HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...


I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, March 18, 2011


I HAVE FOUND A NEW BLOG! SACRED INSANITY, "My story of addiction, loss, suicide, bipolar depression, abuse, love, hope, and life, not necessarily in that order." It's here: http://mysacredinsanity.blogspot.com

I feel weird it's past midnight and I've had a manic flash. I could really do with a fan so I can feel the wind in my hair as I rush. I want to go swimming while manic. That's my new ambition. To go manic swimming.

O I'm not going to go on about how I am y'all have heard it before and it'll bore y'all to hear it again. Suffice it to say my head is going a bit fast I feel good but kind of uncomfortable in that I'm MEANT TO BE GOING TO BED IN A SECOND and I don't think I'm gonna sleep. My body always knows it's late and that I ought to sleep. It lulls despite the mania and picks up noticably in the mid morning. Lulls towards evening picks up a bit at night if I don't sleep then on. If I do sleep I sleep very few hours, this includes on sleeping pills.

My head is lit up with imagery again I see golden ants circling in formation a perfectly sawn off treestump. Freshly sawn. If I tried, I could count the rings but my eyes are open. Oh it's gone. I now see curtains in a theatre with abstract lights shone on.

I am going out for a walk. Wish me luck. Here's stuff I keyed in earlier:~~

And here's another blog: Clean & Crazy http://surrendertowin.blogspot.com

Hey I've just found a write up of my personality. My personality now...
It's here, bulletpointed: http://lifestyle.iloveindia.com/lounge/schizoaffective-disorder-10088.html

Jobs you can do with schizoaffective disorder: links


0021 ps music sounds SUBLIME! TRY LISTENING TO THIS:~~~~~~~
Barber's adagio for strings, Ferry Corsten trance version (William Orbit)



the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

You still are who you are no matter what diagnosis you're tagged with.
The label should not hinder individualism.

bugerlugs63 said...

hi, could n't post yesterday as to how my day was, cus it wasn't. I had one of those (fortunately quite rare) stare at the walls day.
yuk. nothing sank in. only the real important stuff. like feeding Hamper G. I was meant to go clinic and pick up my script and i knew this but i didn't care, and i tried to care and tried to realise this would land me in some big trouble as the drug workers only come to this town once a week, but it would not sink in. NOthing would. Thick fog with no way through. I felt slightly better last night.but have woken in a fog again. not as bad as yesterday but not good. I am so worried of feeling like this on monday and not getting Hamper G to see her dad. I need some slight mania to get me through that one, like you say, a slide control behind the ear would be just fine ;-)
gotta go Hamper on the want
much love

bugerlugs63 said...

ps. listened to barbers adagio for strings, yes sublime indeed, will get stroppy to put it through his speakers for me later, probably just a case of wire from laptop to stereo, but which wire and which holes would baffle me, also checked out sacred insanity, made me want to read back log, beautiful. I dont know how people have time to follow so many blogs. I scarecly have time to read yours some days. Saying that, yesterday i had time, as i did nothing all day, but didn't have the inclination.I still keep finding myself staring into space, with no thought. I wonder if u will go swimming. I should go. Hamper G would love it. Her dad took her and he's on crutches with his knees missing/mangled, but he had no concerns about what people thought. and i worry about a bit of fat on my stomach. stupid girl.really i need to sort myself out. sorry, this was a ps, and im off on one again. I gonna go and give myself a good talking to. . .

CockaDoodleDoo said...


Please read your lycos email, from Hambonia.




Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood