HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

18 hours' sleep

IT'S 0013 hours. I'm up so late because I slept at least 14 hours last night then went to bed at midday and slept another 4 so that's 18 hours' sleep. I'm trying to keep track of it. I had more physical energy today because I slept, I think.

I didn't go to the antidrugs course again because I wasn't impressed with it. I felt alienated as the most miserable person in the room. I had to keep acting all perky when I didn't feel it. And I didn't feel anybody in there used for the same reasons as me.

Main reason I didn't go was my clothes are all dirty and I didn't want to sit in close proximity with anyone all reeking. Didn't want to sit in close proximity with anyone anyhow.

Tomorrow I have an appointment at the druggieclinic at 10am. I'm not looking forward to the hassle of going.

Dealer #1 was off today so I scored off the old dealer who used to have good gear but it was so lousy it kept blocking the works. I knew it was crap as soon as I opened it. Nearly half a gram for £17, which there's no way you'd get nowadays. Gear is really expensive now so the bags are tiny but good or big but terrible. I got big and terrible.

After that I regretted buying it at all. I'd already slept my 18 hours when I scored by the way so my sleep was not chemically induced. It was just natural hypersomnia.

I wish I could say I was going not to use tomorrow but I have no sticktoitiveness any more. I only gave up before because my mood was so disturbed shooting high and low that I felt in a different world. Now it's just down down down with no ups at all. I had at least 6 highs and 6 lows in 12 weeks when I was "cycling" now I'm just down down. I don't think it is severe depression it is moderate depression.

I looked it up and that seemed to be what it was. The mania I got went into "severe with psychotic features" the highest you can get, which scares me because as far as I know most people with bipolar problems get high and low in equal proportion. You can read the write up here.
It's the ICD-10 criteria as used in Europe. Much easier to follow than the American DSM IV.

I don't know of any cure for depression except exercise. Stuff like eating vegetables is hardly going to do much when I'm in the grip of an episode already. I know I shouldn't drink but I get a real buzz out of it now. I shoot the drink back quickly, just one half litre can of 7.5% vol, and I do get a high. I noticed today a low about an hour later so maybe there is some truth in "alcohol is a depressant".

It's really hot. Hot for London. About 25C which is around 75F. I am not enjoying the weather at all. Firstly because I'm a dope fiend and heroin addicts loathe hot weather. Second because it just feels depressing. I like to be wrapped up in layers of clothing which I can't do these days.

There's not much else to say. I think I get paid by the DSS tomorrow because it's Easter. I hate easter. It's like Christmas but with horrible weather and less enchanting imagery. Also the Pope seems to figure more prominently in Easter and I find the Pope a real turn off. How the hell that man gets away titling himself "Your Holiness" I will never understand.

Well I hope y'all have a good one. Easter that is. To anyone who believes in that pagan crap. I do believe Jesus kept the Passover, not Easter. Anyway I'm off take care everyone.


Spindrift said...

I just dropped by to say I really like your blog, your writing. You have a way with words. I find myself listening to the words you write, your reflections, and have found myself reflecting on them, so there is something in them for me, which I like. So many images they have conjured up for me. I learn from you, and I appreciate that. I like your hamster talk also. It makes me want to have one. All the best, Paul

Gledwood said...

thanks :-)

bugerlugs63 said...

I have tried to post 3 times now (my usual ridiculous long comments) and it aint working so I gonna try this first . . Im getting paranoid x

bugerlugs63 said...

well would u beleive it? it worked I have wrote 3 x the same thing (almost) copied it, lost signal, pasted it . .blank box grrrr!!
might have to send it in bits in between signal (still sneaking some one elses as no money on dongle)but I gonna have to guess when signal going?
It was to say I wish u would go on my drug therapy course for 2 weeks and c how u feel after that, but u need someone to help u start (I think) maybe not . . .maybe cyber advice will work, I not in any way preaching or saying I know best, far from it, I still using, but I do feel ok & enjoy the weather (despite depression) and a chronic phobia of something that occurs outdoors.and surely anything gotta be worth a try?? . . (contd) x

bugerlugs63 said...

I do have to force myself outside, and I mean force, some days r terrifying. I wish I could tell u why, but this is for all to read, and I cant risk that.
But I go and do the garden, earth and plants work wonders (growing things) hey hows Colin (was it colin? in hospital from flower spike removal) has he been discharged? ok so plant & grow
work physically outdoors. I know it sounds simple and boring old bullshit and it is when someone suggests it, but pretend u suggested it yourself ;-) and try it . .contd. Can u find and old lady with a wild garden for u to sort out? course u can ;-)

bugerlugs63 said...

man, U could even dig a little pond (dont have to be big (or one above ground) and get some fish in it to watch, then a pump and a stream . . .(no I've not had a smoke)
Then go to a market and wait till they chucking all fruit at end of day and grab itr, heaps of goodness in that, cook one big curry for the week (£10 at most)
one nite do rice, then naan, chapati 4 variation. NO goodness in frozen curry, U know this, I feel like I insulting your intelligence even suggesting these things, but u prob not reading by now if thats the case, so I will continue, just in case ;-)

bugerlugs63 said...

word verify was vidnulu. . .so maybe vindaloo . . clear out all those cherry cider flavour toxins.
Layers . . there must be some little india near u . .we got great shops in leicester for all things indian . .cheap spices and all that needed. . .plus LAYERS
their clothes r brill 4 hot modesty (or track covering) protecting clothes, lots of long, light, muslin layers, beautiful, colour or not . . .u feel wrapped & secure & covered but cool and free and yummy (and I know u give not a shit what any other thinketh so please go get some . . u will love them promise, and so easy to wash & dry, sod your hair just let that grow wild, its good food, water proper clo band gear u need, yes gear . .(contd0

bugerlugs63 said...

that meant to say and gear not band gear I rushing making most of quiet time (very rare)
word verify was sququa (kinda squaw)
so get advice off indian woman on market re clothes, before u come home in a sari ;-)
ankle bells very nice they do lovely cheap tinkly jewelry.
so gear. moderation.
I think u, like i, and many others need it as medication for now.
U have remeinded your body thats what works so of course it gonna want & need it . . I know its hard to wait all day, i could happily text my man now, he 2 mins away (althogh that can take 5 hrs) I got the money . . but no . .just a little self discipline is needed somewhere . .tiny bit? if u keep going through the day u be surprised how fast (sometimes);-) it can go, especially if u busy, and u feel u deserve that one later on . . no?
It is hard to start any new routine, which is y if u had someone there to go and get these things with & cook with , not a partner just a good friend, once u get into the swing of it, it becomes easier . . X

bugerlugs63 said...

I gonna stop for now, as one of cubs hungry, the 3 legged pup is great . . he so brave and the most forward of them all (gotta keep him) I really hope u dont mind suggestions (like I said u wont read if u do) so I leave it at that for now. I will pray someone will come along and help with this . and when (not if) they do, please let them in ;-)
water,fruit,cooking, lunghi (not sure how spelt but male indian layers, or female, up to u?)
digging(soil!) planting, growing . . .just choose one for today . .o yeah and gear . .well choose 1 +gear
only trying to help
will pray . .
have a good un

bugerlugs63 said...

yeah happy ressurection!
and the pope , yes pure evil,
sometimes satan comes as a man of peace

Syd said...

The new pope is certainly not as heart warming to me as John Paul. He seemed to have real serenity. I am not catholic and liked him. I am not an Easter fan either nor a religious fanatic. In fact, no religion at all. I like the spiritual side of things and Ms. Moon's Church of the Batshit Crazy.

the addict said...

this is fun!

Anonymous said...

Wow, a shit ton of comments you got here. Mine is boring. I only wish I had a big bag of terriable H, although a small bag of potent H would be even better. Just think of how lucky you are compared to me. I'm an addict with bi polar with sever depression. I can't ahold of any H without going to Chicago. I don't know any of the dealers in Chicago anymore. I would have to go down with my connection in Green Bay, and who knows if the Chicago connection would take me on. I have tracks and they usually check for tracks before they sell you any.

YOu on the other hand can score while depressed moderatly. Maybe I've over stated my depression, but its bad, as I'm sure yours is.

All I want is this addiction and depression to go away. Can't we all get what we want? Why God?

Gledwood said...

BUGGERLUGZ: you need to highlight and save comments in case it does that annoying thing where you click it in and it loses the fucking thing

i should go down the park i know maybe i will, i will go down sainsburys and get cold roast chicken thighs for £1.99 then i'll check my dealer isn't on because he will only meet me by the shops i live too far out. this is my proper dealer, all the other ones are halfarsed these days which is fucking depressing

help? i know other people who are forced into courses and groups but they dont do that with me as i'm a nutter now. i think thats the reason. when i was ill i just wouldn't have been able to follow anything like that; now i feel alienated because i go in all depressed and everyone else thinks they're depressed but they're just drug addicts. the difference between me as a nutterjunkie and them as simple drug addicts is now clear. they're ok when they take methadone, i'm not i'm just as much in a mess even when i steer clear of gear for weeks on end and limit drinking to 2 cans (so i'm not drunk all day either) i'm totally straight and my life is just as fucked up as before. basically because although the drugs didn't help it was the other stuff causing the problems, the mood problems and the schizzyshit

un4tunately i can't dig a pond: no garden to dig it in and landlord would go crazy. i can't really keep fish as i'm in emergency accommodation and could get moved at any time and fish are hard to move also we still have cockroaches here just not too badly and the roach killer is ultra toxic to fish, i've sprayed it everywhere and i'm sure it got into my fishtanks. i found a tank on the street which i'm saving for when i next get hammies

i would like to do cooking but i have literally no clean washing up the washing up has been dirty for months on end stashed dirty in the cupboards, it's that bad. when i was manic i had a shower full of washing up and had to shower standing next to saucepans that had weeks old stuck on soggy crap in them, it get into absolute chaos here that is why the man wants me to move to a mental health disordered house where you get more support the only positive thing i actually do is this blog everything else is just chaos

3-legged pup? really. you must have told me about that before i'm sorry it should have registered i always think i'm ok but my attn. span is all over the place. i just think its good now bc it's way better than when i was manic ha ha

i wish i could get some mania back, it's the only time (apart from childhood) i've ever truly felt happy....


Gledwood said...

SYD: I don't like either pope. I could never understand how John Paul II could be described as "charismatic". Maybe by popely standards but certainly not normal ones

ADDICT: entertainment's what it's all about!!

ANNA: addiction you took that away yourself you got 100% clean on nothing no meds nothing. Don't you see how amazing that is? I have NEVER done that ever since I first got a habit I have been on heroin/methadone constantly.

I found some link about Chicago saying it was still sold on corners even in 2003 (it was about that old) they said the black areas had Colombian heroin; the hispanics sold tar. They said mostly older customers went for the tar I suppose because you can't snort that and a lot of youngsters snort.

My track marks have really faded I have vague ones on my hands and some scars on my arms but it's my legs where the real marks are you can see lines like zips (that's zippers in America) going up both legs where I've banged it in so much. Now I'm fucked really I'd have to go femoral to be guaranteed of a vein every time and the thought of doing that makes me feel sick

anyway i'm on a clean vibe today, much less depressed and i hope it doesn't come back this evening but so far i'm pretty all right i hope you are too

and i hope that connexion actually comes through with what they promised you



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood