HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Pity the Joy Man

WHO IS IN A MESS? Not me. Not.

I glanced over the bullshit I have written over only FOUR DAYS.

Did I really think it showed strength of character to kill myself? Why do I say these things.

Then I want to switch to a drug I know will make me suffer. While it makes me cleaner. Subutex is amazing. But only for those truly ready to be clean.

Now I want to be a poet (and don't I know it).

Today I am waiting for a misery bag. Yes high grade shit is coming my way.

Last week I got a couple of free samples, one was amazing. It knocked me out, literally. I didn't blog it as I was in such depression, the heroin barely cut through.

So this is me, still lost. If I were somebody else I should be sorry for myself. But I can't pity myself. That is too indulgent.

And here we are. I'm on basic German lessons via teach yourself, to patch up the gaps in my knowledge.

And waiting, waiting, waiting on the Joy Man to show his face and a little bag of powder costing £20.

Wherever you are have a nice day. And don't pity me or yourself. Pity doesn't pay the rent and it doesn't feed you. It is a waste of love.


McMannWeb best schizoaffective page I've found so far


Akelamalu said...

You sound sane today, is that because you've taken heroin again? I'm not sure what you're trying to do anymore Gleds. Do you still want to get clean or have you given up on that idea?

Gledwood said...

No I'm still waiting. I might want heroin because I am sane I couldn't handle sanity. That might be why I went mad. If that's sad it's only because it's true

Jeannie said...

I don't know that I pity you - I can't possibly know what your life is like. I just read the book Tweak and could identify with everything he said except for the drugs. But then I have practically nil experience in that regard. And too chicken to do anything about that. I don't know - is it wisdom to stay away when I am really just afraid to get more messed up than I am? Yet the heroin seems to make you less messed up.

Gledwood said...

See you see why I took heroin it seemed to help me. Crazy I know but it seemed to keep my sanity better than anything else. Risperidone does work quite well when I couldn't bare to take 4mg I took 2mg and started experiencing voices again so I know it's doing something.

You're not chicken not to use drugs. You're sensible!

Baino said...

Damn. Well at least you've given up the idea of self-medicating. I hate that Joy Man and it's a silly euphamism. Just don't fall completely off the wagon.

Gledwood said...

The Joy Man isn't a euphamism it's sarcasm. He ought to be the Misery Man. Do you know he's one of THREE who have said "why don't you just stop this". Two had seen how I lived and despaired at me; the other one was responding to my (then) news (in 2004) that I was going to rehab.

I can't fall further off the wagon, I'd do something stupid if I did that and I want to be sensible now.

The gear did nothing for me. Yeah it was strong. Yeah it was shit, like all heroin is shit. Waste of time. Somehow I always feel I need to get it out of my system. now what I mean ;-)



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood