HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Evil Policeman, Itchy Imprisoned (Again), Oliver Over... etc...

AN EVIL POLICEMAN THREATENED TO ARREST ME, pour my drinks down the drain and fine me £500 all for the "crime" of having visited an off-licence (liquor store) in an "alcohol control zone". He was incredibly rude to me and I remembered just what the police can be like when they're not being filmed in the presence of an "old bill" PR officer for one of those Cops and Robbers documentaries on television. (I've had that little to do with them of late...)

He never actually physically accosted me, merely yelled at me across the road on Mother Hubbard's street. When I pointed out that none of my cans were in fact even open, let alone being "imbibed" he climbed down a little and said, "Well let's keep it that way, eh?" and off I trundled.

The lady police officer in his company said not a word during this entire encounter. Perhaps she was too embarrassed. And the poor policeman. He was probably just trying to impress his girlfriend...

... Back at the house Mother Hubbard told me "You do look like a street drinker, I'm sorry to say it."

Really? I know I'm a bit scruffy but...?

Yes, really. She insisted. And then apologized for telling the truth, as us English are wont to do ...

***

I WAS FAR TOO UPSET TO POST ANY OF THIS YESTERDAY BUT THAT ITCHY ESCAPED yet again yesterday... (I should point out that she's not breaking out of her nest; she's jumping down from my arms during her daily out-of-the-cage ramble...) I told myself I really could not be bothered worrying too much about her being AWOL as I trust her to come back. Which she finally did over 24 hours later!

Last night I spotted her whizzing across my floor like a turbo-powered pom-pom. Far too fast for my 4am bleary consciousness (did you know BBC World Service radio have a newsreader called Bleary Gogan. Who on earth would name their newborn babe "Bleary"~?!?

Anyway about a half hour later I witnessed an evil wild sewer-mouse sneaking from the gap between some shelving and the wall... which thoroughly impressed on me just how tiny and tubby Itchy is compared to the common housemouse. And probably faster on her feet. It was a real rigmorole when I finally did capture her. Chasing her up and down the full length of the room four times. Throwing an Indian teeshirt over her in mid-ping. She jumped out of the teeshirt. I threw it down again, this time wrapping her up in tight custody. And only unwrapped her over the robotank. Which she took to pinging up and down and maniacally running her wheel most forcefully and causing thorough disturbance amongst the other two who poked out their pink noses and did the robo-kiss-kiss thing which is their greeting. A more severe greeting is pink nose to pink nose kiss-kiss and then one overpowers the other to a capsized furry bundle and forcefully grooms her tubby frame...

Well that's that! Itchy's exercise regime is under judicial review, like an escaping murderer's. I think she might have to be confined to rambling a large plastic box for variety. Then coming back to the glass box where she lives... poor swine!

OLIVER TWIST'S ALL DONE AND DUSTED! It really is quite a good book. And nowhere near as dull as Bleak House, I have to say! I heartily recommend it. And now I'm onto Anna Karenina. Which unfortunately being a £1.50 (brand new price!) budget classic has an enormous amount of information on each printed line which somehow wearies the eye.

But it is a great story fantastically told.

I've "read" it three or four times already... and somehow (never through boredom, only through personal upheavals of varying types) never managed to plough more than half through it. I shall let you know how I get on!

HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN is on BBC1 tonight (Brits only I'm afraid... well rather obviously unless you can miraculously pirate into BBC1 satellite feeds halfway across the world...) Excellent stuff!!

***

10:58 PM And her Majesty's latest docusoap instalment came to an end about an hour ago... Events included an Irish lady getting over-excited about personally meeting her maj at the Royal Garden Party (of thousands of guests at this annual event, only 100 are personally introduced to the Queen). Then she was due to be opening the new Arsenal football stadium, yet had to pull out at the last moment due to a bad back. I think they said it was only the fifth time this had ever happened. Poor Ma'am she must have been in agony to have done that, as usually duty comes far ahead of her personal comforts. The manager, who had been telling the camera how great it was to be that Ma'am was coming was so incredibly gutted he really looked like he was going to cry. But the Duke of Edinburgh (Ma'am's husband) saved the day. He is probably my second favourite royal after the Queen - a tie with Prince Charles. I was in a bad mood with Prince Charles the other week after finding out he (allegedly) reads NONE of his personal mail. Employing instead a team of professional letter-openers with posh accents to read and answer everything for him! I thought this was incredibly rude. But not as rude as most Hollywood stars, I suppose; many of whom would like to think they are royalty. Write to them and they'll never reply at all! I suppose this correspondence thing touched a nerve with me because when my brother and I were quite small and recouperating from scarlet fever, our Mum gave us midnight blue sugar paper upon which we painted some fantastic Bonfire Night November 5th fireworks in metallic poster paints. These we sent off to her Majesty at Buckingham Palace. Not long later I was astonished when my Mum told me we'd both got letters (and very posh letters indeed on crested paper) from Ma'am's lady-in-waiting telling us how delighted the Queen was with our "drawings" and how touched that we'd troubled to send them to her.

Sophie, Countess of Wessex (wife of Prince Edward, the Queen's youngest son) had a baby boy today, the Queen and Prince Philip's eighth grandchild!

Right I shall stop blithering on about the Queen now. Only suffice it to say remember everybody next week's instalment's on Sunday night, not Monday!

;->...

***

Here's some wonderful Brazilian surfing pictures. Man! That emerald sea!!

Some striking modern photography from Sweden ...

See a German canoeing down an eight foot drop ....

***

Some really entertaining Chinese supermarket snapshots!...

38 comments:

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, that baby Itchy is really giving you the runaround isn't she - it all sounds very funny but I appreciate she'll be giving you a few anxious moments.

Alcohol control zone?? So that means you can buy but not open and drink until behind closed doors?

Good luck with Anna Karenina, I've never even attempted that book *!*

zen wizard said...

Dickens has an unfair advantage during Xmas time.

If there is a tie, I would like to see it settled in a Pay-per-view, Steel Cage Match.

Bimbimbie said...

.... I've just been catching up with your posts - have you got hot water and heating yet?

CrystalChick said...

Hmmm.... Anna Karenina... I was sure I had it, when you mentioned it awhile back I looked thru my bookcases but maybe it was moved to the donation box? I'm sure I never got thru it all anyway.

Couple questions: What is it that you don't like about Prince Charles?... he was mentioned on an older blog of yours...
While I always loved Diana, I find him quite interesting as well, of course in a different way, so just wondering what the general consensus on him is over there.
Also,
I have to realize that while Christmas is our favorite holiday, especially Christmas Eve night... many others find it a dreadful time of year. Why do you not like it?
If I'm too curious, no need to answer.
Peace, Mary

CrystalChick said...

Also....
New Jersey is a Mid-Atlantic state.
I put a response on the comment section of my blog should you care to read it. Chat soon. M

molson said...

Carrying alcohol in an alcohol control zone there Gledwood? Sounds like a punishable offense. Good thing you didn't end up wearing pink skivies. Maybe that's just an Arizona thing. Let's hope :-)

That crazy Itchy is a master escape artist. How can a critter with such small legs move so fast? Too bad you don't have video capability. You could make a movie... "The Great Robo Escape". Or maybe that could be the subject of a short story? There's possibilities here.

zen wizard said...

I just listened to "I Put a Spell on You."

Better than the Marilyn Manson version.

Of course, I heard a sick cow in a hailstorm trying to sing "I Put a Spell on You," and it was better than the Marilyn Manson version.

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: yes you're right it's not that I'm past caring but if I worried about her escaping I'd be a nervous wreck...

yes! that is precisely what alcohol control zone works... typical New Labour nanny state solution: tackle the symptoms not the underlying problem

yes! thankfully we have RUNNING HOT WATER suddenly - quite amazing!

Zen Wizz: can you imagine... Dickens mud wrestling with Tolstoy! Tolstoy would have an unfair advantage as he was about 40 years younger!

Crystalchick: I got annoyed with Prince Charles recently when I heard he didn't even READ ANY of his mail - I thought that was incredibly rude but then again you can't trust what you read in books.

"Snobby Prince Charles" was my paraphrase of the papers' interpretation of his Xmas card. Showing him and Camilla in a summery shot. No robins, no snow... Missing the point entirely that upperclass and rich people nowadays seem to think it's quite the thing to have a professional photography session of oneself and have cards printed of that... I would guess that makes the cards more collectable ...

What I like most about Charles is his commitment to causes dear to his heart. He really does speak out and try and support things. Unlike the Queen who remains so impartial she seems occasionally bland, Charles never fears speaking out about ugly modern architecture (I only agree with him there about 1/2 the time) and issues like organic farming and genetically modified food, which is a massive issue here in Europe though I've heard in America it barely registers... did you know a huge proportion of American soya is genmod and here in the European Union nobody wants to buy it... the Americans were hinting at starting a trade war over this but it's NOT just the EU being picky (this time) it's really NOT - European consumers DO NOT WANT GM soya or GM anything else!

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

Molson: I was actually considering penning a robo escape story.

Itchy's legs are indeed stubby and her frame tubby. But I've heard robolegs are quite a lot longer than ordinary dwarf hamster legs or mouse legs which would partly explain how she manages to ping so exceedingly fast!

Zen Wizz: I take your point. So even MY version of "I Put a Spell on You" should be better than Marilyn Manson's then...??

That guy is only known over here for looking like an odd contact lens wearing dork

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Oh, you had me so worried about energetic Itchy for a while there! I'd love to see that doc about the Queen although I can't stand the Royals! And as for Soph and her baby being headline news - give me strength!! Take care, Gleds and remember you are not alone this Xmas. Auguri from Sicily x

Alexys Fairfield said...

Hey Gleds,
Did I tell you that I used to have hamsters too? They HATED being caged and would often escape. They were found in the pots and once in my father's work boot. Both times they could have been killed, but as soon as they were discovered, off they went to another hiding place. Slippery little creatures. You may have to get a leash(lead) for them.

Alexys Fairfield said...

Gleds,
Almost forgot. I love Sonique.
Classic stuff.

Whitenoise said...

Back when I was still flying overseas, I had many layovers in your town.

On one particular evening, I was returning from dinner and there was a cardboard cutout tied to a railing on St. John's Wood Rd near Regent's Park.

The poster was advertising a Sonique show that had already occurred. I should have grabbed the thing as a souvenir (I assume it was garbage, since the show was already over), but I was with other people and felt a little self-concious about it.

Too bad. Would have been a cool poster to take home.

The Beach Bum said...

Excellent Post!

As for your comment on my Blog. I am coping and dealing with my own addictions (alcohol and cigarettes). But somehow, I will survive the Holidays!

Thanks for visiting!

George

Zhu said...

What on earth is an off-license??? Is that some kind of British only thing?

Never heard of that... but sorry to hear you were bullied by the police. That sucks.

Arjan said...

You need a trackerdevice for those furry runners ;)

At my place we aren't allowed to drink alcohol on the street period. Only indoors, or there must be a special festivity of something. But I won't be allowed to buy a bottle of beer in the supermarktet, walk outside, open it and drink it on the street (normally).

In the Netherlands we can receive bbc1 & 2 on cable :)
Alas, I read it a day late.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Gleds, I get a slight inkling you are a dyed in the wool Royalist or Monarchist...take your pick. We have a few like minded souls in Australia but most of us are anarchists or more politely, Republicans. It's nice that Her Maj has some loyal subjects.

Poor Itchy, she's probably getting it on with the Evil Sewer Mouse and you've spoilt her fun! Shame on you, Gleds...heheh!

Nicole said...

Hello Gled. Sorry I haven't been posting much. We still don't have our own internet connection and I only have time for quick email checks and posting my blog. I'm on my mum's computer and now I have to hand it over to Vincent so he can check his mail and do his blog as well.

I'm sorry to hear about your run in with the stupid police. I'm not impressed by their behaviour. Having a badge and uniform does not make one King of the World.

We should be getting a functioning phone line soon, hopefully in about two weeks or so, depending how quickly the phone company fixes the lines. Once we have internet in our little garden room I can back-read some of the posts!

Also, our stuff that was shipped from Amsterdam should be here mid-January and with that my computer which I've been missing terribly!

Have a good week :)

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

maybe its time you had a bit of a tidy up if the cops think you are a street drinker? LOL!

Gledwood said...

Welshcakes: thanks I think I might HOPEFULLY have got myself an invitation this Xmas to lunch - wahey!!

Alexys: These robos I don't think mind their tank even though it's only 10"x18" they're only 2" long and it's packed with "burrows" (toilet tubes) and a wheel. I've never seen them looking like they want to escape... though my old normal giant tubby hamster Pandable who ran 8 MILES EVERY NIGHT on his huge rat wheel and lived in a far bigger tank (sadly it had to go when I moved house yrs ago) got FURIOUS when I took him on holiday in a mouse cage with standard hammy wheel! O! He nibbled the bars all night to let me know how miserable he was... actually he escaped at least twice even from his giant tank. At least when I did find him he just stayed in my hands. Itchy is really really quick and really tiny I don't think I could have caught her without that teeshirt!!

Whitenoise: I didn't realize how popular Sonique was... and what's happened to her?? Gone back to DJing, I presume... I like her voice

BB: Well alcohol makes merry and Xmas is a time of merriment!! ;->...

Gledwood said...

Zhu: an "on licence" is a public house (pub) or bar or restaurant, somewhere licensed for consumption of alcohol ON premises; an off licence is so called bc it's only licensed to sell alcohol for consumption OFF premises...

O, & the reason I spell "licence" with a C and "licensed" with an S is bc that's the silly British spelling!

Arjan: oh that's a shame you could possibly get a repeat of the Queen if you wanted but it might be on BBC 3 or BBC 4 actually what am I saying?... probably not it would probably be on BBC1 at some obscure time ...

Puss-in-Boots: O! I tremble to think about Itchy getting into scrapes with those horrible wild mice they are so aggressive to each other chasing one another round squealing with fear (or delight, I'm not sure which)... yes I am a monarchist re THIS country but wouldn't presume to tell Australians they ought to keep our Queen ... if the Royal family were a bunch of rotters I'd probably be a republican too but the Queen and Prince Philip and Prince Charles are lovely. Charles especially had a real rapport with the public - so much less formal than his mother! I suppose bc I'm getting older my opinions are more dyed in the wool. 12 or 13 years ago the Queen came down to Norwich where I was living and I could not be bothered to come out and see her. I would definitely come out now!!

Nicole: thanks Nicole I hope they hurry up with your stuff ... and to think it's trundling round the world in a giant corrugated shipping container (I had never thought of this but I suppose it would be MIGHTY expensive to fly it!!) ... re the computer access I understand ... take care

V V: actually I was brooding on that comment I went and posted up so typical me to post up even insulting stuff I never think first well anyway the REAL reason they stopped me had nothing to do with looking scruffy (the only scruffy thing about me was wearing 2 jackets one longer than the other but it was freezing cold!) ... it was the alcohol in my hand that got the attention. The silly bastard assumed it was opened

TOM said...

Gledwood ! Dickens, as zen wizard says, probably has an advantage..but I still think he's get my vote..try the poll again this summer!

Merry Xmas and Happy New Year!!

Lambchops play along. said...

Montreal Canada.

jim dandy said...

Thanks, I'm glad my local cemetery could inspire you. And as always, your stories and video choices are most entertaining.

TK Kerouac said...

I wonder if Madonnas dad was abusive to her?

Guilty Secret said...

Aw your mum sounds like an absolute darling!

Emperor Ropi said...

there are terrorists, mass murderers etc.. in the world but innocent people are always caught.

Akelamalu said...

Itchy's got the taste of freedom now Gleds! :)

zen wizard said...

Speaking of guys who could kick another dude's ass, Britain already had a much better Marilyn Manson about one Marilyn Manson's-life-ago.

His name was Screaming Lord Sutch.

Audrey said...

Theres a quality to Soniques voice that I just love, 'Feels so good' was one of those tracks I would put on repeat and fall asleep with, didnt realise she was an athlete though...

Really enjoy reading about Itchys adventures..lol I was introduced to some pet rats in the course of my work the other day, they are beautiful until I catch sight of the tail and ughhhhhhhhhh suddenly I cringe, this lady also has a scorpian, crickets to feed the scorpian, 11 ferrets a dog and a parrot..She adores them all but Im kinda hoping non of them escape...with the exception of the dog..lol

Must have a look on my book shelves and do some reading before I cast a vote.

Well handled re the police Gleds

Auds x

eric1313 said...

Evil policemen! I know all about them. You never forget being arrested for possession of mary jane, and the asshat who arrested you stuck it in his back pocket.

Bastards.

At least Itchy made it home safe. You never know about those sewer rodents, scurrying to and fro.

Gledwood said...

Tom: yeah - o you mean with an Xmas carol yes that is true.. ;->...

Lambchops: o, i was wondering where - Canada is a big place

Jim D: that's a really cool cemetary. Are all American cemetaries like that? British ones tend to be full of tooth-shaped c. 2.5 ft high edifices nothing too fancy!

TK: I wondered that too when I first saw it but I read 2 biogs of Madonna over the years and neither said or implied that he did

Gledwood said...

Guilty: My Mum my Mum ... I was wondering... ah I see what you mean she is not actually my Mum but she is v motherly yes you are right!

Ropi: v definitely true

Akelamalu: Itchy's got the taste for (foodless) freedom; that is right. Silly cow that she is!

ZenWizz: o yes I remember Screaming Lord Such I remember when I moved to London I assumed WE would have a Monster Raving Loony Part, Rainbow Alliance, Whiplash Party candidate locally... how very naive I was!! Libral, Labour, Conservative. And about 2 very boring offshoots of the above. Ukk.

Gledwood said...

Auds: yes Sonique definitely has a quality ... lots of it!! ... scorpions ugh. I loathe those creatures I just enjoy watching meerkcats eat them haha! bloody itchy I don't know what to do with 'er now she is getting more and more pingy by the day

Eric: once one threatened to bash me over the head with a telescopic headbanger... I have to say I'd recently been hit on the head by a passing truck and so fully appreciated the advantages of being unconscious. Maybe I should have said "yes I do have a knife and here goes" ... reach to back pocket haha

Merry Yuletide to Y'all too and a Superior New Year hahaahaaaarghgg!!

Buga said...

That emerald sea is in Portugal not Brazil!!!

Same language just a little bit colder!!! :)

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

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Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood