HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Like a Duck to Water

DO YOU LIKE the duck picture? That is supposed to be me in a swimming pool. Do you know that I was forced into weekly swimming lessons by my Mum aged six. I hated them so much I spent entire sessions in tears. So I must like swimming to even be considering it now. Swimming is the only sport I genuinely love. I'm still looking for swimming trunks I know I've got. One pair is baggy, the other is 1910 style, kind of like cycling shorts. I'm too tubby for the close-fitting ones. They only work when you're doing the swimming strictly as recreation, which I'm not. I'm swimming for thinning. The major reason for doing it is in order to be Calm and Stress-Free. I get very stressed very easily. And I don't think it is "anxiety" as such, it's more Stress than Anxiety. I don't have the cognitive style anxious people have, turning things over and over in their heads. I tend not to think about things, or to think about them so distantly they're vaguely real. But I've heard sports are like a drug. And being as I'm hell-bent on leaving a life of drugs Behind Me I need any new drug I can try. I have to wait till next week when the DSS deign to pay me. This getting money every 2 weeks instead of weekly thing they want us to do is not working for me. It means I keep running out of money now and I don't have the £5 spare swimming requires. And I'm not feeling fit enough (yet) to walk four miles there and back. Which I will do when I get on a roll. Keeps you even fitter walking an hour and a bit there and back!

And how was your day?!

9 comments:

bugerlugs63 said...

hi ducky,
I know, this fortnightly pay takes some adjusting to, I cant stretch it. I know its the same amount and logically I should be able to keep half for the 2nd week, it just never seems to happen.
yes i have thought about subbies again but i still used on top when on 24mg a day. I don't know what would get me to stop my nightly "reward". I suppose I don't think it enough of a problem to stop. I am on "take home" meth now and i am reducing. As u say, it wouldn't take much for it all to go wrong and I dont wanna be going from 70ml to 0ml overnight . . .Ouch.
I spent today being extremely lazy to "recover" from the physical and emotional exhaustion of 6 hrs on trains, buses and taxis + 3 hours in prison yesterday for Hamper G to see her dad. It was worth it but extremely tiring. So we had a day off today, watched c beebies, pestered the furry swines, and stayed in our jarnies. bliss.
Mad asda day tomorrow, I need to write a list and go to sleep. See what dreams my mind can conjure tonight . .
its good u looking forwrd to swimming.
with love
x

Akelamalu said...

Here we can a prescription from the doctor for 'exercise on referral' for three months which means you have full use of leisure facilities i.e. swimming, gym, exercise classes free. Check with your doctor if it is on offer in your area. If you can't get that you should still be able to get free or reduced rate swimming if you're on benefits -check it out.

Fractalmom said...

I used to like swimming, years ago. Oddly enough, I was born and raised almost next door to the Kennedy family and took swimming lessons with Caroline and John Jr. LOL. I didn't like either one of them.

Now, my exercise is running up and down stairs after the three grandchildren, doing laundry, running the hoover...the usual things.

I have thought about perhaps walking. but, having lung disease, I just don't know if I can hang. LOL. Still, exercise is exercise isn't it? No one says I have to marathon walk, or fast walk, or even long walk. I can just decide to saunter along, looking at spring flowers and the odd dog or whatever. I like watching weird people, but that would involve actually driving somewhere and sitting, I don't think I want to do that. LOL

Anna Grace said...

I'm glad I inspried you to go swimming. It is very relaxing. I did my water aerobics lastnight, and afterwards I was feeling great. Plus you don't even notice your sweating in the water.

I lived through my Oxy experince. I used forty mgs and now I'm not going to use again until forty eight hours from when I put the rig in my hand. I got so high I itched till I bled. For some reason when I get high I itch really badly. I think most people do.

I don't even want to use again today. I was so out of it yesterday that it was sorta disgusting. I couldn't care for myself. Plus I vomited like 10 times.

I don't think I'm going to share this on my blog. My family reads it, and I don't want them to know I used again.

Hope you have fun swimming.
xxx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Swimming is fun, but I am currently too vain to be seen in a damn swimsuit. Not too vain to lose the weight, though, mind you.

Love you!

bugerlugs63 said...

ditto sb.
I wont buy another swim suit, I want to fit in my pre-drought one, and probably wont until i have done some swimming first!
Swimming was the only sport i enjoyed and was good at in school. I hated the atmosphere at the baths, i felt i couldn't breathe,the noise was weird, screams amplfied, i imagined endless horrors that could happen(anxious child)but i swam well.could never dive, it felt wrong, just could not do it, could u?

Baino said...

Defiitely the baggy ones, no budgie smugglers.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Swimming is the best exercise you can do. Go for it!

Gledwood said...

They're not "budgie smugglers"... well I don't think so. Never looked. They're not Speedos Baino. Anyway I'm wearing baggy ones except I think I may be too fat for the baggy ones. They're gonna look tight o this is so out of hand it's unreal...!

I'M GOING SWIMMING EITHER MONDAY OR TUESDAY ~ DEPENDS WHEN THE MONEY COMES!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood