IT IS A WARM AND SUNNY AFTERNOON. I just got Night at the Museum 1 & 2 on DVD for £5. Try and cheery myself up. I have taken no heroin today and don't intend to. I bought a litre of hazelnut flavour Baileys instead. I might go out and get some coffee to put the Baileys in. Coffee and Baileys is really good.Now I despair of ever feeling proper again. My friend Pinky says my moods are never normal, always up or down. She is probably right. They do go normal for a day or two but most of the time I feel noticably up or down. Of course I probably seem "normal" in anything bar an extreme extreme. Actually I don't know how I seem to others. Just thinking about that makes me paranoid.
I would spend ages down the park because fresh air is supposed to be good for you but it's just depressing. My Mum sent me a letter which is well meaning but talks about me getting chucked out on the street. (For not keeping my house in order.) I don't think she realizes I do know it would be more natural to be off meds and on the street. And it was WAY easier to live when it happened. No complications, that's for sure. I ate peanuts and corned beef and drank white cyder. I managed to do three days in a row on Valium and methadone with no heroin while I was homeless so homeless can't be that bad.
I have just collected my Mean Green Dull Machine (methadone). I'm on my way home. I'm not doing gear. Gear is a waste of time. Why was I taking it when it didn't work even when it was good. Buggerlugz said maybe it had sleepers in it, not to hit the spot but still make me unconscious. No what I meant was I felt the heroin in it, very heroiny. It stank of brown, too. It reeked when I cooked it up. There was brown in it. But it still doesn't make me happy so I give up.
Talking of giving up I really need to keep my drink in check. I'm not "drunk" by any stretch of the imagination. Or "a drunk". I just drink every day. Strangely I crave alcohol more in the morning than the evening. My evenings are mostly dry; my mornings aren't.
I should go to NA but can't face the thought of people laughing at me in there. I've turned up in some states and couldn't handle feeling boxed in by chairs, people sitting next to me, people looking at me etc etc. In other words I was paranoid. Now I feel depressed but am too paranoid to share it, in case someone finds it amusing.
Now I have to go I'll get cut off in a minute. I hope y'all are all right.
For Anna's prostitution in Hawaii blog post, click here.
9 comments:
Gleds,
If you get displaced, would your mother be able to help at all?
Love you.
SB
i drink every day as well, but am not sure where my line is yet, that threshhold you cross when all about you say (i.e. reinforcing the total objective reality of it) that you have moved from 'drink problem/reliance' to 'alcoholism'. it is a fine and at the same time blurred line. a lot of alco's i know cannot pinpoint what some call 'the slide' like it can be reduced to a sinlge day or hour. i would feel this is much the same for drug abusers too...
Thanks for the shout out to my blog post.
Did you ever get your broadband back yet? If you did, did you read that thing I sent you, or are you too depressed?
I swear the book is shit, and I'm very embarrassed that I sent it to you, or even wrote it for that matter. Oh well, you would have read it when I put it up for sale on my blog.
I hope you feel better soon. The Heroin isn't working because you Methadone dose it too high. That's the point of Heroin. Its for that, and to keep the cravings for Heroin at bay. That's what I was told by the doctor at my Methadone clinic anyway. Oh yes, Methadone blocks all the opiate receptors in your brain, leaving Heroin bouncing off the receptors not giving you that rush or that high you'd expected, plus Methadone stays in the system for up to forty eight hours, and no less than thiry two hours. I'm sure you already know this. Your the most intelligent person I know. Did I spell intelligent right?
Eleanor is humping all her toys. I think she's got sex on the brain. Its so cute, I took video of it. She so small, and after she's done humping the bear she growls at it and bites it really hard. I wish I could read her mind.
Much love
Anna Grace
I'm glad to hear you're not doing heroin Gleds. I have to say you sound saner at the moment.
sounds all very needlessly complex . . .I know I am an addict cus I cannot go without gear (even on methadone, which does NOT block receptors, or even occupy them like subbies) in fact, if I know i gotta score off a certain dealer "point one bags" a good ole glug of meth with the smoke just enhances it;-)
And I knew I was an alkie (pre-gear)cus I felt shit without a drink, only at night but I was still depending on alcohol to feel good, and now I still depending on Heroin to feel good. Is it not just as simple as that?
or maybe I over-simplify
life has enough complications
with love
x
Dont give up on NA. Only on Wed you had a hit so you haven't 'given up' at all. Who knows what's in that shit. And don't be lulled by your Indian Summer, being homeless in winter must be hell. Tidy your flat!
Hi, Gleds. Why do you think people would laugh at you in NA? Don't try and get through this alone - you need people who have been there. Love from Sicily xx woof!
gled can you email me personally armsare4hugging@hotmail.com its naomi xxx ps i need advice
You do sound good. Hope that you will stay away from heroin. Take care.
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