HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Rural Idle Decomposition

WHAT'S HAPPENED? THE WHOLE WORLD SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN by my blog in the past 24 hours...

Now I'm posting with nothing so much to say!

Well I suppose I should tell you about my stupid "rural idyll". This really must mean I am getting old. That I am starting to have daydreams and fantasies of living in the country... and actually knowing my neighbours' names. Like living in a real-life version of the BBC Home Service/Radio 4's Archers: An Everyday Story of Countryfolk. All this got kicked off (as most of my brief obsessions do get kicked off by something) by the BBC1 programme around 11am when a man who looks like an auctioneer from Antiques Hunt showed an unusually minted couple round three homes plus a mystery house. (It is called Escape To The Country - I just looked it up.) The basic premise is watching someone else going househunting, which doesn't sound that inspiring, does it. And often it isn't, especially as it's usually in the £300,000/$600,000 pricerange (for which you can get a very average 5-bed house without great grounds or loads of grounds and a pokey thatched cottage actually no a thatched cottage with roses round the door might go for over £600,000 now... well whatever on this day we had a posher pair from London who wanted a spacious house in Gloucestershire (very posh county) for £800-£850,000 ie upto $1.7 million. O they won't get hardly anything for that! I scoffed how wrong I was. Man! These houses were absolutely beautiful. The best was a coaching house (ie the sort of building that in another life could be a country pub - but with hotel accommodation atop), the gardens were gorgeous with what looked like mature cypress trees... oh I forgot to tell about the house, it wasn't palace-sized but as ordinary houses go the ceilings were wonderfully high, 5 or 6 fullsized bedrooms, all wonderfully appointed, granite-topped kitchen. Wow. They even had a babbling brook in the garden... watching it started this strange longing inside me. I wonder if I will ever get there before I die...(!!)

Why does everyone like Sonique so much?!? When I thought I was the only one who did. Then what has happened to her? I know she has/or had a career as a club DJ, so maybe she's been spinning discs all this time. But I have to say a voice is such a greater power than an ability to spin discs... Hers has a primal quality. It's not all in the sound of the voice but in how she uses it too. I think that "Spell On You" is a fantastic performance...

That stupid cow Itchy has been sleeping off her latest adventure inside a tartan washing bag (where I presently hide their glass box). If anyone is wondering why I have FOUR hamsters yet mention ONE far more than any other three it's because Itchy is pretty much handtame though she has a proclivity to panic, which is in her breed I'm afraid. Any sudden noise and she startles out of her skin. Her "sisters" Bashful and Sphere are not tame at all really. They just love darting around being scared. If they were transmogrified into human form, Spherical especially would be waving her hands in the air and screaming (and then coming up to me for a discreet sniff when she thinks I'm not noticin'...)

Yes! I am a street drinker. Not! I feel incredibly defensive on this issue now. And that's all I'm saying as protesting too much was Lady McBeth's fault not mine haha!

Madonna: Oh Father
Sonique: New World


Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, that house hunting show - is that with the couple of presenters called Phill & Kirsty? My mam sends video's of some of the Brit tv shows and this one always makes me wonder how serious some of them are to move or just simply be on the show because they don't all get to move or sell their homes by the end of the program. Perhaps Itchy is hinting a move to Scotland would be nice ... tartan wash bag *!*

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Sorry about your kerfuffle with the police. And if Mother Hubbard said you looked like a street drinker, Maybe you could make yourself more presentable ~ why not
try it? You might feel better yourself. Not all Australians are for a republic. I admire the Queen
very much ~ she does a great job for her age. Well done on cutting down the drink. Take good care of yourself and your little mates. Have a happy Christmas, and maybe 2008 will be the year of Gledwood!
Best wishes, Merle.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Sorry about your kerfuffle with the police. And if Mother Hubbard said you looked like a street drinker, Maybe you could make yourself more presentable ~ why not
try it? You might feel better yourself. Not all Australians are for a republic. I admire the Queen
very much ~ she does a great job for her age. Well done on cutting down the drink. Take good care of yourself and your little mates. Have a happy Christmas, and maybe 2008 will be the year of Gledwood!
Best wishes, Merle.

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: strange you mention Scotland ... only this morning I was daydreaming about living in a Scottish castle ... yes I wonder about some of those "house hunters" ... they hardly jump into making offers for their "ideal homes" do they... also I find the producers' proclivity to go over their maximum budget highly annoying. If I went on I'd lie about my budget and push it down so anything they dredged up for me I could definitely afford

Merle: you're right ... I thought I really wasn't that scruffy but obviously the police thought otherwise... all my clothes were normal though, it was the fact I had 2 mismatching jackets on for warmth ... and also my demeanour... though I'm still cleaning self up. After all, one can never be too clean, can one!! (Ooer I'm talking like her Majesty now ;->...)

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood