0030: I FEEL CONFUSED and weird. Deshane is coming tomorrow. Deshane has some connexion with the council he doesn't mind me being off my head on nutnutter disorder.
Deshane is not coming till 1430 so I have time to sleep.
I had "elevated mood" earlier on. That is I saw Paddster who told me his woes and I couldn't stop smiling at him. Then I had to pull a really serious face.
I think they all know I'm nuts nobody not one single person seemed surprised when I mentioned various psycho things (I had to to explain why I hadn't been where I'd say I'd be, done what I'd said I'd do, why I was all over the place I just had to tell people in the end) I only told 2 people apart from family that I had this schizzy thing actually I only told Pad I told Valium Marilyn I had bipolar I so wasn't in to a discussion about what schizoaffective means. I think Marilyn's daughter has bipolar anyway she is so hilarious when she's on form she tells a story about somebody and actually turns into the person she's impersonating. She's not actressy but she's the best natural actress I've ever met. And I've met a few. It's a shame because she was so pretty when she was younger. Model-pretty. I've seen her modelling photos. She's slightly vulnerable, the sort of woman who would rely on a man to sort her business affairs. I would never let another person do that unless I was so mental I just couldn't do it. Anyway she was telling me about this manic depressive she knows. "'E says yeah come raand tomorra night I'm avin' a party, then ya come raand and the miserable bastard just looks at ya and says 'what you want?'" she's so funny. Specially when she uses her ultra strong London voice to say how common she thinks other people are. Or does an impression of her late deaf mother (Marilyn is nearly 70) she used to say "oooh! Would you go out looking like that. Ain't she a trollop!" at the top of her voice. I couldn't stop laughing. I had "elevated mood" then too. One day I came round totally out of my tree I was so hyped up I was dangling feet from the ceiling. That was the day I got lost coming out of her house and the police nudged each other and tried not to laugh when they saw me. I was deliriously manic that day. Got lost on the way to my own house!
Valium Marilyn thinks I'm really posh by the way. I once showed her a photo of The White Drawing Room at Buckingham Palace (which is tennis court sized) and said "that was like our old sitting room only theirs is a bit pokey" and she BELIEVED me!
I kept hearing voices inside my ears just now saying half of words. It really annoys me when they DON'T SPEAK CLEARLY. I'm not like Pinky. Actually I avoided the schizophrenia diagnostic slam where you need just ONE symptom because i don't hear voices conversing about me and I don't hear voices doing a running commentary on my behaviour. They do sometimes summarize what Ive thought in single words (lots of voices make a sentence between them in spaced out words) but they never tell me what to do. This would make me yell at them and tell them to fuck off. Nobody tells me what to do.
0056 I remember when that dr asked me "what do you know about schizophrenia" ... this was in reply to my "a ha ha! you can't say i'm manic i've only been up for six days!" which wasn't strictly true though i did believe this at the time i'd already been up a week in manic depression (both) and stayed out of it a good ten days. Days 3 and 4 were the lost weekend where I really went more psychotic in a hallucinatory way than I've ever been before or since. O man why is all this me? Only other people go cuckoo. How can I of all people be CRAZY LAZY DAISY MAZEY CRAZY phase me. I'm not crazy. I walked through the park earlier in pitch black. I choose this park because it's Prime Mugger Territory and THEY ought to be scared of ME I would go NUTS if someone dared try and rob me and I'm not scared of dying. My head kept going over the same words again and again like Leonardo Di Caprio in the Aviator. I don't know why I do that. When I went to the shop earlier I was thinking in music. No words in there, just tunes. It was fantastic. Then this man in the shop was SQUEAKING pretending to be a little mousey! I thought "oh it's that time of night" ~ why do people always do weird stuff when Im feeling weird? To weird me out? Or weird me outter than out? I don't know.
No I don't go into the park to mug people. I started to go into the park after dark same as you go on a ride in Disney Land for the Fear Factor. It makes me happy and high. I get a buzz, a rush off of it. And like I say I may as well attack them as them attack me they had better be pretty sure about what they're doing, like I say I'm not scared. If I got killed I get a passport into Eternity without God having a go at me for committing suicide so it's all good. If someone pulls a knife my line is: point to pulse on neck, draw an imaginary line down my pulse, and say "CUT HERE". Stupid fuckers will probably run off in terror. I never carry a weapon. I never make threats I wouldn't carry out either. Which is why I never make threats to anyone. Only promises.
LIZZY I HAVE PUT UP THAT SEDUCTION JUDGEMENT DAY SCREEN BIG SHOUT NUFF REESPEC GOING OUT TO YOU!!!!!!!!
0149 i saw a thing earlier about a Scottish women's prison. hey i keep seeing eyes at the bottom of my screen. that means i'm titted on manic depression. anyway i saw this thing about the prison. the woman who wanted us to think she was clean when she could barely keep her eyes open at the end was... i was going to say sad but that's unfair. "Pretty predictable" is most spot-on. A lot of these girls actually say they feel better there, safer there than at home. The screws WERE on camera but they did seem genuine enough. I'd never go within a million miles of a prison. Reason? I was ON DRUGS. No way no way on earth would a situation like that where you're separated from ya drugs, NO WAY would I let that happen. Early decision in my druggie career. When they still used to pull you off methadone over 14 days. No matter how bad your habit you were forced clean in 2 weeks. Not surprisingly lots of people went nuts and were put on suicide watch over this. One thing I would definitely lie about in prison is my mental health. I would pretend to be sane so they took me off suicide watch. [deletion: prison suicide details] but i think (when i'm in that state) that people who are anti-suicide are pussies. I get very pro death. More than suicidal and wanting to kill myself I want to die and sleep for ever. That's what I want. And this idea I have had when depressed that I will live for ever in despair puts me off. Not hell. I don't believe in hell. But I sometimes have thought my mortal body was immortal. When I say "thought" I mean "the idea passed through my mind repeatedly" not "i believed that" I don't "believe" anything. I was at one stage Christian and Buddhist at the same time, so what DO I believe. Because I don't believe I cannot be delusional, so that gets me out of THAT one! Ha ha!
0204 Just wasshed my hair. See I have good self care now. I really need to go in the shower but without heroin insulating me against the feeling of water it's hard. Do you know what insulated me so well I didn't even realize I was cold until my hands literally seized up and could barely type? Mania in January! Yeah man.
I went back to January on my blog to find some tunes I liked. Looking back I realized I've been mental for 3-months flat with continuous high or low mood and maybe one or two days of normality (but the schizoaffective kicks in most noticably then so I still find I have little people living in my coat pockets etc) so it's all highly inconvenient, highly commendible, highly entertaining and highly o shit! my life down the draining.
O cripes the auto save isn't working and this will go walkies. I do apologize if this is not that together I'm kind of going off on one a bit tonight I'm stressed because Deshane wants to see me tomorrow and then there's this über-horrible mental health appointment where I get a Hitleresque new methadone team and I'm so stressed about that I'm not going to sleep between now and Friday I can just tell and I'm not going to bed either. No way am I lying in bed feeling shitty when I can be listening to music feeling high and putting everything out of my mind. You know?
0209 it is autosaving now but I've decided to post or it'll get too long and everyone finds me boring anyhow so BOREDOM AHOY!!
I will be a national hero - One of my very first blog posts from 0ctober, 2005. Sadly I never did start that campaign. The trouble with Americans is: they can't spell. I suspect this ...
16 hours ago