any of Dostoyevsky's books?.It's a few years since I read them and admittedly they can be heavy going but they are the type of books you can really get your teeth into.House of the dead is based on his experiences in a Siberian prison camp and Crime and punishment concerns a young studentRaskolnikov and his attempt to murder an old woman moneylender.
Chester is a beautiful city and yes, it does have a Macdonalds (unfortunately) can't say I've noticed any wrought iron round it though.

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds ... what about going to the library and stocking up with a mixture of authors plus more of Charles Dickens of course to see you through the Christmas break *!*

Getting to recognise those Chinese and Japanese signs must be a little like starring into those illusionary pictures.

CrystalChick said...

Good for you learning to read some of other languages... so interesting!
When my hubby met his birth mother (korean) she started to teach us a few things.... we eventually gave up as she speaks perfect English but it was fun learning a little.

I went to a Chinese herbalist years ago. They do a different exam than Western docs do. After she determined my issues... gosh there were probably a number of them, she filled the prescription for herbs right in the back of her office. It looked like a bunch of roots/berries, stuff you'de gather up on a walk in the woods. LOL But you boil them down, strain off the liquid and drink. I found it nasty tasting and made the whole house smell, but overall they gave my health a boost! Ah, yes, it got a little expensive and I had to stop after awhile.

I'll tell you the name of a favorite book of mine. Will blog about it one day as the movie is eventually coming out with Johnny Depp in the main role. He actually bought the rights for the movie awhile back.
It's "Shantaram" by Gregory David Roberts. Indian Mafia, drugs, prisons, slums, but it's a fabulous book. All true. Really good read. IMO

CrystalChick said...

Also, Sean Lennon used to be in Cibo Matto, right? I think he was dating one of the girls at the time.

jmb said...

Hey Gleds,

I enjoyed the Senza una Donna video. A very good song and I do like Zucchero but I still like Eros Ramazzotti better.

Good for you with the Japanese. Such a difficult language to learn to write.
regards
jmb

Deb said...

You should've gone into the shop...maybe you could've got some samples?? I love Chinese remedies...the cough syrup I use is Nin Jiom and it's made of Chinese herbs and whatnot.

The boursin cheese here is quite expensive...Tyler & Fiona love it and buy it occassionally as a treat.

Those winter pics from Spain are some of the most beautiful that I've ever seen....I love the last one.

Puss-in-Boots said...

My granddaughter can read Japanese...she's been learning it at school since she was 10...she's now 16 so I guess she should be able to read it.

Poor little Itchy, she's probably going stir crazy now, however I guess it's for her own safety.

Hope Christmas is good for you, Gleds. If I don't visit before then, have a good one.

Nicole said...

If you need more reading material try Umberto Eco. I've read a few of his books and really liked them.

Whitenoise said...

Now you need the Japanese characters for "woo-hoo" and "hot water". ;-)

Gledwood said...

Eileen: It is very difficult to do anything unless the person is ready for help. Coke seems eventually to make most people flip out. Some do it sooner than others but you can end up in a psychotic like state for days or a much longer time. I don't know how the system works local to you... One thing you could do is find out what help would be available for if and when she does want to stop. If you can navigate through all that in advance and get written details you might save a lot of trouble if/when the time does come. Over here you can get rehab paid for by the state but I know it's not like that in all countries.
From what you said it sounds like you're doing the best thing: that is keeping your distance somewhat and not getting too involved. There's little you can do to help unless the person really is ready for it, so unless the situation changes I would carry on as you are but get these details on how rehab/help/treatment works then if/when she does ask for it you can at least do something practical with that information...

I hope this helps
sorry not much else i can really say
take care of yourself do not let yourself get drained out by this it's not worth it!

Gledwood said...

Ropi: maybe the Sun newspaper should get in touch with him. As in their article about "man has Coca Cola tattooed on chest without realizing it" ... his Chinese tattoo wasn't his name, wasn't Coca Cola either. So whatever it actually DID say is a right mystery...

Angie: Crime and Punishment I have read about 2/3 way through but the book fellin half so it's needs must search out part II of the volume...!!

Actually it was Hampstead in N London that has/had a wrought iron McDonalds sign but Chester looked like the same sort of place!

Bimbimbie: I would love to be able to do that but I owe the library too much money in back-fines from years ago ;-<...

Crystalchick: REALLY? I had never heard of them till I came across them on that blog...

Gledwood said...

Crystalchick: sorry clickt the wrong thing at the wrong time: Chinese traditional medicine: I know someone who had bad kidneys who credits TCM with having saved his life!

You need enamel saucepans for all that herb-boiling though!

JMB: I really wish I could find a book that taught how to read AND write it at the same time from scratch... I'm not saying I'm whizzingly intelligent but I do have the time to learn the writing and I find the automatic assumption that you won't want to be bothered rather patronizing

Debs: I was wondering where they originated those pixx from they were fantastic weren't they

Puss-in-Boots: Itchy has been hiding in the famous tea-box...

You're lucky in Australia: being able to do Japanese from age 10. In this country they start you on French at age 11 and teach it so very laxly you only get to the past/future tenses in year 3 or 4!

Gledwood said...

Nicole: he wrote In The Name of The Rose and Faucolt's Pendulum, didn't he? Our local bookshop is so crap it probably doesn't stock him the main bookshop got taken over then promptly CLOSED DOWN within very few weeks which is typical

Whitenoise: I wish I could somehow find a way of wordprocessing in Japanese... I once saw someone doing it in a cybercaff... it was exceedingly complicated!

Nicole said...

He did write those, but the ones I particularly liked were "Travelling with a Salmon and Other Stories" and "Travels in Hyper-reality".

Other books that I love are Hermann Hesse's Siddartha, Steppenwolf and Magister Ludi The Glass Bead Game. I also love Charles Bukowski's novels (and some of the poetry), Stephen Hawking wrote a decent thing called "A Brief History of Time", and I also loved Andy Warhol's "From A to B And Back Again"... might remember more later.

Calfkeeper said...

Hi, greetings from Missouri, USA.

Like your blog...didn't know which post to comment on. Wish I wasn't on dialup so I could watch some videos. Takes too long.

I used to have 2 teddy bear hamsters when I was in the big city of Portland, OR. They are fun little furballs.

I am trying to broaden my mind with classics too. Read Oliver Twist awhile back. Also have read: Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Wuthering Heights, Red Badge of Courage, Les Miserables (abridged), A Tale of Two Cities, Canterbury Tales (what a riot) mmmmm...I forget anymore at this time. But have a long list to collect.

I learned a little Vietnamese (spoken, not written)awhile back. Would love to learn it totally. Keep up the Japanese.

Bye for now...come back to the dairy when you can.

Calfkeeper

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood