HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Post Royal Comedown

THE DAY AFTER THE ROYAL WEDDING. I bet the Queen guzzled too much wedding cake and Philip has a hangover. As for Charles and Camilla I'd imagine he had a sneaky spliff on the back balcony while she puffed away at the Benson and Hedges. Somebody told me Kate Middleton was a notorious crack-whore from Tottenham, North London and that all her punters had been mysteriously killed by the Security Services (I did get told this, the night I was invited to a Charles and Camilla party. Lots of drunk crackheads wearing cut-out face-masks from the Sun newspaper. No thanks.)

Maybe I shouldn't be so disrespectful to the royals. Well what else do you want to hear? How me and Anna both have suicidal ideation? Anna wants to top herself; so do I. Except that I keep laughing all the time. I'm sure my shrinko would have a field-day with THAT one so I'm keeping quiet and asking for lamotrigine (Lamactil).

Of course I was hoping for a manic episode back but I'm pissing in the wind hoping for that one. I know mania isn't cool. All that violent ideation, irritation, agitation, volatility of mood, paranoia etc. It's the euphoria and grandiosity I enjoy, along with the non-paranoid hallucinations (when the voices tell knockout-quality jokes, that's always a good one.) As for sanity I know there's not a hope in hell of that. If sanity means peace, happiness and contentment: not in this lifetime. If sanity means a low grade misery and a feeling of being alive in a bathfull of cold water having recently tried to drown. Yeah, there'll be lots of that.

I slept a good 14 hours last night. Yet another bad sign. Means I'm depressed.

I woke up this afternoon wondering what all the fuss had been about. When I'm in a relationship this usually means a thoroughly pantomime quality argument with the bitch I'm currently with the night before. More recently it meant something to do with having been severely manic, jumping out of bed at 2:30am and gone totally crazy by eleven o'clock, coming down slightly in the evening then taking a sleeping pill which brought me down enough to think what was THAT all about??! Knowing I'd wake up yet again in the very early hours feeling pilled out of my head on Ecstasy, which I haven't touched in ten years, for the whole charade to start all over again. Of course THIS fuss was the Royal Wedding. They didn't even trumpet out the tune I'd been hoping for. It's a fanfare you'll have heard at Royal Events time over.

Well I have to go. I don't want not want drugs rehab anything. I wish I would just fucking drop dead. Not a hope in hell of that happening.

If I do die I want my family to exploit exploit exploit my crappo writings tying in as much as possible with my fortunate death. Get 'em published by Harper Collins or Transworld. Do not self publish or I shall COME BACK AND HAUNT YOU.

If only I lived in 60BC I'd probably be dead by now and happy already. Maybe I should stop collecting my money. Then my heirs could spend all that and I could starve to death. Best of all worlds. Good job antibiotics don't work any more. Means my chances of kicking the bucket are higher. If I was more... whatever I'd just go and live on the street again it was far easier. And in winter you can die. Best thing about homelessness in February was ice cold cyder 1st thing in the morning and chilled corned beef.

Well I have to run. Fucking awful crap on television. Dealer just got in touch. Heroin. Whoopee. You can't hear the unenthusiastic voice behind that. If I could think up more crap to say believe me I'd say it but I can't so I have to go. Hope your weekend is full of eggs and kittens in country baskets.

20:46 gear in system. Direct in right shin. Feeling 100% better. If only they could prescribe something that made me feel OK I'd have no need of banging up gear, But I do need to bang up gear; I need it. Best thing I've heard of so far is Lamactil aka lamotrigine it stabilizes you out of bipolar depressions better than bipolar mania and it's elevated mood and mania I could do with the most. As for "normality" ~ there aint a cat's chance in hell of my attaining that

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

hi gledwood,just thought i'd say hello,i'm visiting the inlaws up north and being told wot a crap mum i am cos i love my daughter too much...?eh?! so yeah,everyones using the wedding as an excuse to get pissed before 5 pm...they still need an excuse...!
cheerio and how's your ickle cactus doing?Annie x

Gledwood said...

the cactus is doing fine thanks, i'm surviving but barely doing anything better.... very poor concentration

did you go to a street party? we didn't have any but a mate of mine wore a Kate Middleton mask while the other dressed as William, they drank so much cyder they could barely trot along in a straight line letalone indulge in anything else of consequence

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

Nothing was on TV yesterday but new events about the royal wedding. And I live in the US.

William and Kate are a attractive couple and seem so happy. I just hope it doesn't end the way his mom's marriage did.

And did you get a load of those hats? One looked like it had a propeller and would have flown her away.

Gledwood said...

Princess Beatrice/Eugenie, the one who looks like a young Prince Andrew in drag, that one, she was wearing a hat that looked like an alien placenta on LSD!

Anna Grace said...

So you finally decide to post. I get bored Gledwood, I wait all fucking day to read the words you put up.

Yet, then again if you haven't a thing to say? I still say you must post. Whenever I ask you to post. Just kidding.

Sucks being so down in mood. I'm in constant anxiety waiting to get the Methadone. Withdralws are kicking in.

OH fuck, and then there is my dad's pills.

I'll hand you the knife and you can kill me. My jugular is right on the side of my neck. Just slice my throat.

Syd said...

I didn't watch the wedding. The hats were enough for me. Who dreams up these fashions?

Gledwood said...

Anna: I had nothing to post all day I was so down. So bored.

You should be able to hold yourself on barely any methadone if you've only got a baby habit back...

Anna Darling I'm supposed to be the murder victim not the murderER I'd never do murder in my life.


Syd: how could you possibly miss the Event of the Century. I liked the Queen's bright yellow dress. Since the dumped that designer Normal Hartnell her fashion sense has jumped considerably. I hated the crap he designed for her. She looks far better now. She seems to have come into her own since her mother died, suspiciously...

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hey,
Hope all's well.
I saw a little bit of the wedding.
I don't watch much tv at all and I like the old b&w, low budget films best.
I do wish the best to your royals :)
j.

Danny said...

that is AMAZING info about kate's hooker past. and you heard this from someone else...that you know?...i.e. didn't somebody called valerie leave a comment the other day on Anna Grace's blog saying the same thing?

crack whore then, eh? she got the legs for it.

in regards your mania i have only felt something aproximating what your describing once or twice and most strongly when i was a teen. i remember i used to masturbate continually when i didn't cyle between lows and v.high highs. during the lows i found myself incapable of having a sexual thought. during the highs it would take me longer but then in the post ejaculation glow i would imagine i'd just done it with this old bird i fancied who always got the same bus as me, and that i had concieved the 2nd coming jesus with her....it was all in black and white too.

some attribute these manic episodes to the 'kundalini rising' - the kundalini being some inner light, inner spirit balls that rises up your spine activating all your chakras on the way...this is what is supposed to have happened to david shayler, ex mi6 whistleblower that started talking on 9/11 conspiracies and now smokes 'induestrial quantaties' of hash every day and is now, as we speak in the process of switching genders, trans-sexual like.

60's lsd guru timothy leary said schizos were, what he called, 'frutants'...meaning they were future-mutants, a human born too soon in the evelutionary process...and that today's 'mad' is not neccessarily tomorrows, basically.

am on the same page with you, or at least readingthe same book, when it comes to suicide. i see it as not so much killing yourself for a particular or even abstract reason, 'my wife left me/i'm sad', but just like those people that leave london and emmigrate to the south of france, it is an emmigration from the human condition and all the shit and heartache that comes with it. that's all it is: an emmigration of the soul!

Akelamalu said...

You frighten me when you talk about wanting to die Gleds :(

I watched the wedding and enjoyed every minute of it, apart from watching that whore bitch Camilla sitting up at the front with that waste of space Charles.

Baino said...

Yeh, enough about the suicidal shit. Remember, misery loves company . . find some brighter company

bugerlugs63 said...

just read somewhere that in 1800's or 1600's cant remember but . . .if one attempted suicide one could face the death penalty . . .
jolly good idea i think . . .as in
"O u wanna die? but u not sure how to do it? here y'are, I'll show u . . .bang!!!"
maybe folk think twice before they "attempt" it, or make sure they succeed at least.
;-)

back later, gotta catch up on a week of you . . not been about . .
but u sounding happier on this post
must be the gear <3
take care
with love
x

Brother Frankie said...

Do not self publish or I shall COME BACK AND HAUNT YOU. LOL this proves your very sane my friend..

also, if you were born in 60BC there is a slight chance you would have been one of the three wise men.. :)

u r loved
Brother Frankie

Brother Frankie said...

syd: u always say it so well.. it was a mad hatter party.. (i did not watch by the way)

Gledwood said...

DANNY: I once took a capsule that supposedly had MDA in it. Whatever it was felt really nice and more to the point gave me this feeing of blue light rising up my spine which I heard was kundalini. We used to do siddha yoga which was all to do with kundalini but they were strictly against drugs of all kinds.

That manic thing is very weird. All this energy comes from nowhere! So where's it all gone now I'd like to know! And why won't it come back in bite-sized amounts. Instead of deluging me then withering up like a third world woman's bare breasts?

AKELAMALU: don't worry I've chucked suicidal ideation out the window. I'm trying to work out a way of living now, even though I dont feel like it too much it's very childish not to

BAINO: as MPs say "I refer the right honourable member to the reply I gave some moments ago"~!!

BUGGERLUGZ: those were the days!!

BROTHER FRANKIE: I'm definitely sane. That's why I feel like I've just woken up in a bath full of cold water.

Hey but I don't believe in ghosts so maybe ... o who cares!!!!

Anonymous said...

You do realize that Anna's book is self-published, right?

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood