WEDDING FEVER has hit Britain. I love it!!
10:07 Elton John came into the Abbey about 20 mins ago. Apparently guests are allowed in up to 11am.
I keep looking at those ladies in hats, wondering what they're going to do when they need the loo. There are, apparently, no "lavatories" available in Westminster Abbey.
Why are all those guests so early. Wouldn't you hang out in the park opposite with a White Cyder then dash in at the last minute? I would.
Why are the royal family departing in CARS. THE BRIDE IS SUPPOSED TO TRAVEL IN A GLASS COACH. THE REST OF THE ROYAL FAMILY TRAVEL IN OPEN CARRIAGES. They're going out in cars; back in carriages. You won't see a bloody thing.
10:12 Prince William has just left Clarence House. He's wearin red. O why o why did he have to go in a vulgar old CAR??!!
And poor Kate is only going to be the Dutchess of Cambridge not a princess. Stingy old Queen.
I was hoping for the title of Duke for myself (or Marquess at the very least). If they'd throw in a (gigantic) stately home I'd willingly accept.
O man I could do with a tin of corned beef. I'm so nervous.
10:15 now they're travelling through some old house. "The horseguards building".
Prince Harry wants be known as "the best man" usually they're known as the copanion of honour or something.
Past the Cenotaph. Lots of saluting going on. They're saluting the royal dead, apparently.
I can't believe they're travelling by car. Honestly. Why not be done with and go in my Aunty Ann's old banger? It's a mark II Ford Cortina. That would lower the tone even more. Wills and Harry are now trotting up to the abbey. We can see the bells from underneath.
When the service is complete there "will be a special peel lasting 3 hours". Yes Camilla Parker Bowles will be peeling an orange.
There are TREES up the abbey. Who planted them, I'd like to know.
Do you know what I'm going out for a fag. I can catch the bits I missed on the rerun. Hey I've found a £5er! Corned beef and cigs coming up!!
10:34 a bunch of nobodies turning up eg lady Sarah Chattham (who?)
10:35 Prince of Wales and Camilla Parker Bowles are leaving Clarence House.
10:44 HM the Queen is riding in a barely seethroughable car. Getting out. She's wearing yellow. Philip looks quite funky. My corned beef won't open properly so I tore it half open with bolt cutters and am excavating with a butter knife.
I notice the Queen kissed some nobody on both cheeks. Poor Camilla, the duchess of Cornwall just curtsied and the Queen briskly turned away!
10:51 Kate Middleton has just got in her giant car. The dress looks massive. If it doesn't have at LEAST a 20ft train I'll be livid. In fact it should match or outdo Diana's train EASILY. If it doesn't I'm writing in to complain.
Now the car is riding down the street. We can't see her we can only see the car. Thanks HM the Queen for putting such a boring day together.
10:58 Now they're driving through the old building. I just need a cigarette.
O man the car isn't full of dress. Dianas overflowed from the carriage. That means a pathetic train, I expect.
She's at the abbey. Her dad should get out first and help her out. Sarah Burton designed the dress, we have just been told.
O man the train is barely 10ft long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ivory and white satin gazelle, they seem to be saying. O Kate you should have got a bigger dress.
Cartier tiara. Loaned by the Queen (too stingy to give it away.)
My corned beef is all stuck in the tin.
Walking up the isle dad in hand. Silence. Hey they're GETTING MARRIED IN 5 MINS!!
Why all those ridiculous hymns in the service. If it were mine I'd have the choir sing the song. Not a load of halfwitted celebrities, military top brass, diplomats, foreign heads of state and British royalty dirging away at the psalms.
Am I the only one who thinks this is very toned down? I was expecting glass carriages, soldiers dressed up like a pack of playing cards, hysterical screaming and a ONE HUNDRED FOOT LONG TRAIN.
A drunk Princess Margaret is another glaring ommission. God rest her soul.
11:08 Wills Harry Kate and her dad standing in line at the altar. Harry looks really embarrassed. He is blushing like a babboon's backside.
11:09 o man FUCKING HYMNS. Cut all this timewasting PLEASE and GET MARRIED.
11:13 who on earth is this man reading out this stuff about marriage's holy estate? Is that the archbishop of Canterbury.
It sounds like the AB of C but that ginormous beard has gone. O the AB of C has appeared from nowhere.
11:17 now they're doing the vows.
11:20 where was the line "I now pronounce you man and wife"? Are they married or not? They've done the vows. The ring is on. Now ANOTHER BORING HYMN.
I'm reading Anna Grace's blog about a woman shitting in the prison shower until this dirge is over.
Although jail was very boring, but there is a lot that goes on day to day that was abnormal. Like this old bitch that was in the Metal health unit with me and she was disgusting. She farted, didn't wear underwear or a bra, so you could spell her sticking pussy. She wouldn't even take a whores bath. Then her tits sagged down to her waist. Watching her eat made me sick to my stomach. Then there was the lady who was mentally retarded, who had put her kids in a dresser and set it on fire. She took a shit in the shower, and the guards tried to make me clean it up. I was like hell no, that's your job. The guards tried to tell me that I would get points as a good inmate. I asked would it get me out faster, they said nope. So I said fuck off and die asshole, you clean up that shit and blood. She was also on her period. That's another little taste of what I faced while in jail. BTW, all three of the retards kids died, but she was found not fit to stand trial, so she was waiting to be sent to the State Mental Institution.
Here on TV its all about the Royal Wedding. Just get that damn wedding over with, and why do us American's care. Its a different country. I'd much rather be English than American, so I shouldn't throw stones in a glass house. I'm mostly Irish, but no English blood that I know of. I haven't done my genealogical charting, but from what I've been told, I'm mostly Irish on both sides. I do like Irish accents. Its English, but you still can't understand them. I need a bloody fag. So I'm going to end this post.
11:31 What am I saying about choirs? Very gormless singing. Just hurry up and get MARRIED why don't you!!
I'm glad the year is not 1492, else I'd end up in the Tower for saying all this. Aristocrats like me got luxury accommodation up there, so I'd be OK, as long as I had a kilo of opium to pipe away on.
11:32 now yet another speech about marriage. From some man I haven't a clue who he is. He looks like he was picked up from a homeless shelter and quickly poshed up. I wonder if that one's had a drink or two this morning.
11:36 this same homeless man is STILL whittering away. Who the hell is he?
"The holy spirit is quickened within us and can refine our lives."... Platitudes galore.
11:38 some grey-clad nun type woman is sitting right by Wills? What is she doing there?
Oh he's not homeless. He's the Bishop of London.
11:39 and now yet more musical interludes. Honestly does this have to go on so long??!
1142 the choir are still moaning away. I'm making a strong black coffee. I need some relief from this.
11:44 yet another "spiritual" nobody from that tamborine-banging church they call the Established Church of England reading out the "Lord"'s prayer. Can't they make up their own words?
11:46 that idiotic Archbishop of Canterbury is on. Sorry if this report is boring. The SERVICE is dull beyond the pale. Blithering on and on about the spiritual unity betwixt Christ and his Church WELL NOT THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND, THAT'S FOR SURE. Endless petty repetitions. They could have condensed this guff down to 2 minutes. Cut out all the hymns and got married in 5 mins. I wonder if the Queen is nodding off..? She is after all 85 and must find her tolerance for bullshit diminishing considerably with age. Yeah probably she is asleep. Note the cameras aren't on her. O yes 11:48 they are. She looks suspiciously like she's just woken up. HM the Queen does have an exceptionally squeaky voice; she must be able to hit notes well in excess of a coloratura high F.
11:50 "let us pray" YET AGAIN!!! For crying out loud. I need heroin now. And it's that man who looks like he's out of prison on licence for a sexual offence who's doing the praying.
11:51 trumpet blasts. National Anthem. Hopefully it's all over. And why were they never pronounced man and wife? Are they still technically living in sin as of this moment? Her Majesty isn't singing the National Anthem; she's not allowed to.
11:53 "William and Catherine are now a married couple" AT LAST. They must sign 3 registers. 2 royal, one public. All this signing takes place in the chapel of St Gledwood the Confessor. Supposedly "the holiest part of the abbey" ~ as if any part is holy at all.
11:55 oh no the choir are about to burst into groaning yet again. Those schoolboys look dead embarrassed to be there in ruff collars. I wish my old dealer were on.
O I forgot I'd given up heroin. See how irksome stressfull life events are to the mental health? O I'm truly bored now I'm switching over. BBC2 has a film with a woman tipping her head back; ITV has a better picture than BBC so I've switched over; channel 4 has an advert with a kitten riding the back of a tortoise. I want to go back to bed now. I hate bank holidays. Just an excuse for nothingness, nothingness all day. Now I'm stressing about something to do with somebody else. Akkkh people people people. Spare a thought for Anna Grace she got a habit on 2g of heroin (one china white, one tar) and a few Dilaudid she got off a kindly old dr. Now she's living on her Dad's pain pills and dreading the day he gets back to find them gone.
12:01 I don't remember former Royal Weddings being as boring as this. Princess Eugenie is glancing about in confusion; I don't blame her.
12:02 all those bishoply nobodies are making their way to the Great West Door. Good sign. Means this church bollocks is nearly over and the carriage rides can begin. I only tuned in for the horse drawn carriages; I can't believe there were none in part one.
12:04 "The return of the Prince and Princess is heralded by fanfare" so she IS a princess. Good.
12:05 Aw the married couple ambulate slowly down the red carpet.
That fanfare was composed by an RAF pilot. Sounds like it too.
12:08 Hey the Happy Couple leave the church to roars, cheers and confetti. A spectacular carriage pulled by white donkies awaits them.
12:11 the donkies are trotting away to roars of enthusiasm and applause.
"Four windsor greys pulling the carriage"! Apparently they aren't donkies at all!
12:12 HM the Queen looks in a good mood.
12:13 Trotting up the road with the full playing card style military jingling behind.
12:14 Well i see why they arrived in cars now; it's all about contrast. Glittering donkey-drawn carriages. Lots of waving. Camilla Parker Bowles. Donkeys trotting all over the place.
MARRIED AT LONG LONG LAST!! SMILES AND CHEERS. HURRAH!
LAUGHING BUDDHA: TAPU
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