HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Little Trotter Donkey and Little Trotter Horse

MY NUMBER ONE FAN accosted me in Iceland this morning, asking what I was looking for. I said "not pizza; it makes me feel sick" and he ushered me up the isles to the Pakistani takeaway I ordinarily buy.

My head was banging with classical tunes: TOM TOM POM DIDDLY OM POM POM! And I was in a dearly good hyper mood pinging up and down.

Two cups of black coffee were to blam. So I'm drinking it in even MORE moderation from henceforth on!

Later on some friends were meant to be back with some gear but it took them six and a half hours to sort this. They had ongoing health troubles of their own. So I forgave them. I was in a very good mood when finally they pulled up outside my house and dished up a £20 baggie of heroin wrapped in a £10 note! (The money was owed from times past...)

The action of waiting on heroin all afternoon had wound me up into a nasty irritable, anxious mood. Anxiety! Beyond the pale! That's why I took Valium and it helped. Then I realized my head really has been racing. And I'm in irritable, expansive moods, and no longer a depressed one!

It's way better than depression so I'm barely complaining about my woes. They've mostly gone now. What I need back is my fully elevated mood!

No, Anna Grace, I don't actually desire to go crazy. I wrote my words in a fit of despair, believing psychosis and happiness were inexorably intertwined and I'd no choice but o accept one without the other. All my life, I've never been happy. Never truly happy. Never serene. I've been high from a thousand causes. But happy and high aren't the same thing at all ...

Eventually X and Y returned; I had some heroin and it's calmed me down a bit. I had some drink and it did almost nothing. What is pink nothingdust? See my mind keeps racing into irrelevant corners. Over and over it goes again..(!)

I hope y'all are OK. I'll cut y'al off and leave it all there. Take care everybody. NO DEPRESSION FOR TWO DAYS NOW. WHOOPEEEEEE!!!

Here's my half-asleep mind-wondering version from earlier. Reproduced here purely for your entertainment value!!

I had what appeared to be twelve hours' wondrous sleep last night and woke up feeling wonderfully NORMAL. Not depressed any longer! I ran into the sea and recognized... nothing. I keep thinking of nuclear things. Like the nuclei keeping me safe. Sorry my mind is running off in all directions.

This morning I had a wonderful section. If I did a bit of shopping in Iceland. 2 black coffees were enough to set me off into racing elevated mood with me pinging up and down the isles. Classical music was coarsing through my head POM POM POM TIDDLY-OM POM POM!! Variety.

I told myself "you better be careful, security will be on your arse". Sure enough...

Little Trotter Donkey and Little Trotter Horse are in a good mood also. Clopping around their furry fields. Cantering and neighing and saying "hello! Hello!!"

Little Trotter Donkey!
Little Trotter Horse!!



Anna Grace said...

I never ment to imply it was bad to go crazy. I'd rather be crazy and out of mind than stuck in this reality. Genuis and maddness a very thin line.

As for my mean commenters I've decided I'd rather be hated for who I really am, than to be liked for what I am not.

And yes, I've been at my computer almost all day. God for the past three days its been my only entertainment.

Gledwood said...

I'm glad you see what I mean. I thought my madness was my coping mechanism. This is a shitty world we live in, I think people who go psychotic are out of this world because they have found a better world to be in, or a worse world, or a different world. But it's not this world, because they can't cope with this world.

Please coment again under my "normal mood" post. I put another question there for you in block caps....

Having said all I said about madness, I'd still far rather be happy in this world than confused in another world of madness's making. It sometimes feels like there's no real option anyhow. I never chose to be mentally ill or mad. If you could choose, then all good psychiatrists would go mad for one day, in order to see what life was like for their patients. At least I'm sure mine would...!!

Syd said...

Just stopping by to say hello. I am enjoying some serenity and relaxing. How can you tell what your moods really are with heroin, Valium, booze, etc.? I would not be able to sort out a thing.

Gledwood said...

I was a bit hyper and inconveniently anxious before the heroin and the valium. My system was heroin-clear before this afternoon; I'd gone 4 days without. I had some alcohol while I was anxious but it did nothing to clear it. Then with the Valium, which I took over an hour before the heroin, I was able to see that my thoughts were still racing a bit and that even though my mood was normal I still had "symptoms" that I just have to get used to. The heroin makes me a bit sleepy but I can tell the tangential thought I was getting was not heroin related; I've been on heroin for 10 years and it never made my mind race; it was still racing on heroin. The racing thoughts are just bipolar symptoms; they eventually just go away. They're a good sign really as they tend to mean the depressive episode is over with ;-)

Baino said...

Bad boy. I go away for three weeks and you're using again. Very bad. Good to see your moods are improving tho and documenting them is a good thing. Keep up the support network . . and stop the herion. Very bad. Very disappointed. Naughty, very naughty.

Gledwood said...

I know I only use because of the dysphoria I experience without it.

Of course force of habit is involved too, but I can quite easily cirumvent that. Knowing I'm going to feel a hell of a lot better all day on even a tiny dose of heroin makes it extremely temptng to use.

Problem is it doesnt deal with what I know my dr would call "disordered thoughts" which I'm getting again, about a month clear of risperidone. Which I only stopped taking as I thought it was keeping me in bipolar depression and I wanted a touch of "elevated mood" back. Ukh, how sad I know :-(



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood