HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Not as Down

I'M NOT AS DOWN as I was yesterday. I was in a horrible mood last night. The only good thing about those horrible moods is that nearly always I sleep for hours on end, which I love. And I did sleep twelve hours flat-out. I can go past twelve into the teens but I don't like to. When I wake up then I feel vile. Especially if I sleep twice in one day, when I wake up the second time I feel horrendous. Something I've noticed time and time again.

It was this type of mood, a kind of depression, that I was taking gear to self-medicate all those years. I tended to feel down whenever I had no gear and the days without it were just unbearable. For this reason I preferred using a small amount of heroin on top of methadone every day than larger amounts spaced throughout the week.

I usually felt OK-ish in myself (I thought I was all right) and I could raise my mood (slightly) by doing things like walking down the street. But I'd walk nowhere and feel like I didn't want to go home and the small amount of OK-ness that I got tended to be deluged in depression eventually, so it just drowned.

I lived that way for years, never entirely feeling better. Never getting any treatment (and the last time I was on antidepressants was, as I have written, unmitigated disaster).

I don't want mood stabilizer. It will prevent me going manic-swimming for one thing. Risperidone can be an alternative to lithium. (Thanks Lizzy for the link.) Carbamazepine can be used for rapid cycling but I'm allergic (was prescribed it over fifteen years ago) so I'd have to try oxcarbazepine.

I still don't have too much to say. It's a dark day! Nah I'm joking. I'm OK I'm flat as a pancake. Uninspired. I hope everybody likes the baby wallabies below.

I'm off to the Chinese in a minute for beef black been sauce mix vegetable fry rice.

PS i found something funny; it comes from the Royal College of Psychiatrists' website:~

■ Mania
At the start of a manic mood swing, the person will appear to be happy, energetic and outward-going - the ‘life and soul’ of any party or heated discussion. However, the excitement of such situations will tend to push their mood even higher. So try to steer them away from such situations. You can try to persuade them to get help, or get them information about the illness and self-help.

Practical help is very important – and much appreciated. Make sure that your relative or friend is able to look after themselves properly.


But whoever wrote their website needs to add a schizoaffective page. I can't believe they left that out when they had SAD (which my Mum says she has). SAD is equally uncommon and is a recognized subtype of a fairly common illness (many people with SAD are actually type 2 bipolar; they go up in spring as well as down in winter. I asked my Mum whether she ever did this; she said no.)


ps should I not eat the Chinese? It is full of calories after all? And I'm supposed to be starting a strict exercise regimen VERY SOON INDEED!

9 comments:

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

Sorry your feel flat as a pancake. I hope you feel better soon.

My sister is bi-polar (which I call the flavor of the month, because so many people are getting that diagnosis). She's been up and down for years with her mood swings, but she seeing a Psychiatrist now.

I'd eat the Chinese, I love it.

Janice~

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hey,
Sounds like you're doing better.
Hopefully everything will sort itself out.
By the way, you seem like a great sorter-outer.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

I think eat anything you want for now, you've been under so much stress, you deserve it (just my opinion,what I'd do)
On my Google reader I thought I saw a post about lorikeets, which I can't find.
They are really gorgeous birds & color.
j.

Gledwood said...

JANICE: I'm still a bit uuuuuukkh. Yes bipolar 2 is the overdiagnosed one, the milder more indistinct type.

What is "hypomania" (mild mania). It's almost impossible to know you have that you just feel really OK. Mania the full on variety I knew I had I had no concentration and my coping skills went DOWN not up. which says I'm schizoaffective not bipolar as a bipolar person would be lining up at the check in desk for New York. I could barely get myself and my keys together it was that bad!

TAFFETA: rainbow lorikeets would be Friday 11 March if remember rightly.

I hope I'm a good sorter-outer I have a LOT to sort out. Like a life. Ha ha ha!

bugerlugs63 said...

yea strange u should say that.(re; their kids) One of the mothers(in playground) that i had to confront, as my eldest son stroppy, who was 8 at the time, was being bullied by this womans daughter because his mother (ie me) had moved a "spastic paki smak dealer" into the house. They live 3 doors away. I asked the mother where she (the daughter) had heard these words?. i was fuming. It almost came to physical fight, which i have never had in my life (well not with a woman, and certainly not sober, or in daylight!)thank God i dont drink anymore.
Anyway, where was i? . . . .ffwd 7 years. & i would not wish this on anybody, but the daughter is completely off the rails (possibly due to alcholic bully of a 5ft step dad amongst other things)the daughter moved in with 2 well known female addicts until ss banned her from going to "that" house until she is 16 of course. I feel for the mother and she has actually asked me about this couple.Only because she mistook me 4 clean, due to weight gain,imprisonment of my ex & drought .(sorry to go on)Then one night i had to go local shop for foil (just foil) the woman at the shop said "do u want a bag for that?" i said " no, i got one at home" she dint get it ;-) so i walked down the street with my roll (not hidden) and hey ho back to square one!
fucking idiots!
suns coming out,
hope u feeling a bit less flat
with love
x

Gledwood said...

BUGGERLUGZ: o NO! you're like me i would do that .;.. either that or get very para and bring an elephant bag to hide the foil in

don't have any fights with housewives they always end badly!

be careful hitting blokes i know a bloke that got hit last week and everyone (except me) told him they would have hit back. I try and extinguish fights else fight verbally. Great thing about the fairer sex you can fight with words, which looks truly pathetic when you see 2 guys doing it but is the life and soul of far too many relationships as we probably both know.

I'm trying to cut my drinking to zero I'm not having much success. I'm depending on drink in a way I shouldn't, still drinking for breakfast I really need to stop it. I dont know how to.

I can do time without drink but that is a bit how it feels, like doing time.

bugerlugs63 said...

yes, giving up alcohol is a hard one. so available, acceptable etc.
I was just lucky that after almost 20 yrs of drinking every night, I found H and H was enough for me. never wanted to drink again.
I only ever got into fights with exes when we were pissed, when verbal fights went to far, when words were not enough. I'm happy thats all a long time ago.
You did well to cut down to 2 drinks a day at one point, then i suppose as u dint mention it again, I presumed it was just a couple at night & not a problem.
I dont really know what u could do. could u start by cutting it out during the day? maybe with the warmth coming, you could stay out all day, walking (swimming?) then go home and have a drink when u eat. I know, it all sounds so bledy easy . . .
I gotta go as long journey 2 prison and back tomorrow. Hamper G is excited though. picnic ready for train. I so hope its as good as she hopes. and hope tomorrow is a bit more undulating for you. flat is just so . . . .well flat
take care ;-)
x

Anna Grace said...

I left a comment on this post under yesterday's post, because it wouldn't let me get into here to post until now.

I was a little too harsh, its not like I never used on top of my Methadone. Your drink is what it is. Its not like your drinking a couple of quarts today.

What is the temp over there in England. Here its 46 degrees F, I don't know what that would be in C. Us American's using inches instead of meters. Us American's working out in movie theaters. We have it really bad over here. LOL! You know we aren't even taught the metric system here in America. There was a debate about it some years ago when I was still in Highschol, but it never happened.

Syd said...

I had Chinese last night. It is good but always leaves me hungry about two hours later.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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