HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Weirdly Wired!

0030: I FEEL CONFUSED and weird. Deshane is coming tomorrow. Deshane has some connexion with the council he doesn't mind me being off my head on nutnutter disorder.

Deshane is not coming till 1430 so I have time to sleep.

I had "elevated mood" earlier on. That is I saw Paddster who told me his woes and I couldn't stop smiling at him. Then I had to pull a really serious face.

I think they all know I'm nuts nobody not one single person seemed surprised when I mentioned various psycho things (I had to to explain why I hadn't been where I'd say I'd be, done what I'd said I'd do, why I was all over the place I just had to tell people in the end) I only told 2 people apart from family that I had this schizzy thing actually I only told Pad I told Valium Marilyn I had bipolar I so wasn't in to a discussion about what schizoaffective means. I think Marilyn's daughter has bipolar anyway she is so hilarious when she's on form she tells a story about somebody and actually turns into the person she's impersonating. She's not actressy but she's the best natural actress I've ever met. And I've met a few. It's a shame because she was so pretty when she was younger. Model-pretty. I've seen her modelling photos. She's slightly vulnerable, the sort of woman who would rely on a man to sort her business affairs. I would never let another person do that unless I was so mental I just couldn't do it. Anyway she was telling me about this manic depressive she knows. "'E says yeah come raand tomorra night I'm avin' a party, then ya come raand and the miserable bastard just looks at ya and says 'what you want?'" she's so funny. Specially when she uses her ultra strong London voice to say how common she thinks other people are. Or does an impression of her late deaf mother (Marilyn is nearly 70) she used to say "oooh! Would you go out looking like that. Ain't she a trollop!" at the top of her voice. I couldn't stop laughing. I had "elevated mood" then too. One day I came round totally out of my tree I was so hyped up I was dangling feet from the ceiling. That was the day I got lost coming out of her house and the police nudged each other and tried not to laugh when they saw me. I was deliriously manic that day. Got lost on the way to my own house!

Valium Marilyn thinks I'm really posh by the way. I once showed her a photo of The White Drawing Room at Buckingham Palace (which is tennis court sized) and said "that was like our old sitting room only theirs is a bit pokey" and she BELIEVED me!

I kept hearing voices inside my ears just now saying half of words. It really annoys me when they DON'T SPEAK CLEARLY. I'm not like Pinky. Actually I avoided the schizophrenia diagnostic slam where you need just ONE symptom because i don't hear voices conversing about me and I don't hear voices doing a running commentary on my behaviour. They do sometimes summarize what Ive thought in single words (lots of voices make a sentence between them in spaced out words) but they never tell me what to do. This would make me yell at them and tell them to fuck off. Nobody tells me what to do.

0056 I remember when that dr asked me "what do you know about schizophrenia" ... this was in reply to my "a ha ha! you can't say i'm manic i've only been up for six days!" which wasn't strictly true though i did believe this at the time i'd already been up a week in manic depression (both) and stayed out of it a good ten days. Days 3 and 4 were the lost weekend where I really went more psychotic in a hallucinatory way than I've ever been before or since. O man why is all this me? Only other people go cuckoo. How can I of all people be CRAZY LAZY DAISY MAZEY CRAZY phase me. I'm not crazy. I walked through the park earlier in pitch black. I choose this park because it's Prime Mugger Territory and THEY ought to be scared of ME I would go NUTS if someone dared try and rob me and I'm not scared of dying. My head kept going over the same words again and again like Leonardo Di Caprio in the Aviator. I don't know why I do that. When I went to the shop earlier I was thinking in music. No words in there, just tunes. It was fantastic. Then this man in the shop was SQUEAKING pretending to be a little mousey! I thought "oh it's that time of night" ~ why do people always do weird stuff when Im feeling weird? To weird me out? Or weird me outter than out? I don't know.

No I don't go into the park to mug people. I started to go into the park after dark same as you go on a ride in Disney Land for the Fear Factor. It makes me happy and high. I get a buzz, a rush off of it. And like I say I may as well attack them as them attack me they had better be pretty sure about what they're doing, like I say I'm not scared. If I got killed I get a passport into Eternity without God having a go at me for committing suicide so it's all good. If someone pulls a knife my line is: point to pulse on neck, draw an imaginary line down my pulse, and say "CUT HERE". Stupid fuckers will probably run off in terror. I never carry a weapon. I never make threats I wouldn't carry out either. Which is why I never make threats to anyone. Only promises.


0149 i saw a thing earlier about a Scottish women's prison. hey i keep seeing eyes at the bottom of my screen. that means i'm titted on manic depression. anyway i saw this thing about the prison. the woman who wanted us to think she was clean when she could barely keep her eyes open at the end was... i was going to say sad but that's unfair. "Pretty predictable" is most spot-on. A lot of these girls actually say they feel better there, safer there than at home. The screws WERE on camera but they did seem genuine enough. I'd never go within a million miles of a prison. Reason? I was ON DRUGS. No way no way on earth would a situation like that where you're separated from ya drugs, NO WAY would I let that happen. Early decision in my druggie career. When they still used to pull you off methadone over 14 days. No matter how bad your habit you were forced clean in 2 weeks. Not surprisingly lots of people went nuts and were put on suicide watch over this. One thing I would definitely lie about in prison is my mental health. I would pretend to be sane so they took me off suicide watch. [deletion: prison suicide details] but i think (when i'm in that state) that people who are anti-suicide are pussies. I get very pro death. More than suicidal and wanting to kill myself I want to die and sleep for ever. That's what I want. And this idea I have had when depressed that I will live for ever in despair puts me off. Not hell. I don't believe in hell. But I sometimes have thought my mortal body was immortal. When I say "thought" I mean "the idea passed through my mind repeatedly" not "i believed that" I don't "believe" anything. I was at one stage Christian and Buddhist at the same time, so what DO I believe. Because I don't believe I cannot be delusional, so that gets me out of THAT one! Ha ha!

0204 Just wasshed my hair. See I have good self care now. I really need to go in the shower but without heroin insulating me against the feeling of water it's hard. Do you know what insulated me so well I didn't even realize I was cold until my hands literally seized up and could barely type? Mania in January! Yeah man.

I went back to January on my blog to find some tunes I liked. Looking back I realized I've been mental for 3-months flat with continuous high or low mood and maybe one or two days of normality (but the schizoaffective kicks in most noticably then so I still find I have little people living in my coat pockets etc) so it's all highly inconvenient, highly commendible, highly entertaining and highly o shit! my life down the draining.

O cripes the auto save isn't working and this will go walkies. I do apologize if this is not that together I'm kind of going off on one a bit tonight I'm stressed because Deshane wants to see me tomorrow and then there's this über-horrible mental health appointment where I get a Hitleresque new methadone team and I'm so stressed about that I'm not going to sleep between now and Friday I can just tell and I'm not going to bed either. No way am I lying in bed feeling shitty when I can be listening to music feeling high and putting everything out of my mind. You know?

0209 it is autosaving now but I've decided to post or it'll get too long and everyone finds me boring anyhow so BOREDOM AHOY!!

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood