HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Broadband

HEY I GOT MY BROADBAND BACK! So I can read your book, Anna! And I can answer your blogs, y'all.

I've been pretty down as you all might know. Not drowning in depression but up to my neck. And I can't climb out. I'm still sleeping twelve hours' straight and that's without the wonders of valium (thank you Valium Marilyn).

I decided to give up drinking cold on Saturday night. so I drank nothing at all yesterday. In the evening I had a Valium as benzos are given in drying-out clinics to alleviate alcohol withdrawals ~ anything from craving to the shakes to fullblown DTs are treate by benodiazepines. I think the one they usually use is Librium because that is metabolized without passing through the liver, unlike Valium which is. The liver of course is compromised in nearly all heavy drinkers so librium is given in preference. But it's not as strong as Valium. Whoever wrote those benzo equivalence tables needs their head testing. Same as the person who assumed that an extra £10 a day street heroin usage on top of say a 50mg methadone script, will be adequately provided for by 10mg oral methadone. And they don't even take into account the enormous difference in bioavailability (the amount of drug actually hitting the brain copared to the amount taken) between IVing gear the way I do, compared to incinerating it on the end of a crackpipe. I know the crackhead method barely touches those who use it. I used to share a house (a crackhouse) with crackheads who smoked their heroin in this way and I never once saw them look even mildly intoxicated on heroin. Their habits were purely psychological. One day Matran (the rat man) was acting like a real baby crying sick. Dealer eventually comes by, he puts about 50p worth of heroin on the crack pipe and is saying "yeah man that's it whoeah!" etc etc 50p worth of gear. Then there's me hitting up £10 bags whole for breakfast, lunch and dinner (and ideally one for the middle of the night). This heroin was going straight in my veins and my habit was such it usually just straightened me out (in the nicest possible way). Yet the clinic was prescribing to both of us as if our habits were the same. The idiots. I want off this methadone rubbish as quickly as possible.

I blew some money on gear this morning. I had two hits of 0.4g each and they barely touched me. The drought is still raging. The guy who bought the second lot (because it was from our local guy I don't bother dealing with) said it was "really good" man it was as average as average can be. I'm so unimpressed by other people's abysmally low standards and I don't like thinking of myself as fussy. I'm not fusssy, I just have standards.

And I only used because I was so miserable I couldn't think of what else to do.

I HAD to go to the laundrette because I'm booked into an antidrugs course tomorrow that is said to be revolutionary but I couldn't face this ordeal of clothes washing. The last couple of times I went into that place (between just washing my own clothes myself in the sink) I was paranoid, manic, psychotic and hearing voices and everybody seemed to be staring at me. This time, at least, it was calm and I read a Jehovah's Witness magazine about what I'd call Arabian Donkeys (racehorses). And my clothes slowly went through their cycles.

Then I went down town to buy this 3-month broadband stick and saw The Wire season one ~ 775 mins of DVD entertainment ~ for £22 so I thought fuck buying more drugs or drink and I got a bigger thrill watching the American police surveilling Baltimore drug dealers.

I don't know what I'm going to do about this no drinking. Alcohol has me in its grip more tightly than I'd care to admit. I calculated my drink intake. It's no more than 3 cans a day and these are usually cherry Fizz cyder, which is 4.5% ABV. So I'm drinking 1.5 litres a day, which is just over 6.5 units. If you add it up and factor in the days I only drink two so that's about 40 units max a week. The government's recommended maximum is 28 units per week for a man, 21 units for a woman. A unit is 10mls neat alcohol so it's easy to calculate how many you're drinking once you know how.

I bought soluble orange flavour multivitamins this morning, £4.50 for 20. They're intensely orangey and actually make a good alternative to my orangey cyder coctails I drink when I'm not on cherry flavour. The soft drink quotient is supposed to help wean me off, but it tastes so yummy some days I just wanna drink more!

I'm off to Narcotics Anonymous later. And I'm doing the whole meeting. Because I'm not manic, just depressed, I have ten times the attention span I had during my mania-induced antidrugs crusade. That is I am going to NA if I can tear myselfaway from The Wire. It is fairy addictive. I hope y'all are having a nice day. Take care y'all...

6 comments:

Akelamalu said...

I hope the anti-drugs course does the trick and the NA meeting too Gleds. I have to say you sound much more together now.

Gledwood said...

Isn't it weird depression makes me far more mentally "well" than being manic. And yet I feel my true self when manic. I know I was mentally ill ~ my brains were all over the place... I'm putting great hopes in this course, it's meant to be really really good.

Tori said...

Wait did you use today? I hope not I always worry about you. I am a little confused. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness so out of curiosity what did you think about the magazine? My mom still is but I left when I was about 18 - really 16 but I kept going for a bit longer.

My son was trying to get off of H since he relapsed but then started drinking till he would black out. Mainly because it was a similiar high I guess but won't be detected in drug tests. I don't know Gledwood, part of me is hoping that he will test dirty and they will put him in rehab for longer this time. He keeps trying so hard but he just can't seem to get off of it. It hasn't been that long but I know as time goes on it will be harder and harder.

Please let me know about this program you are doing I am very interested in your take of how it is and if you think it helps and I am wondering if it is located around me?

Take care I always think about you.
Tori

Anna Grace said...

I like that "Heroin wiped away my tears for ten years". Did you make that up, or did you read that somewhere.
Since I started back up on H, and when I can't find anything for a while I start to cry at the most inappropiate times.

Now I'm just going to ramble on nonsence.

I am my own parisite, I don't need a host to live, we feed of eachother we can share our endophines.

Left wing broken wing, look on bright side suicide, on the dark side I'm on your side.

I own my own pet virus, I get to pet and name her.

Its a good thing your going down on your alchol intake. Your liver is probably shot. Mine too from Hep C. We have something in common in our bodies.

It sucks I don't even have my dad's pecocets here to take the edge off. Geldwood, I'm slowly dieing, and suffering. I want it to all end faster. Since Jesus don't want me for sunbeam, where will I go?

Sorry to put this all on your comments. I should have just emailed you a bunch of pointless rambelings.

Liz said...

I've heard The Wire is good but West Wing is brilliant! Just a suggestion.

Gledwood said...

TORI: hi I'm writing this a week later. I did try the course but didn't fit into it that well. I felt old and jaded compared to the other clients and my reason for using "because life is shit" didn't seem acceptable. I was meant to say "because the drugs feel good" but that's not the true reason why I choose heroin to use: life feels far more bearable on heroin than not on it but it's not a high I'm after so much as a lack of a low. When I felt high anyway on a manic episode I felt strongly antidrugs: why would I need to use heroin when I felt wonderful anyway? I did use quite a few days in the past week basically because I felt lousy without it and my methadone just does not address my mood issues

ANNA: no that heroin wiped away my tears for ten years is wording all of my very own!

It's not pointless ramblings. I'm glad you felt better later on in the week than when you sent this. I didn't get these comments till today as I didn't realize they'd been left, sorry everyone.

LIZ: I never got into the West Wing but The Wire had me rivetted as it was about drug distribution!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood