HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, April 09, 2011

I FOUND A 6ft long little trotter horse narrow cardboard tube ideal for tubby roborovski hamsters to ping along. It's lying up my street as we speak.

In the shop I purchased a Cadbury's Praline Flake bar and no cyder. I'm giving giving up alcohol a bash and I'm doing it cold turkey. Fed up of messing around. I calculated I was on just over 40 units of alcohol ~ that is 400 mls or 320 grams of neat alcohol ~ per week or three half-litre cans of cherry Fizz per week. I'm fed up of drinking alcohol. As my family put it, I know alcohol is not helping my depression at all. I know alcohol worsens bipolar, even in the relative moderation I drink it in... I know if it wasn't a problem there'd be no trouble giving it up for a year, so that's what I intend to do. A year on Pepsi Cola and tea and chocolate milk.

I'm still sleeping far too long. My head to my dreams dreams 12 hours to 16 hours a night and that's too long. I'm blushing like a babboon's backside over this embarrassment.

If I give up all illicit drugs I may be lucky enough to have a Positive Mood Swing (going UP) but there seems fat chance of that, I feel so sluggish and shamed.

Now I must ping off before this computer really starts misbehaving on me. Good luck to y'all and have a great weekend. And I'm sorry I couldn't find anything furry to post up!

XXXXXXX

7 comments:

Vincent said...

Hi dee ho Gleds mate. Good luck with the turkey :-)

I hope you have a good weekend too!
V.

Baino said...

Hiya. I think the more you sleep, the groggier you tend to feel. Six hours a night does it for me. Oh the spider is a Golden Orb taken on a macro setting. Loads of them around at the moment but such beautiful webs in the morning moisture. Had one crawling on my arm the other day after running into the web half an hour eariler, I'd been walking around for half an hour with a friggin huge fat spider somewhere in my hair. ARRRR

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Sounds like you are doing well, Gleds. Rooting for you.

Jeannie said...

Alcohol, at times, even in small amounts, throws me off so you might be very wise to give it up completely for a while. Give your body a chance to right itself with the meds they want you to try.

Anna Grace said...

I miss you. Sorry for not posting anything new. I've relapsed, but not that bad. Not using everyday, sorta like you, every once in a while. My tolerance is so high it takes at least .08mg to even feel it, and that's not even getting loaded. I miss the days when I had a low tolerance and could use 0.2mg and get loaded.

I'm glad everything went okay with you at the shrink's office. No straight jacket on you yet.

My opinon is that the Methadone is making you sleep so much. I slept up to 18 hours a day when I was on it.

Sorry I got a go. I got a dr. to prescribe me hydromorphne. He only gave me ten 2mg tablets. It took 5 at one time to get me high. At least I can feel it.

Your still my best online friend, and I miss you. Do you have your broad band back yet? Did you read my book and think it stinks. That was a non edited version. How embarrassing that I had you read it. Now you know how stupid I really am.

I want to kill myself.

Love you,
Anna Grace

bugerlugs63 said...

damn
wrote a "comment" quite a long one actually(unlike me) and as I am sneaking next doors signal its very on/off and although I kept copying when I lost the sig and got it back, it would not paste.
O well I write later. try stay outdoors in the good weather near water is brill. moving water even better. \i could sit by a stream all day.
Yes dump the booze, very good idea. Has a lot to answer for.
Howz Kenny?> has he transferred ward Yet. Hope he got bed near window with all this sun ;-)
send him my get well wishes.
I goitta get my son to put the photos I taken of Hamper pups on computer, somnewhere u can c them they so . . .silky and tiny and their ears!! one has 3 legs but she strong and happy so will keep eye on her.
Was so tempted to drink the other day as people inb my bro back garden eating and drinking, and I love that first merry "bit" but I remembered where it leads. Where there is an up there is a down!
Will pop back later as prob about to loose this all again!
Really hope u enjoying the sun and feeling at least Ok ish? (at least)
with love
xx

Syd said...

Good for you Gleds. I am glad that you have those goals of giving up alcohol and drugs.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood