HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Normal Mood

I AM IN A NORMAL MOOD at long last! It's just after midday and I haven't been to sleep all night. That's because I was up all last night too (and slept yesterday daytime) and I need to get my sleep cycle back. I was feeling tired earlier but I'm fine now. I'm supporting myself on black coffee but striving to be moderate in my use. Last night I had four cups in two hours and started getting racing thoughts, pacing around and feeling hyper. Basically I had drunk too much. I drank cyder to try and bring myself down. One cyder. Which I shouldn't have done. My aim is to be drinking no alcohol at all as soon as possible.

I was feeling horrible earlier on. Horrible and sweaty. But I'd forgotten my methadone. I've drunk it now; I feel fine.

No heroin today. I can't go near it as it would make me sleep, which I don't want. At night I'm hopefully going to sleep anyhow, so gear would be a waste of money.

My sleep has gone all over the place recently and my appetite is lousy. I can't eat very much because I feel this sense of nausea. It's just appetite-loss, not a feeling that I'm actually going to puke. I've had an entire tin of corned beef now. I need to eat the bare minimum anyway. I need to lose weight.

I'm just glad this depressed mood seems finally to have run away. I can never be sure about anything but it's gone for now. I know it always comes back.

There's a mood stabilizer called Lamictal (lamotrigine) that's supposed to counter the downs more than the ups so I'm asking for that.

I'm watching Charlton Heston in Moses. Wish me luck!!!

14 comments:

Akelamalu said...

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better Gleds. :)

Anna Grace said...

Good to hear your in a stable mood. I'm on Lamictal. I just got mine upped from 100mgs to 200mgs. The doctor also put me on Ablify. This is all to sort out my moods.

I too am in a good mood, but I used. When I woke up I wasn't really sick, and not really depressed. Just normal. I guess I just can't stand being normal when I have dope in the house. I'm almost out, so I'll have to face life head on sooner rather than later.

I tried staying up late lastnight, but as it does, the heroin put me to sleep.

must go and read the post you posted at 3:39am
x

Gledwood said...

AKELAMALU: I'm trying to stay that way now. I have to do sleep deprivation even though I'm tired in order to wait for tonight to sleep. Really don't want to get into sleeping during the day.

ANNA: opiates opiates. Have you heard of that thing called PAWS? I can't remember what it stands for but it means symptoms you still have weeks after coming off opiates. Psych drugs might actually cover that up so you might be lucky.

Yeah that lamactil sounds quite good. I was considering asking for that by name. I've had years on end of varying degrees of depression so I need something that makes it go away.

I don't know if they would give antidepressants anyway. They always felt too much like drugs for my taste.

Drugs drugs drugs. What I'm trying to stay away from.

the addict said...

Good Luck! I relapsed again. Don't think I'm done, though my family is done with me. This sucks.

Gledwood said...

your family is done with you?

ok well maybe they ought to find out about addiction and quit the unrealistic expectations

and start expecting you to BE ok when you FEEL OK

that would be a big start

it would also be a big start re the drug treatment programs of the world, especially those in America

the more you make addicts suffer THE MORE THEY WILL USE

simple very simple absolutely basic DRUGS 101 knowledge they choose to ignore every single time

good luck though you can do it

NA is good. if you have mental health problems beware in there they make out they understand them but really don't. all they understand is addiction: that's their specialism and that's what they're good at

best thing about NA is it's free and the people who run it, if you want to put it that way, are addicts themselves...

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Charleton Heston bores the shit out of me. Not sure why.

Love you!

SB

Anna Grace said...

I thought you said you were banging away at a boring post. No matter how boring you think it is, its still entertainment to us. Fuck all our lives our mundane and nothing good is ever on the telivison, which is why we read your blog.

I went through spurts where I didn't post in weeks, and my live was truely boring without Heroin or opiates in it.

Being back on makes me feel alive and dead at the same time.

As you say the attraction to heroin is because its deadly. I've always wanted to live on the edge. Half dead, half alive is what I feel on dope, but I want to feel fully alive. Can you tell me how to do that?

Anna Grace said...

Wow I just looked at all the spelling errors on that comment, and all I can say, is I'm dumb.

Gledwood said...

SB: I know it's sad when somebody has Alzheimers and I know he was moved. But that public goodbye he issued was a bit narcissistic and pompous... doncha think?

ANNA: that was a different post I never put up. All to do with how the Finnish language relates to Estonian... etc etc. I'm sure you would have found it less than fascinating. It barely mentioned anything to do with gear so I'm sure you'd not have found it even mildly entertaining.

How to feel fully alive: doesn't a manic episode do that for you? It certainly did for me. Despite the downsides, my full-on mania made me fully alive, fully myself, fully functioning from what I could have discerned. If you wonder why I go on about mania so much, that's it!

So what does mania do for you if not that??

Pls rsvp: I'm bemused!

There's nothing dumb about you Anna. Who cares about a couple of spellings that don't match the dictionary's idea of perfect spelling in the English language. Did you know the first English dictionary only appeared in the 1700s; before that people spelled how they imagined a word ought to look and nobody ever had any trouble. The idea of "good spelling" is a purely modern thing. It's caused poor children who happen not to have a good grasp of this obscure aspect of English endless condemnation over something that ought to be flexible anyhow. Just have a look through most forums and you'll see how people spell as they please and can be super-articulate nonetheless. Dump this shitty idea where it belongs: down the lavatory. And spell as you please!!

I've got to go I kept thinking I was in a locked steel room. My mind is wondering something cronic despite the heroin and the valium I've had my mind races all over the place still. I feel such a heck of a lot superior to anything I've felt for weeks on end. I HATE FEELING DEPRESSED. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!

Gledwood said...

ANNA GRACE: ME AGAIN. PLEASE EXPLAIN HOW YOU FEEL IN MANIA. DON'T YOU GET HIGH? DON'T YOU FEEL EVEN A BIT HAPPY? HOW HIGH DO YOU GO AND HOW DOES THIS COMPARE TO DRUGS? IF IT COMPARES TO DRUGS THEN WHICH DRUGS. PLEASE EXPLAIN HOW IT COMPARES OR DOESN'T COMPARE. IS THE MANIC EUPHORIA LESS INTENSE THAN THE DRUG EUPHORIA FROM SPEED? OR COKE? MINE WAS NOT ALWAYS STRONGER BUT IT WAS DEFINITELY NICER. WHEN I WENT TRULY MANIC HIGH I WENT EVEN HIGHER THAN I'VE BEEN ON DRUGS, ANY DRUGS. AND IT FELT TRULY FANTASTIC. I SPENT ABOUT 3 DAYS ON A PARTICULARLY INTENSE SUPER-DUPER HIGH. THIS IS WHY I WAS RANTING AND RAVING ABOUT IT WHEN I WAS DEPRESSED INTO DESPAIR. ALTHOUGH I CERTAINLY WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND TOTALLY UN-TOGETHER FROM MY MANIC EPISODE, I TRULY WAS FEELING HIGH... HIGHER THAN DRUGS IN THE END, AS I SAY.

I KNOW NOT EVERYBODY FEELS THE SAME, AND SOME PEOPLE GET MORE OF A BUZZ OFF OF DRUGS. ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

DOES YOUR MANIA FEEL TOO IRRITABLE TO BE TRULY HIGH? OR WHAT? WHAT HAPPENS? PLEASE EXPLAIN, I'M FASCINATED.

SURELY THE MEDS DO SOMETHING TO STOP YOU GETTING FULLY MANIC. SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ON THE MEDS AS OPPOSED TO OFF THEM? WHAT'S THE DOWNSIDE, FOR YOU, FROM MANIA.

I KNOW MANIA IS NOT HAPPINESS. IT'S NOT HAPPINESS TO ME. IT MADE ME FEEL VERY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF AND EVEN WHEN THE MANIC PHASE FADED AND DEPRESSION SET IN, I STILL FELT BETTER ABOUT MYSELF THAN I HAD BEFORE, BECAUSE THE MANIA HAD RAISED MY SELF ESTEEM...

AS I SAY YOU COULD MAKE A POST ABOUT ALL THIS

NOBODY PROPERLY EXPLAINS HOW THEIR BIPOLAR MAKES THEM FEEL, ESPECIALLY THE MANIC PART. CAN'T YOU EXPLAIN THAT TO ME...? PLEASE??!

Syd said...

Charleton Heston turned out to be a huge right winger. That tainted him for me.

Anna Grace said...

I posted about my mania. Its not as clear as you are in explanation.

Were you trying to yell at me with that comment in all caps? If so ur too funny.

Gledwood said...

Anna: I just didn't want you to miss it. I was wondering how you felt in mania. Nobody ever explains that stuff, so I don't know how other people feel...

Syd: wasn't he a massive pro-guns champion?

Only thing I don't understand about guns in America, how come it's legal to possess one yet seemingly illegal to use it for what it's designed for? For killing people!

Gledwood said...

PLEASE SOMEBODY: I wish somebody would explain the law in America re guns. It seems somehow possible to get a license so lax you're allowed to keep a loaded gun by your bed or in the glove compartment of your car... and yet when people use them they end up in court on homicide charges. The whole point of a gun is to shoot people. How can it be legal to own a deadly weapon and yet illegal to use it for the purpose to which it was intended..?!~??

PLEASE SOMEBODY, I WISH SOMEBODY WOULD EXPLAIN..!!<!!???

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood