HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Corned Beef Wind-up

3:39AM I HAVE JUST had major hassles from a tin of corned beef. Stupid key drizzled itself less than halfway round one single side out of four before derailing, leaving me with an unopenable tin. My tinopener simply will not cut the bastard thing open. So I was reduced to dipping a pair of scissors into this tin's metalic smile and annoying myself with pitifullly small morsels.

I just wrote another post but it's too annoying for words.

I'm alive! I'm alive again! Depression has melted into the darkness for now at least and my mind is pinging alive like a kitchen running with naughty mice.

I had 3 cups of black coffee a few hours ago and a tin of cyder. I only got the cyder to try and calm myself down. I was pacing everywhere trying to remember what I was doing...

... I was actually collecting clothes to wash in the sink. Well they're marinading nicely in washingup liquid now.

Gone With The Wind is on again. I can't believe I ever thought that was an awful film. It's because it was voted best movie of all time in several polls that put me off it. As was Citizen Kane (where Citizen Kane is #1 Gone with the Wind is #2 and vice versa). And Citizen Kane is incontrovertably boring.

Gone with the Wind was a huge bestseller, the Harry Potter of its time. It sold at least 7 million in hardback in the United States alone, which was good for that time. So there was much talk about who would star in the movie and something akin to a talent competition was put in operation. I kept wondering why they didn't cast Elizabeth Taylor as Scarlett, but she was only 7 or 8 at the time. Eventually an unknown actress from England, Vivienne Leigh, was chosen. I like her spirit. And I love the way she shoots that robbing buffoon on the stairs. I especially like her catchphrase "I'll think about that tomorrow"..! What a way to live life. Not necessarily a good way, but what a way.

When I first saw Rhett I thought "what a smarmy man" but I like his attitude. He is accepting of all people, all things. He even keeps up his good humour in a "horse jail" stable where he is confined prior to his hanging. (He never gets hanged.)

O what am I talking about y'all have probably seen the film more times than I have.

Why do they barely ever put classic films on TV? Are they really so expensive to run?

Well I've got to go. I don't know if I'll be sleeing tonight. I didn't sleep last night either, but I slept all day. Maybe I should stay up till tomorrow night.

I haven't touched any heroin at all since Friday afternoon and I don't intend to touch it again.

Drink: I'd like to give up completely but I tend to cling to it as something to brighten me up when I'm down, something to calm me down when I'm up. I noticed the dr didn't sound at all surprised when I mentioned these effects to him. And he never told me to stop drinking. He wanted me to stop so that alcohol could be ruled out of the diagnostic equation. Well I got diagnosed didn't I. It wasn't exactly the one I would have picked myself, but life isn't a Chinese takeaway menu.

If I could pick any mental illness to have the only one I'd go near would be "constant euphoric unipolar hypomania". That's the only one anyone with half a brain would go near either.

Mania makes me too distractable and unfocused, not to mention highly irritable (as well as euphoric). It's the euphoria I love, the so-called Elevated Mood. Psychosis can be entertaining (lots of hallucinations) but I only say that because it happens anyway and you have to make the best of a bad lot. Depression is vile. What else is there... anxiety? Beyond the pale. I don't really get any other mental disorders so that's it.

What gets me is when I have to do ordinary things yet I feel like I'm on an E and a trip. No way in a million years would I drop acid and ecstasy and then attend some kind of group therapy session like the nutter club. Last time this chic opposite me was banging on about her depression and I just couldn't handle it. I had to leave. This caused some commotion but I ran outside and smoked three cigarettes while fleeing up the high road. Then I nearly had a panic attack in Sainsbury's. There's only so much you can push yourself. I didn't feel like going anyway and I pushed myself too far that day.

And I don't touch acid or ecstasy by the way. I once did, but that was more than a decade ago (ecstasy) and nearly twenty years ago (most of the acid). People seem to get confused by my drug allusions, what I'm often trying to say is I FEEL drugged, not that I AM drugged. You'll know when I am drugged because I'll be talking about having used heroin that day. And you'll know that by reading into my past more than my future. Heroin has no place in my future.

I just wish I could give up drinking that nasty alcohol. I know it's doing me no good even though the consumption is LOW. So low it's practically within the British government's stingy health guidelines.

I just know that alcohol doesn't fit in with the pious health food lifestyle I need to adopt. Good thing I actually LIKE lentil stew isn't it!!

Well I'll leave it there, (as I say at NA). I have clothes to wash and Gone With The Wind to watch. Yet again...


PS I'm not feeling like I'm on an E or a trip now. I only mention that because I did feel that way not long ago and it wasn't condusive to doing things outside the home...


Illustrated: corned beef mayhem; Scarlett O'Hara; white cyder; LSD, yes a "trip" is this tiny. In my day, two of these could blow your head off!

BLACKOUT CREW: BAD BOY (NOT ENOUGH DONK)
This tune is a bit rude, but I like the techno donkdonkdonk bit.
I think it would be better just music, no words...




GOA TRANCE
in Goa, Hilltop nr Vagator/Anjuna





06:21 I just went out, got another tin of corned beef (different make) opened it successfully and ate half (hurrah!) That's all I can manage. A small bowl of curry and rice and half a tin of corned beef. No appetite. I'm going to try and get 2 hours sleep then go to bed at the proper time tomorrow night. It's light already. Wish me luck

12 comments:

Anna Grace said...

You reiderate the fact that you were high on a phycotic mania and not on drugs alot. I guess you really want people to understand you don't want drugs, you want a natrual high.

You must be desperate to get that euphoria back.

Made me laugh at the thought of you pokeing at a can of corned beef with a sicissors, only getting tid bits out at a time.

I myself have never seen Scarlet O'hara, but I have seen Citizen Cane, and I find it very dull. I do love old movies though. Just this morning I watched the 1962 version of Cape Fear. My all time fav old movie is The Treasure of the Siera Madre. Humphry Bogart is my favorite actor of all time. If only he were alive now, I'd jump his bones. Even though he's old in his movies. He just has that something about him that makes girls horny. Too much info. Sorry.

I'm talking about myself too much. Got to go. Keep up the mood.
x

Gledwood said...

Yeah at the time some people seemed to assume it was Using causing it, I wanted people to know I was off drugs not on them. Also I didn't want to read it back and think I'd been using crack or something so I had to be clear for myself.

I'm beginning to remember even more that it wasn't all peaches and cream being manic. There was a hell of a lot of things I had to remember not to do, especially in public. Eg hit people who annoyed me, appeared to be discussing me loudly amongst each other etc etc. That's why I say it's the good mood I want, not mania as such. I despair I'll ever get one without the other. I can but hope.

I saw the modern Cape Fear in the cinema. It was terrifying.

Wasn't Humphry Bogart in Casablanca? I never got into that film. I once went to actual Casablanca for all of half an hour. We had a row with a cab driver who wanted to charge more than the train fare to Fez for a ride across town. So we got the train to Fez instead. A Fez is a red flowerpot shaped hat (as far as I know). Fez is also a picturesque town in Central Morocco and it's very cold in winter compared to Marrakech, which was about 70F in December, every day. Beautiful.

I'd really like to go back to Morocco. Being a major hash producing country (and I hate cannabis) I can't see that any drugs I would want to use would be there. So it would be a perfect place to remain drug-free.

Yet another day without gear today. It's 1/4 to 7 at night and I can't be bothered. I just slept for 90 mins as I was so grouchy without sleep. Now I feel grouchy and awake. I could do with a hell of a lot more sleep but I have to wait tonight else I'll never get the sleep cycle back. Control, control. It's all about control.

I hope you're OK :-)

Jeannie said...

Those corned beef tins are a death trap - I don't know how many nasty cuts I've had from them over the years - leaving nasty scars - because the stupid thing didn't open right.

I loved the book Gone with the Wind. I've read it any number of times - because it isn't a romance although many wrongly call it such - I think that's what puts so many off it too. It's actually a tragedy. I'm sure I've seen the movie but perhaps not from start to finish.

We have an entire channel here devoted to classics. And many others play old movies too. I'm sure Gone With the Wind is played several times a year.

Gledwood said...

ANNA: before I forget, I was wondering why I repeat myself. It must get quite boring to read. It's because I know not everybody reads every single post and when I checked my stats a lot of people come to old posts, so just that one page comes up. I felt I had to explain myself just so they knew what I was talking about. At least I know now the hyper thing was called "manic" so I can say "manic" and use the proper word. I always knew that's what it was. There's no other state in psychiatry where you actually feel better than normal. Mania is the only one. That's why I kept saying I wanted it back, I was so depressed I couldn't conceive of ever feeling OK except through drugs or mania. Not actual happiness. I wonder whether I could ever be truly happy. Do you think you'll ever be happy?

JEANNIE: you know I got hungry later on and ate nearly half that tin through the tiny opening I'd carved out. Which most certainly took some doing!

I'd like to read the book of Gone With The Wind; it wouldn't surprise me if it's even better than the film.

I wish we had an old films channel; but as far as I know there is none. Turner Classic Movies just does not cut the mustard!

the addict said...

love scarlett

Anna Grace said...

No I don't think I can ever be truely happy. I hate to say it, but I have such low selfesteem, and self worth.

When I'm with a boyfriend I feel better, but I can't stand to be around someone all the time, and being in a relationship you spend a lot of time with the other person. Which makes me want to use to escape the monotony of being in a one on one relationship. I also want to use being by myself to kill the monotony of every day life. Its like that saying your always carring that rock up and down the hill. Things never seem to really change. Even when I wasn't using.

Yes, Humphry Bogart was in Casablanca, not his best film. I never finished it.

My freind never got me the Methadone so tomorrow I have one shot left, and then I'm over it. I really need Methadone to stablize a little. Looks like I'm going to go at sobriety full fleged though. I don't have any cash to buy more gear.
You know over here, we hardly ever call H gear. Smack, dope, horse, boy etc. My personal favorite, Judas. Because its your best friend who betrays you. It must be a British thing, "gear". Although when I do say gear people know what I'm talking about. It was called boy in Hawaii. Not up here in Wisconsin.

Sorry to go on and on. Perhaps one day both of us will be happy or at least come to terms with the mundaness of life. Living life on the razor edge makes it more bearable. It also causes the likelyhood you'll die before your time.

My spelling is so bad. Its embarrassing. I need to take a spelling class, like in thrid grade.

Here's to having a happy full life. Cheers.
X

Anna Grace said...

Before I forget, I'm not talking about that envolope at the bottom of a post. That's to email that particular post to someone who you think would like to read it.

I'm talking about going into your gadgets, and putting up a button where you can be alerted to new posts as soon as its posted.

I like it because when I'm board, and not around a computer I can read blogs. I don't know how to get all the blogs I follow on the side bar like you have, which tells you who has blogged lately.

You don't have a smart phone, so I understand why you wouldn't want to get a blog emailed to you. It would probably just clog up your email. But it doesn't send you your blog posts, just to the people who sumbited their email address so they can get it sent to thier email. Does that make sense?

If you have time, or if you want to do it. I sound like I'm pressuring you to do it. You don't have to. It might mess up your stats. I don't know for sure. My stats are still pretty good.

Even though people hate me, they still read me. I guess that's a backhanded compliment.

Anna Grace said...

The kind of music you like, is called house music here. Is it called that there? I really like that Lizzy house mix song you have up.

x

Gattina said...

Did you know that there is very good beer in England without any alcohol ? that's what I am drinking because I hate soft drinks all too sweet. It's very good and refreshing ! try it out !

Gledwood said...

THE ADDICT: aye!

ANNA: I don't think of gear as Judas. Heroin never let me down, not good strong heroin. Only the people around it, the dealers who dealt it, the cut that was ladled into it. The crap surrounding it. Heroin itself I was fine with.

They say that doing the same thing time and time over expecting different results is true insanity.

That's assuming I WAS expecting something different from heroin when I wasn't expecting anything much, except to feel better after taking it than I had done before.

But if I go into gadgets and put the email facility up you won't be reading me on blogger you'll be reading me in email and if I make a mistake and update my post you'll surely get the old nonupdated version... woncha??!?

Yeah you put your finger on it: stats. It probably would mess up my stats and make them go down. I know Google Reader fucks up your stats and makes them go down. People only use that because it loads up quicker. Why they don't just read the blog I don't know.

Cant you just read my blog as http://gledwood2.blogspot.com on your smartphone or doesn't it work like that??

Yeah here's to HAPPINESS. Cheers; glasses together. Clink-clink!!

GATTINA: i know there used to be a nonalcoholic beer that was heavily advertised across the 2 commercial TV channels we had at the time. I believe the most recent one was called Calibre. But I wouldn't have a clue what nonalcoholic beer we get nowadays. Can you recall teh brandname? I'd be ever so grateful if you could recall that for me.

Though I'd never drink beer just to fit in ~ eg I'd go for cocktails on the beach (why on earth drink beer on holiday!!!!) I do like a nice cold beer on a hot day; nothing beats it!!

Syd said...

I live in the same city where the Wilkes Plantation was filmed. GWTW is a great movie about the old South.

Gledwood said...

Are you in Atlanta or Georga then?

And was Georga named after King George III or George II or one King George? I know Virginia was named after Elizabeth I as the Virgin Queen....

so where you are must look like Atlanta or Georgia.. I'm sure they were talking about Atlanta... is the house Tara there also.??

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood