IT'S 0013 hours. I'm up so late because I slept at least 14 hours last night then went to bed at midday and slept another 4 so that's 18 hours' sleep. I'm trying to keep track of it. I had more physical energy today because I slept, I think.
I didn't go to the antidrugs course again because I wasn't impressed with it. I felt alienated as the most miserable person in the room. I had to keep acting all perky when I didn't feel it. And I didn't feel anybody in there used for the same reasons as me.
Main reason I didn't go was my clothes are all dirty and I didn't want to sit in close proximity with anyone all reeking. Didn't want to sit in close proximity with anyone anyhow.
Tomorrow I have an appointment at the druggieclinic at 10am. I'm not looking forward to the hassle of going.
Dealer #1 was off today so I scored off the old dealer who used to have good gear but it was so lousy it kept blocking the works. I knew it was crap as soon as I opened it. Nearly half a gram for £17, which there's no way you'd get nowadays. Gear is really expensive now so the bags are tiny but good or big but terrible. I got big and terrible.
After that I regretted buying it at all. I'd already slept my 18 hours when I scored by the way so my sleep was not chemically induced. It was just natural hypersomnia.
I wish I could say I was going not to use tomorrow but I have no sticktoitiveness any more. I only gave up before because my mood was so disturbed shooting high and low that I felt in a different world. Now it's just down down down with no ups at all. I had at least 6 highs and 6 lows in 12 weeks when I was "cycling" now I'm just down down. I don't think it is severe depression it is moderate depression.
I looked it up and that seemed to be what it was. The mania I got went into "severe with psychotic features" the highest you can get, which scares me because as far as I know most people with bipolar problems get high and low in equal proportion. You can read the write up here.
It's the ICD-10 criteria as used in Europe. Much easier to follow than the American DSM IV.
I don't know of any cure for depression except exercise. Stuff like eating vegetables is hardly going to do much when I'm in the grip of an episode already. I know I shouldn't drink but I get a real buzz out of it now. I shoot the drink back quickly, just one half litre can of 7.5% vol, and I do get a high. I noticed today a low about an hour later so maybe there is some truth in "alcohol is a depressant".
It's really hot. Hot for London. About 25C which is around 75F. I am not enjoying the weather at all. Firstly because I'm a dope fiend and heroin addicts loathe hot weather. Second because it just feels depressing. I like to be wrapped up in layers of clothing which I can't do these days.
There's not much else to say. I think I get paid by the DSS tomorrow because it's Easter. I hate easter. It's like Christmas but with horrible weather and less enchanting imagery. Also the Pope seems to figure more prominently in Easter and I find the Pope a real turn off. How the hell that man gets away titling himself "Your Holiness" I will never understand.
Well I hope y'all have a good one. Easter that is. To anyone who believes in that pagan crap. I do believe Jesus kept the Passover, not Easter. Anyway I'm off take care everyone.
It was Christmas eve in a war zone - I just about managed to rise this morning but shining is still a long way off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I had my usual stress dream last night....
19 hours ago