Not as Down

I'M NOT AS DOWN as I was yesterday. I was in a horrible mood last night. The only good thing about those horrible moods is that nearly always I sleep for hours on end, which I love. And I did sleep twelve hours flat-out. I can go past twelve into the teens but I don't like to. When I wake up then I feel vile. Especially if I sleep twice in one day, when I wake up the second time I feel horrendous. Something I've noticed time and time again.

It was this type of mood, a kind of depression, that I was taking gear to self-medicate all those years. I tended to feel down whenever I had no gear and the days without it were just unbearable. For this reason I preferred using a small amount of heroin on top of methadone every day than larger amounts spaced throughout the week.

I usually felt OK-ish in myself (I thought I was all right) and I could raise my mood (slightly) by doing things like walking down the street. But I'd walk nowhere and feel like I didn't want to go home and the small amount of OK-ness that I got tended to be deluged in depression eventually, so it just drowned.

I lived that way for years, never entirely feeling better. Never getting any treatment (and the last time I was on antidepressants was, as I have written, unmitigated disaster).

I don't want mood stabilizer. It will prevent me going manic-swimming for one thing. Risperidone can be an alternative to lithium. (Thanks Lizzy for the link.) Carbamazepine can be used for rapid cycling but I'm allergic (was prescribed it over fifteen years ago) so I'd have to try oxcarbazepine.

I still don't have too much to say. It's a dark day! Nah I'm joking. I'm OK I'm flat as a pancake. Uninspired. I hope everybody likes the baby wallabies below.

I'm off to the Chinese in a minute for beef black been sauce mix vegetable fry rice.

PS i found something funny; it comes from the Royal College of Psychiatrists' website:~

■ Mania
At the start of a manic mood swing, the person will appear to be happy, energetic and outward-going - the ‘life and soul’ of any party or heated discussion. However, the excitement of such situations will tend to push their mood even higher. So try to steer them away from such situations. You can try to persuade them to get help, or get them information about the illness and self-help.

Practical help is very important – and much appreciated. Make sure that your relative or friend is able to look after themselves properly.

But whoever wrote their website needs to add a schizoaffective page. I can't believe they left that out when they had SAD (which my Mum says she has). SAD is equally uncommon and is a recognized subtype of a fairly common illness (many people with SAD are actually type 2 bipolar; they go up in spring as well as down in winter. I asked my Mum whether she ever did this; she said no.)


ps should I not eat the Chinese? It is full of calories after all? And I'm supposed to be starting a strict exercise regimen VERY SOON INDEED!