HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Furry Friends

FURRY FRIDAY ON SATURDAY: WALLABIES

Hello!

Baby wallabies are called joeys

ON YOUR MARKS, get set, GO!


Wallabies are furry friends

Wishing Y'all a
fURRY WEEKEND!



9 comments:

lizzydripping said...

hello furry friends!

Gledwood said...

i wannabe a wallabe... ha ha hee hee (speaking in rhymes, and i'm not manic today!) thanks for the link earlier that's really good. i was reading the q&a and isn't mental healthcare a MESS..!!

bugerlugs63 said...

re. comment under "delete" post

yes not only full moon, but something about it being closer to the earth than it has been for yonks (very scientifically accurate) its massive have u seen it?
re locals talking; yes as i said , white middle class market town, not much happens , but when it does, it gives them something to talk about. School gates are the worst place. frightening. I wont start on those stories else i really will be here all night. I was so releived when my lads were old enough to go alone. now i gotta start it all again with Hamper G. Self-righteous bitches, so confident in their superiority, gained by having their fucking hair "done" weekly, driving the family's second car 200 metres to the gates,and being wed to mr. mediocre, (who probably drinks every night but thats legal and he works (hard) for his money)and just generally being what they consider to be "proper grown up"
o the joy of it! I can't wait.
I got until september, who knows, anything could happen before then.
So just been and looked at the moon,defo diffo, I think Im bi-lunar, or maybe uni-lunar, as in at my best (slightly manic/over-optimistic/a tad deluded/blissfully ignorant with hints of euphoria) when at one with the moon, not necessarily when its full, i suppose it doesn't matter when,just as long as i'm one with it (more often than not it seems to be full though)
So im off to bed , as i was asleep then, spect ive said too much, im not gonna copy then i wont know until its too late. I have trouble shutting up (sometimes I cant say a word) I really am gone.
night night
x
ps.I like the wallaby fur

Janice said...

Oh wallabies are so cute. They look like very small kangaroos.

Janice~

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Gleds,
These are really, really cute.
:) j.

Gledwood said...

BUGGERLUGZ: bilunar? ok i see what you mean. I did check my moods against the moon being full and it doesn't line up with the peaks or troughs not really (possbly troughs definitely not peaks). Apparently "rapid cycling bipolar" means 4 or more ups or downs in any 12 months; ultrarapid cycling means mood swings lasting weeks; ultradian or ultraultra rapid cycling means mood swings within the same day. This all within the context of bipolar.

Those housewives sound terrble. They look down on you for being normal? Fucking hell.

OK maybe what I call normal and they call normal varies but fucking hell. I bet some of their grown up kids use heroin even if they don't know it!

JANCE: they're v small, aren't they!

TAFFETA: ;-)

Anna Grace said...

My computer wouldn't let me comment on your post today, so I'm commenting on it down here in yesterday's post.

I love that scean from Romeo and Juliet. If you just copied Shakespears sonnets I would still read your blog daily.

So your using Heroin, and telling me not to. I beleive that makes you a hippocrite. Yeah, yeah I know you have more experience than me as an addict, but your toppiing off your Methadone dose with Heroin. That's fucking dangerous. If you OD'ed I'd be devestated. Who would I send all my songs out to? Who would leave funny comments for me when I'm down? Who would comment on my blog? Who would I have a half a world away crush on?

I know your not suicidal, but your doing something very dangerous.

I need you around. So if your going to take Heroin get off the Methadone, if your going to take methadone get off the Heroin.

Much love intended. Much love to you.
Anna Grace

Gledwood said...

I don't want you to be an addict again thats why I said don't do it!

You know that!!!!

Yeah I reasoned myself out of taking it today. When the eventuality is not near it's easier not to do it. Also not having £20 just £10 it's easier as I have less choice of dealer... stupid things make it easier not to do it. Like it being night and knowing I'm gonna get this guys cousin on the phone who doesn't know me... all stupid stuff makes it easier not to :-)

Syd said...

They made me smile.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood