HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...


I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Feeling Better

YES I'M FEELING BETTER! Hopefully for good. Yes I did use heroin this afternoon and it took away about 60% of my depression. The depression was getting so bad I could barely handle the thought of scoring, let alone the procedure of walking down to the shops, which took 20 mins, to get to a certain back street where the dealer said he would come and park up. He won't come to my house as he's coming from inner London and I live too far out for him. He has a LOT of customers dotted hither and thither, so if you live outside the ten square miles or so he deals in, you have to walk or ride into that zone to meet him.

Anyway I took a 0.3g hit in my leg and felt far better. I'm very well aware of how sad it is to rely on heroin as an antidepressant, but it's the only thing that really works for me. I was in such a negative frame of mind that the staying clean aspect felt pretty meaningless. I felt like an idiot and a loser for using and had so many negative thoughts in my head it barely seemed worthwhile going down the road to get the drug. But I did. And I felt better.

Unlike the other day though my mood stayed higher right into the evening. Now it's even higher than it was when I used and its just after 3am. I don't feel manic, but I barely feel depressed at all. I feel a little bit speedy actually. There's no way the heroin can be causing this. Heroin makes you dopey, not speedy. And heroin mostly wears off within 4-6 hours, unless you take a truly whopping dose, which I didn't.

So I'm hoping my mood is improving by itself. I felt tired and gauwchy earlier on which is not surprising: heroin does that to you. But I didn't sleep. Then I realized it was after midnight so I went to bed but just didn't feel sleepy enough ~ for once! So I'm up and trying to stay up as long as I can.

The research I did into depression said that missing a night's sleep can actually reset your body clock out of depression. So I'm going to try going on just a few hours sleep and a bit of tea to see whether this works.

Wish me luck!


OK the following is a mixed bag of stuff from when I was researching how not to be depressed. The links are really for my own benefit, but have a click if you're interested. You might find the "how it feels" mania and depression ones enlightening if you're wondering what bipolar feels like.

From the Risperidone leaflet. When this fell out I was so high it felt like a character portrait just for me:
Risperidone tablets are also used to treat a type of mental illness called bipolar disorder, which causes dramatic mood swings from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behaviour go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs (characterised by overactivity, elation or irritability, overly talkativeness, aggression, less need for sleep than normal, switching quickly from one topic to another as if they cannot get their thoughts out fast enough, get easily distracted or show poor judgement or cause injury to oneself) are called episodes of mania.

Only thing I didn't do in all that was injure myself.

I got "54+ severely depressed" on this scale as well.


68 "severely depressed" again


Bipolar II disorder, the mental illness from which actress Catherine Zeta Jones suffers:

Bipolar sleep

What triggers a manic episode

If you want to know what it feels like to be manic, read this:

And here's a good description of what depression's like

This is for you, Anna Grace, you nympho tart!

Thanks, LizzieDripping

The fur hat illustration is because I found one today that looks like the top bit of that one without the lollopy rabbits' ears sides. I'm saving it for next winter: my new look!

PS note to self: GET NEW GLASSES


Syd said...

Thanks for stopping by. Hope that tomorrow goes well for you and you are out of the depression.

Gledwood said...

I hope it stays GONE then no need for that shitty heroin. I was ONLY using it because I felt shit, not out of sheer habit like I used to. If I felt perfect tomorrow I wouldn't touch it. So fingers crossed.

Akelamalu said...

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better m'dear.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Happy Easter, Gleds. xx

Gledwood said...



Terry Wright said...

Howdy Gleds.

Sometimes when I use heroin, it has a profound effect on me. I feel happy, confident and most importantly - optimistic. I start to feel like I actually have a future. This feeling usually lasts for many hours until I go to bed. Of course, it's all gone when I get up the next morning.

The idea behind using smack was once for the high but now it's to fight off depression. Sure, there's still an initial buzz but feeling normal like I once did is the ultimate goal.

It sounds like you might sometimes have a similar experience to me when you use heroin. Feeling content and buoyant which gives you the urge to do things like cooking, phoning friends, cleaning, writing or other hobbies/interests etc. Like you mentioned, it's sort of like speed which makes no sense at all.

If only the useless fucking government would allow doctors to prescribe diamorphine for depression to addicts or long term pain patients, then we might see thousands of them rejoin the workforce and become part of the community once again. It's a no brainer ... Diamorphine can effectively kill off depression for many addicts. Why commit them to a life of shit medications like methadone when we have such effective solutions like heroin? I was nearly driven to the point of suicide when I was on methadone and it took some carefully crafted manoeuvring and sheer luck that I was able to switch to Slow Release Oral Morphine (SROM) instead. And although SROM literally saved my life, it doesn't come close to diamorphine.

"I'm very well aware of how sad it is to rely on heroin as an antidepressant, but it's the only thing that really works for me. I was in such a negative frame of mind that the staying clean aspect felt pretty meaningless. I felt like an idiot and a loser for using and had so many negative thoughts in my head it barely seemed worthwhile going down the road to get the drug. But I did. And I felt better."

Why should you feel ashamed to admit that a certain medication alleviates your depression just because it has been demonised by anti-drug zealots, religious nutters and self serving politicians? Drugs that make people feel happy have been constantly rejected as not having any medical use all throughout history; led mainly by religious groups like the Temperance Movement and law enforcement agencies. MDMA and cannabis is a classic example.

Anyway, take care Gleds and we'll talk soon.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood