HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, December 21, 2007

No Tea Idiot (Идиот )

NO TEA FOR ME! My stove or "hob" as we call it here is kaput. Which means the room is plunging from chilly to colder. (I had to keep one ring on as a roomheater most nights, so I don't know whether that knackered it out or what...) And no more cooking. (Stew's still on the menu as that comes from a Marubishi Japanese pot.) Tea is off as I was using a saucepan to boil water; not a jug. If the fridge is down too there's hope it's just the fuse. Otherwise Evilstein's going to have to sort me a portable cooker!

My new reading book is Идиот by Фёдор Миха́йлович Достое́вский. Sorry! Brief attack of pretentiousness there. I mean Dostoyevsky's The Idiot. I'm quite offended that he took the title before me. Otherwise I'd have used it for my memoirs ... wah-waaaah!!

The memoirs are back on track again. I'm up to my first fulltime job and so the monotony of student - depression blah is broken. Heroin is still years away. I think I'd experimented with just about everything else until I came to that. And had my warning early: most drugs and me do not really agree. That is the thing about heroin. Far from frazzling you out the way most party drugs eventually do, it agrees so very much it becomes a kind of cure-all. Anytime, anyplace, anywhere it makes life more bearable. But I must say, by the time it's doing that for you, you're already an addict.

I won't go on except to say I found a new dealer - from Jamaica. I've only seen him twice and had such trouble with his accent on the phone I don't see how this is going to work. Loads of dealers come from Jamaica but this one's utterly incomprehensible!

Bashful is pinging about "beneath the tartan"... looking just like a cartoon character.

James Bond "Die Another Day" is on telly. V watchable. I specially like the tweetling noises from all that high tech...

Right! Have a cheery weekend everyone!
Video of the Day
Leona Lewis: Footprints in the Sand


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Here's two other videos I couldn't dredge out of the archives. Clickonthem you will get to the vid again once it's gone from this page:

Sonique: I Put A Spell On You
Zucchero: Senza Una Donna


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PS I just looked up "puppies" on that English mastiff website link above and got the story of one called "Jasmine" from 4 weeks to 16 months... wow! At 4 weeks she's a hamster... by 16 months a real moon-bayer!

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An ultra-funky Danish blog

SEE! An army truck parachuted from the sky~!!



8 comments:

eric1313 said...

I used to do apartment maintenance, so I understand. Get on that bastard and tell him you didn't sign on to live under a slumlord. Even if he is one...

And that particular Dostoevsky sounds fascinating. I love Crime and Punishment. It was a little slow to begin, but hit a good pace by page one hundred.

Have a great weekend and Merry Christmas.

Puss-in-Boots said...

You just have to call that dog Tinkerbelle, with the personality you've imbued her with, no-one would dream she would have a name like that, which is why I like it.

I haven't read any Dostoevsky for a very long time...but I tell you a book I loved and I'm sure you'd enjoy it if you haven't already read it. "To Kill a Mockingbird" by Harper Lee. A lovely book. I read it again earlier this year. It's been 30 odd years since I last read it, but I enjoyed it just as much the second time around. Hope you like it, too.

Tea N. Crumpet said...

Where did you get the Russian font? If I'd had that I'd have passed!

I would be very sad without my Tea. So would my husband.

Name the dog Tinkerbelle-- like puss said, no one expects a dog like that to have a name like that. Your accent calling her will have Americans smiling and talking about encountering the two of you. She doesn't eat hamsters, does she?

gledwood said...

ERIC: Crime and Punishment's falling in half and I've lost the 2nd half which is where I read up to! The Idiot is quite interesting, though the central character really does live up to that name he's so naive!!

Pussinboots and Tea: I have a favourite name already but have conceived a cat too who is fiercer than the dog!

Gledwood said...

SORRY I had to reply very quickly there as my time was up.... in answer to the Russian Script query: I looked up Dostoyevsky The Idiot up on Wikipedia and purloined the Cyrillic type from their sidebar!

eric1313 said...

clever use of wiki! I think this internet thing is really going to take off one day...
=D

Diary of a Madman by Gogol is excellent reading, too. I was talking to Ivan about the Russians, about how they were so far ahead of their time. They were post modern fifty years before the term ever came to be--they handled fatalism and nihilism with the best of them, and still tried to have a glimmer of hope.

Sometimes they did, anyway...

As I van said, "when one man controls the life and death of everyone in a country the size of most continents, it's hard not to be fatalismo". Or something like it.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood