3:39AM I HAVE JUST had major hassles from a tin of corned beef. Stupid key drizzled itself less than halfway round one single side out of four before derailing, leaving me with an unopenable tin. My tinopener simply will not cut the bastard thing open. So I was reduced to dipping a pair of scissors into this tin's metalic smile and annoying myself with pitifullly small morsels.
I just wrote another post but it's too annoying for words.
I'm alive! I'm alive again! Depression has melted into the darkness for now at least and my mind is pinging alive like a kitchen running with naughty mice.
I had 3 cups of black coffee a few hours ago and a tin of cyder. I only got the cyder to try and calm myself down. I was pacing everywhere trying to remember what I was doing...
... I was actually collecting clothes to wash in the sink. Well they're marinading nicely in washingup liquid now.
Gone With The Wind is on again. I can't believe I ever thought that was an awful film. It's because it was voted best movie of all time in several polls that put me off it. As was Citizen Kane (where Citizen Kane is #1 Gone with the Wind is #2 and vice versa). And Citizen Kane is incontrovertably boring.
Gone with the Wind was a huge bestseller, the Harry Potter of its time. It sold at least 7 million in hardback in the United States alone, which was good for that time. So there was much talk about who would star in the movie and something akin to a talent competition was put in operation. I kept wondering why they didn't cast Elizabeth Taylor as Scarlett, but she was only 7 or 8 at the time. Eventually an unknown actress from England, Vivienne Leigh, was chosen. I like her spirit. And I love the way she shoots that robbing buffoon on the stairs. I especially like her catchphrase "I'll think about that tomorrow"..! What a way to live life. Not necessarily a good way, but what a way.
When I first saw Rhett I thought "what a smarmy man" but I like his attitude. He is accepting of all people, all things. He even keeps up his good humour in a "horse jail" stable where he is confined prior to his hanging. (He never gets hanged.)
O what am I talking about y'all have probably seen the film more times than I have.
Why do they barely ever put classic films on TV? Are they really so expensive to run?
Well I've got to go. I don't know if I'll be sleeing tonight. I didn't sleep last night either, but I slept all day. Maybe I should stay up till tomorrow night.
I haven't touched any heroin at all since Friday afternoon and I don't intend to touch it again.
Drink: I'd like to give up completely but I tend to cling to it as something to brighten me up when I'm down, something to calm me down when I'm up. I noticed the dr didn't sound at all surprised when I mentioned these effects to him. And he never told me to stop drinking. He wanted me to stop so that alcohol could be ruled out of the diagnostic equation. Well I got diagnosed didn't I. It wasn't exactly the one I would have picked myself, but life isn't a Chinese takeaway menu.
If I could pick any mental illness to have the only one I'd go near would be "constant euphoric unipolar hypomania". That's the only one anyone with half a brain would go near either.
Mania makes me too distractable and unfocused, not to mention highly irritable (as well as euphoric). It's the euphoria I love, the so-called Elevated Mood. Psychosis can be entertaining (lots of hallucinations) but I only say that because it happens anyway and you have to make the best of a bad lot. Depression is vile. What else is there... anxiety? Beyond the pale. I don't really get any other mental disorders so that's it.
What gets me is when I have to do ordinary things yet I feel like I'm on an E and a trip. No way in a million years would I drop acid and ecstasy and then attend some kind of group therapy session like the nutter club. Last time this chic opposite me was banging on about her depression and I just couldn't handle it. I had to leave. This caused some commotion but I ran outside and smoked three cigarettes while fleeing up the high road. Then I nearly had a panic attack in Sainsbury's. There's only so much you can push yourself. I didn't feel like going anyway and I pushed myself too far that day.
And I don't touch acid or ecstasy by the way. I once did, but that was more than a decade ago (ecstasy) and nearly twenty years ago (most of the acid). People seem to get confused by my drug allusions, what I'm often trying to say is I FEEL drugged, not that I AM drugged. You'll know when I am drugged because I'll be talking about having used heroin that day. And you'll know that by reading into my past more than my future. Heroin has no place in my future.
I just wish I could give up drinking that nasty alcohol. I know it's doing me no good even though the consumption is LOW. So low it's practically within the British government's stingy health guidelines.
I just know that alcohol doesn't fit in with the pious health food lifestyle I need to adopt. Good thing I actually LIKE lentil stew isn't it!!
Well I'll leave it there, (as I say at NA). I have clothes to wash and Gone With The Wind to watch. Yet again...
PS I'm not feeling like I'm on an E or a trip now. I only mention that because I did feel that way not long ago and it wasn't condusive to doing things outside the home...
Illustrated: corned beef mayhem; Scarlett O'Hara; white cyder; LSD, yes a "trip" is this tiny. In my day, two of these could blow your head off!
BLACKOUT CREW: BAD BOY (NOT ENOUGH DONK)
This tune is a bit rude, but I like the techno donkdonkdonk bit.
I think it would be better just music, no words...
in Goa, Hilltop nr Vagator/Anjuna
06:21 I just went out, got another tin of corned beef (different make) opened it successfully and ate half (hurrah!) That's all I can manage. A small bowl of curry and rice and half a tin of corned beef. No appetite. I'm going to try and get 2 hours sleep then go to bed at the proper time tomorrow night. It's light already. Wish me luck
It was Christmas eve in a war zone - I just about managed to rise this morning but shining is still a long way off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I had my usual stress dream last night....
19 hours ago