Anyway I took a 0.3g hit in my leg and felt far better. I'm very well aware of how sad it is to rely on heroin as an antidepressant, but it's the only thing that really works for me. I was in such a negative frame of mind that the staying clean aspect felt pretty meaningless. I felt like an idiot and a loser for using and had so many negative thoughts in my head it barely seemed worthwhile going down the road to get the drug. But I did. And I felt better.
Unlike the other day though my mood stayed higher right into the evening. Now it's even higher than it was when I used and its just after 3am. I don't feel manic, but I barely feel depressed at all. I feel a little bit speedy actually. There's no way the heroin can be causing this. Heroin makes you dopey, not speedy. And heroin mostly wears off within 4-6 hours, unless you take a truly whopping dose, which I didn't.
So I'm hoping my mood is improving by itself. I felt tired and gauwchy earlier on which is not surprising: heroin does that to you. But I didn't sleep. Then I realized it was after midnight so I went to bed but just didn't feel sleepy enough ~ for once! So I'm up and trying to stay up as long as I can.
The research I did into depression said that missing a night's sleep can actually reset your body clock out of depression. So I'm going to try going on just a few hours sleep and a bit of tea to see whether this works.
Wish me luck!
OK the following is a mixed bag of stuff from when I was researching how not to be depressed. The links are really for my own benefit, but have a click if you're interested. You might find the "how it feels" mania and depression ones enlightening if you're wondering what bipolar feels like.
From the Risperidone leaflet. When this fell out I was so high it felt like a character portrait just for me:
Risperidone tablets are also used to treat a type of mental illness called bipolar disorder, which causes dramatic mood swings from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behaviour go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs (characterised by overactivity, elation or irritability, overly talkativeness, aggression, less need for sleep than normal, switching quickly from one topic to another as if they cannot get their thoughts out fast enough, get easily distracted or show poor judgement or cause injury to oneself) are called episodes of mania.
Only thing I didn't do in all that was injure myself.
I got "54+ severely depressed" on this scale as well.
68 "severely depressed" again
Bipolar II disorder, the mental illness from which actress Catherine Zeta Jones suffers:
What triggers a manic episode
If you want to know what it feels like to be manic, read this:
And here's a good description of what depression's like
WEEBLES FEATURING PRINCESS JULIA: MOIST WOMANLY NEEDS
This is for you, Anna Grace, you nympho tart!
DELIRIUM FEATURING SARAH MCLACHAN: SILENCE
The fur hat illustration is because I found one today that looks like the top bit of that one without the lollopy rabbits' ears sides. I'm saving it for next winter: my new look!
PS note to self: GET NEW GLASSES