HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Succulent

I BOUGHT A RED-FLOWERING (green coloured) succulent today. It looks beautiful, with things that look like green bananas growing out of tubby tree trunks and the tiniest round red flowers popping out the top.

I've looked for a photo of one like it but can't find one.

I spoke to my Mum because it's mothers' day (and I didn't even know till it was too late to send a card). I think she was afraid of me moving into a care home because she thought it was a cop out. Or more to the point that I would find it hard to adapt to. (I actually found moving into a "normal" home hard to adapt to, believe it or not. That was four or five or more years ago and I'm doing no better now than when I moved in...)

She says sending cards is "just a waste of money". She always says that. I would have given her the plant if I'd seen her. She says she has Killer Fingers (or a killer thumb, to you Americans) that is the opposite of green fingers or a green thumb. She kills houseplants dead. I always preferred buying plants that were growing, it seems a shame to buy cut when you can buy a growing houseplant. Which is where I thought this "cactus" as the florists called it, would come in. I only hope I don't kill it now. I watered it for about a second under the running tap and was going to repeat that once weekly. Surely that won't be too much..?

OK I'm off now, I'm going to try and hunt for a picture that matches it but if I don't find one I hope y'all are having a nice weekend!

9 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

This makes me happy. And now I am off to tend to MY plants.
Love from Florida...M

Gledwood said...

Thanks, I've had to to open the curtains behind the TV so the poor thing can have some sunlight.

If I lived in Malta I'm sure it would grow in the back garden quite easily.

I just hope my toxic house doesn't kill it..!

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

We call it having a green thumb here in the states.

I have a green thumb and I think i might have your succulent. I have a photo of it on a blog post from a few weeks back.

Lovely flowers.

Just make sure its goes completely dry between waterings, and then give it a good soak.

Janice~

Gattina said...

That's good that you bought yourself a plant ! that cheers up, at least it should. Once a week should be enough especially when there is a cactus in !
I prefer a phone call to stupid cards, they anyway land in the bin right away !

Outdoor Toys said...

Hi,
This is quite a nice post. I really appreciate your work for putting this up and also presenting it in such a nice manner.
Well done..
:)

Jeannie said...

Sweet. I've killed cactus from over watering. Put it this way - they don't like wet feet.

My mother loves cards and I never remember to sent them.

Akelamalu said...

It's good that you spoke to your Mum on Mother's day even if you did forget to send a card. :)

You know most Mums say they didn't want a card when they didn't get one, it's to stop you feeling bad for forgetting - so remember next year. ;)

Gledwood said...

AKELAMALU: yeah I know my Mum is a bit contrary that way!

JEANNIE: it lives next to a window that mists up in the morning. Do you think that mist will be enough to water it..?

OUTDOOR: thank you whoever you are

GATTINA: that cactus has really brightened my mood. I really want to find out what it is now... you know I had an aloe vera for years as a child ~ never knew what it was till I was in my late 20s!

JANICE: I am coming over to have a look at this mysterious succulent!

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi,
I know your cactus is in the cactus hospital now, but hoping it will recover (they can be pretty hardy)
I agree with the others about the card, mothers talk practical but think sentiment.
best wishes,
j.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood