HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Boogie Nights


I WROTE PAGES AND PAGES last night because I went "up" (on nothing) now I'm down to "normal" I feel like a human rollercoaster. Or more to the point, like a beach with constant tides grinding me into sand.

The weather has been beautiful. I wasn't sync'd in with the sunshine yesterday, so I didn't appreciate it.

Then I watched Boogie Nights which is about a waiter/kitchen assistant with an abmormally large xxxx who gets a job acting in porn. And he changes his name to Dirk Diggler. It's really funny. What I remember was my [2 female] friends watching it and coming back telling me about the cocaine! They loved cocaine. Barely ever took it, loved leeching off a man for the night being called "Princess" when they did. One of their cousins owned a West London very posh nightclub so she'd go up every now and then to be called Princess and get free coke. So I watched this film and I'm waiting on a refill of my medication anyway so I had none, so my mood soared quite nicely and I couldn't sleep, so I watched the film again in German! It's really funny watching tacky porn actresses doing coke and yelling at one another in German!

Then they go nuts on the coke and decide to rob someone by selling him a half key of baking soda for $5000 (was it really so cheap back then?) He's freebasing and letting off firecrackers in his house it's mental.

So I watched all these mentalists going mental on drugs and wasn't impressed by any of it. I hate drugs now. They steal happiness away and leave misery, emptiness and destruction behind them. Often when that seems not to be the case, it's just that you don't know the case well enough to comment.

So that was me yesterday now I have to ping off before I get terminated. I get an internet refill on Monday. If not then, then Tuesday. Wahey!!

9 comments:

Cloudia said...

thank you for sharing this lovely encouragement.


Aloha to you
from Waikiki!


Comfort Spiral

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Brother Frankie said...

They steal happiness away and leave misery, ...

how true that is my friend..

(hey, i have dirty dan detoxing... if ya pray, bend a knee for him)

Sirius said...

Hey Gled!

It's me, Mina.

Just wanted to let you know i moved to a new blog.

My new blog is:
http://purple-sirius.blogspot.com/

Syd said...

Gleds, yep drugs steal your soul and more. Glad that you are writing that and hopefully believing it too.

the addict said...

http://theaddict2011.blogspot.com/

Gledwood said...

thank y'all

mina i'm going to try saving that new url

Furtheron said...

It's like Trainspotting... I remember that as the seminal film ... now I watch it and think - Holly Crap! Good film but I have a different take on it all now.

Been busy so only dropping in and out... nice to see you still going well. Can't deny that whatever about Boogie Night was/isn't/wasn't as a film... I was always somewhat jealous of Dirk!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I love Boogie Nights. Great film.

Love you too!

SB

Gledwood said...

FURTHERON: do you think people find it a turn on watching that? I just find it amusingly tacky and I like the "family" they live in

SB: it was really hilarious in German I can tell you!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood