HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Mean Green Dull Machine

IT IS A WARM AND SUNNY AFTERNOON. I just got Night at the Museum 1 & 2 on DVD for £5. Try and cheery myself up. I have taken no heroin today and don't intend to. I bought a litre of hazelnut flavour Baileys instead. I might go out and get some coffee to put the Baileys in. Coffee and Baileys is really good.

Now I despair of ever feeling proper again. My friend Pinky says my moods are never normal, always up or down. She is probably right. They do go normal for a day or two but most of the time I feel noticably up or down. Of course I probably seem "normal" in anything bar an extreme extreme. Actually I don't know how I seem to others. Just thinking about that makes me paranoid.

I would spend ages down the park because fresh air is supposed to be good for you but it's just depressing. My Mum sent me a letter which is well meaning but talks about me getting chucked out on the street. (For not keeping my house in order.) I don't think she realizes I do know it would be more natural to be off meds and on the street. And it was WAY easier to live when it happened. No complications, that's for sure. I ate peanuts and corned beef and drank white cyder. I managed to do three days in a row on Valium and methadone with no heroin while I was homeless so homeless can't be that bad.

I have just collected my Mean Green Dull Machine (methadone). I'm on my way home. I'm not doing gear. Gear is a waste of time. Why was I taking it when it didn't work even when it was good. Buggerlugz said maybe it had sleepers in it, not to hit the spot but still make me unconscious. No what I meant was I felt the heroin in it, very heroiny. It stank of brown, too. It reeked when I cooked it up. There was brown in it. But it still doesn't make me happy so I give up.

Talking of giving up I really need to keep my drink in check. I'm not "drunk" by any stretch of the imagination. Or "a drunk". I just drink every day. Strangely I crave alcohol more in the morning than the evening. My evenings are mostly dry; my mornings aren't.

I should go to NA but can't face the thought of people laughing at me in there. I've turned up in some states and couldn't handle feeling boxed in by chairs, people sitting next to me, people looking at me etc etc. In other words I was paranoid. Now I feel depressed but am too paranoid to share it, in case someone finds it amusing.

Now I have to go I'll get cut off in a minute. I hope y'all are all right.


For Anna's prostitution in Hawaii blog post, click here.

9 comments:

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Gleds,
If you get displaced, would your mother be able to help at all?

Love you.

SB

Danny said...

i drink every day as well, but am not sure where my line is yet, that threshhold you cross when all about you say (i.e. reinforcing the total objective reality of it) that you have moved from 'drink problem/reliance' to 'alcoholism'. it is a fine and at the same time blurred line. a lot of alco's i know cannot pinpoint what some call 'the slide' like it can be reduced to a sinlge day or hour. i would feel this is much the same for drug abusers too...

Anna Grace said...

Thanks for the shout out to my blog post.

Did you ever get your broadband back yet? If you did, did you read that thing I sent you, or are you too depressed?

I swear the book is shit, and I'm very embarrassed that I sent it to you, or even wrote it for that matter. Oh well, you would have read it when I put it up for sale on my blog.

I hope you feel better soon. The Heroin isn't working because you Methadone dose it too high. That's the point of Heroin. Its for that, and to keep the cravings for Heroin at bay. That's what I was told by the doctor at my Methadone clinic anyway. Oh yes, Methadone blocks all the opiate receptors in your brain, leaving Heroin bouncing off the receptors not giving you that rush or that high you'd expected, plus Methadone stays in the system for up to forty eight hours, and no less than thiry two hours. I'm sure you already know this. Your the most intelligent person I know. Did I spell intelligent right?

Eleanor is humping all her toys. I think she's got sex on the brain. Its so cute, I took video of it. She so small, and after she's done humping the bear she growls at it and bites it really hard. I wish I could read her mind.

Much love
Anna Grace

Akelamalu said...

I'm glad to hear you're not doing heroin Gleds. I have to say you sound saner at the moment.

bugerlugs63 said...

sounds all very needlessly complex . . .I know I am an addict cus I cannot go without gear (even on methadone, which does NOT block receptors, or even occupy them like subbies) in fact, if I know i gotta score off a certain dealer "point one bags" a good ole glug of meth with the smoke just enhances it;-)
And I knew I was an alkie (pre-gear)cus I felt shit without a drink, only at night but I was still depending on alcohol to feel good, and now I still depending on Heroin to feel good. Is it not just as simple as that?
or maybe I over-simplify
life has enough complications
with love
x

Baino said...

Dont give up on NA. Only on Wed you had a hit so you haven't 'given up' at all. Who knows what's in that shit. And don't be lulled by your Indian Summer, being homeless in winter must be hell. Tidy your flat!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. Why do you think people would laugh at you in NA? Don't try and get through this alone - you need people who have been there. Love from Sicily xx woof!

naomi said...

gled can you email me personally armsare4hugging@hotmail.com its naomi xxx ps i need advice

Syd said...

You do sound good. Hope that you will stay away from heroin. Take care.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood