I didn't go to the antidrugs course again because I wasn't impressed with it. I felt alienated as the most miserable person in the room. I had to keep acting all perky when I didn't feel it. And I didn't feel anybody in there used for the same reasons as me. Main reason I didn't go was my clothes are all dirty and I didn't want to sit in close proximity with anyone all reeking. Didn't want to sit in close proximity with anyone anyhow.
Tomorrow I have an appointment at the druggieclinic at 10am. I'm not looking forward to the hassle of going.
Dealer #1 was off today so I scored off the old dealer who used to have good gear but it was so lousy it kept blocking the works. I knew it was crap as soon as I opened it. Nearly half a gram for £17, which there's no way you'd get nowadays. Gear is really expensive now so the bags are tiny but good or big but terrible. I got big and terrible.
After that I regretted buying it at all. I'd already slept my 18 hours when I scored by the way so my sleep was not chemically induced. It was just natural hypersomnia.
I wish I could say I was going not to use tomorrow but I have no sticktoitiveness any more. I only gave up before because my mood was so disturbed shooting high and low that I felt in a different world. Now it's just down down down with no ups at all. I had at least 6 highs and 6 lows in 12 weeks when I was "cycling" now I'm just down down. I don't think it is severe depression it is moderate depression.
I looked it up and that seemed to be what it was. The mania I got went into "severe with psychotic features" the highest you can get, which scares me because as far as I know most people with bipolar problems get high and low in equal proportion. You can read the write up here.
http://www.mentalhealth.com/icd/p22-md02.html
It's the ICD-10 criteria as used in Europe. Much easier to follow than the American DSM IV.
I don't know of any cure for depression except exercise. Stuff like eating vegetables is hardly going to do much when I'm in the grip of an episode already. I know I shouldn't drink but I get a real buzz out of it now. I shoot the drink back quickly, just one half litre can of 7.5% vol, and I do get a high. I noticed today a low about an hour later so maybe there is some truth in "alcohol is a depressant".
It's really hot. Hot for London. About 25C which is around 75F. I am not enjoying the weather at all. Firstly because I'm a dope fiend and heroin addicts loathe hot weather. Second because it just feels depressing. I like to be wrapped up in layers of clothing which I can't do these days.
There's not much else to say. I think I get paid by the DSS tomorrow because it's Easter. I hate easter. It's like Christmas but with horrible weather and less enchanting imagery. Also the Pope seems to figure more prominently in Easter and I find the Pope a real turn off. How the hell that man gets away titling himself "Your Holiness" I will never understand.
Well I hope y'all have a good one. Easter that is. To anyone who believes in that pagan crap. I do believe Jesus kept the Passover, not Easter. Anyway I'm off take care everyone.
15 comments:
I just dropped by to say I really like your blog, your writing. You have a way with words. I find myself listening to the words you write, your reflections, and have found myself reflecting on them, so there is something in them for me, which I like. So many images they have conjured up for me. I learn from you, and I appreciate that. I like your hamster talk also. It makes me want to have one. All the best, Paul
thanks :-)
I have tried to post 3 times now (my usual ridiculous long comments) and it aint working so I gonna try this first . . Im getting paranoid x
well would u beleive it? it worked I have wrote 3 x the same thing (almost) copied it, lost signal, pasted it . .blank box grrrr!!
might have to send it in bits in between signal (still sneaking some one elses as no money on dongle)but I gonna have to guess when signal going?
It was to say I wish u would go on my drug therapy course for 2 weeks and c how u feel after that, but u need someone to help u start (I think) maybe not . . .maybe cyber advice will work, I not in any way preaching or saying I know best, far from it, I still using, but I do feel ok & enjoy the weather (despite depression) and a chronic phobia of something that occurs outdoors.and surely anything gotta be worth a try?? . . (contd) x
I do have to force myself outside, and I mean force, some days r terrifying. I wish I could tell u why, but this is for all to read, and I cant risk that.
But I go and do the garden, earth and plants work wonders (growing things) hey hows Colin (was it colin? in hospital from flower spike removal) has he been discharged? ok so plant & grow
work physically outdoors. I know it sounds simple and boring old bullshit and it is when someone suggests it, but pretend u suggested it yourself ;-) and try it . .contd. Can u find and old lady with a wild garden for u to sort out? course u can ;-)
man, U could even dig a little pond (dont have to be big (or one above ground) and get some fish in it to watch, then a pump and a stream . . .(no I've not had a smoke)
Then go to a market and wait till they chucking all fruit at end of day and grab itr, heaps of goodness in that, cook one big curry for the week (£10 at most)
one nite do rice, then naan, chapati 4 variation. NO goodness in frozen curry, U know this, I feel like I insulting your intelligence even suggesting these things, but u prob not reading by now if thats the case, so I will continue, just in case ;-)
word verify was vidnulu. . .so maybe vindaloo . . clear out all those cherry cider flavour toxins.
Layers . . there must be some little india near u . .we got great shops in leicester for all things indian . .cheap spices and all that needed. . .plus LAYERS
their clothes r brill 4 hot modesty (or track covering) protecting clothes, lots of long, light, muslin layers, beautiful, colour or not . . .u feel wrapped & secure & covered but cool and free and yummy (and I know u give not a shit what any other thinketh so please go get some . . u will love them promise, and so easy to wash & dry, sod your hair just let that grow wild, its good food, water proper clo band gear u need, yes gear . .(contd0
that meant to say and gear not band gear I rushing making most of quiet time (very rare)
word verify was sququa (kinda squaw)
so get advice off indian woman on market re clothes, before u come home in a sari ;-)
ankle bells very nice they do lovely cheap tinkly jewelry.
so gear. moderation.
I think u, like i, and many others need it as medication for now.
U have remeinded your body thats what works so of course it gonna want & need it . . I know its hard to wait all day, i could happily text my man now, he 2 mins away (althogh that can take 5 hrs) I got the money . . but no . .just a little self discipline is needed somewhere . .tiny bit? if u keep going through the day u be surprised how fast (sometimes);-) it can go, especially if u busy, and u feel u deserve that one later on . . no?
It is hard to start any new routine, which is y if u had someone there to go and get these things with & cook with , not a partner just a good friend, once u get into the swing of it, it becomes easier . . X
I gonna stop for now, as one of cubs hungry, the 3 legged pup is great . . he so brave and the most forward of them all (gotta keep him) I really hope u dont mind suggestions (like I said u wont read if u do) so I leave it at that for now. I will pray someone will come along and help with this . and when (not if) they do, please let them in ;-)
water,fruit,cooking, lunghi (not sure how spelt but male indian layers, or female, up to u?)
digging(soil!) planting, growing . . .just choose one for today . .o yeah and gear . .well choose 1 +gear
only trying to help
will pray . .
have a good un
love
x
ps.
yeah happy ressurection!
and the pope , yes pure evil,
sometimes satan comes as a man of peace
x
The new pope is certainly not as heart warming to me as John Paul. He seemed to have real serenity. I am not catholic and liked him. I am not an Easter fan either nor a religious fanatic. In fact, no religion at all. I like the spiritual side of things and Ms. Moon's Church of the Batshit Crazy.
this is fun!
Wow, a shit ton of comments you got here. Mine is boring. I only wish I had a big bag of terriable H, although a small bag of potent H would be even better. Just think of how lucky you are compared to me. I'm an addict with bi polar with sever depression. I can't ahold of any H without going to Chicago. I don't know any of the dealers in Chicago anymore. I would have to go down with my connection in Green Bay, and who knows if the Chicago connection would take me on. I have tracks and they usually check for tracks before they sell you any.
YOu on the other hand can score while depressed moderatly. Maybe I've over stated my depression, but its bad, as I'm sure yours is.
All I want is this addiction and depression to go away. Can't we all get what we want? Why God?
Anna
BUGGERLUGZ: you need to highlight and save comments in case it does that annoying thing where you click it in and it loses the fucking thing
i should go down the park i know maybe i will, i will go down sainsburys and get cold roast chicken thighs for £1.99 then i'll check my dealer isn't on because he will only meet me by the shops i live too far out. this is my proper dealer, all the other ones are halfarsed these days which is fucking depressing
help? i know other people who are forced into courses and groups but they dont do that with me as i'm a nutter now. i think thats the reason. when i was ill i just wouldn't have been able to follow anything like that; now i feel alienated because i go in all depressed and everyone else thinks they're depressed but they're just drug addicts. the difference between me as a nutterjunkie and them as simple drug addicts is now clear. they're ok when they take methadone, i'm not i'm just as much in a mess even when i steer clear of gear for weeks on end and limit drinking to 2 cans (so i'm not drunk all day either) i'm totally straight and my life is just as fucked up as before. basically because although the drugs didn't help it was the other stuff causing the problems, the mood problems and the schizzyshit
un4tunately i can't dig a pond: no garden to dig it in and landlord would go crazy. i can't really keep fish as i'm in emergency accommodation and could get moved at any time and fish are hard to move also we still have cockroaches here just not too badly and the roach killer is ultra toxic to fish, i've sprayed it everywhere and i'm sure it got into my fishtanks. i found a tank on the street which i'm saving for when i next get hammies
i would like to do cooking but i have literally no clean washing up the washing up has been dirty for months on end stashed dirty in the cupboards, it's that bad. when i was manic i had a shower full of washing up and had to shower standing next to saucepans that had weeks old stuck on soggy crap in them, it get into absolute chaos here that is why the man wants me to move to a mental health disordered house where you get more support the only positive thing i actually do is this blog everything else is just chaos
3-legged pup? really. you must have told me about that before i'm sorry it should have registered i always think i'm ok but my attn. span is all over the place. i just think its good now bc it's way better than when i was manic ha ha
i wish i could get some mania back, it's the only time (apart from childhood) i've ever truly felt happy....
:-)
SYD: I don't like either pope. I could never understand how John Paul II could be described as "charismatic". Maybe by popely standards but certainly not normal ones
ADDICT: entertainment's what it's all about!!
ANNA: addiction you took that away yourself you got 100% clean on nothing no meds nothing. Don't you see how amazing that is? I have NEVER done that ever since I first got a habit I have been on heroin/methadone constantly.
I found some link about Chicago saying it was still sold on corners even in 2003 (it was about that old) they said the black areas had Colombian heroin; the hispanics sold tar. They said mostly older customers went for the tar I suppose because you can't snort that and a lot of youngsters snort.
My track marks have really faded I have vague ones on my hands and some scars on my arms but it's my legs where the real marks are you can see lines like zips (that's zippers in America) going up both legs where I've banged it in so much. Now I'm fucked really I'd have to go femoral to be guaranteed of a vein every time and the thought of doing that makes me feel sick
anyway i'm on a clean vibe today, much less depressed and i hope it doesn't come back this evening but so far i'm pretty all right i hope you are too
and i hope that connexion actually comes through with what they promised you
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