HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Mop

YO WHATS UP DUDE. I'm watching the Wire learning American drug talk. I now know that a g-pack means something like an ounce or a thousand dollars worth of heroin or crack. Anna Grace put out a desperate shout on her blog for anyone to sell her some gear in Yuma, Arizona or New Mexico (somewhere down there) and got this message back:

Yo Babe dis Boomer from Yuma. I king o dis town. You want some Venom? I got da best Venom in Yuma. Dimes, twenties, you name it I do it for ya. You suck my cockie I giv y'all 50% discount. I'm only 13", dat be easy for a big ho like you to handle. I smear chocolate sauce on my cock and dip it in chocolate cheerios you lick that shit off. My cell number be 7252217 so gimme a tinkle any time, mothafucker

Anna said she laughed her head off and she's got depression worse than me. So Boomer did her a favour, even if he didn't supply her with "venom" (the local heroin brand). I hope Boomer isn't offended ...

I am up at 5:30am to clear and mop my floors for when the council rats lady comes round. I ain't got no rats but I did have a psychotic break and leave my house like a pigsty. The landlord came round when I was manic and hadn't slept for days. O man the look on his face was a picture to be observed! Then this mad lady came and asked whether I was in touch with mental health services. Did I have eyes on stalks or something? Far as I was concerned I was having a whale of a time. Only problem was I was too manic to think sentences. Just random words pinging back and forth across my brain and funny boing boing boing noises. When I got really manic the ceiling kept talking to me.

I could do with some mania back as I'm stuck in depression (still), sleeping ALL night long from as early as 5pm some nights... sleeping right through sometimes to 10am. When I wake up earlier, I just make up the "lost" sleep in the afternoon.

Reading back that "down but not out yet" post annoys me. My ranting about drugs drugs drugs and how much I love the needle and hate people who don't love it too (that was my point: being bundled together as "addicts" when our patterns of use and degree of dependence varies as much as red does from violet. The full spectrum.

I skipped day 2 of the Intuitive Recovery Course and regretted it instantly. The course tutor phoned me up and said I can still come to day 3 next week so I will. I felt like the biggest idiot for babying out like that. And I know I sound like a snob talking about the other people in there. I don't look down at them, more to the point I feel like they are looking down at me as the bigger fuck-up. And I don't relate to hardcore crack addiction. Shoplifting, robbing for crack. Crack is a high; heroin is a medicine. Heroin soothes me. Crack just winds me up. I don't know why I was sounding off so empty like that but it's just how I feel and I felt very uncomfortable that my heartfelt answers were unacceptable. I use not to feel high but to feel OK, maybe an exaggerated OK. That's why I call it medicine. That's no excuse to use, but it is my reason. Heroin smoothed out my mood swings dramatically from day one.

Yes I was having mood swings that seemed suspiciously "bipolar" long before I ever medicated them with heroin. Only difference then was the downs went further down than the fleeting high ever lifted me up. It was early this year that I had a full blown mania with no drugs to blame and no withdrawal. I was no longer medicating with heroin so the only medicine in my system was methadone and methadone never cut it mental-problems-wise. Hence my continual use of heroin. Anyway this mania took me way up high. The doctors saw it (there was no hiding it). One doctor saw me when I was so out of it I couldn't even answer a straight question without babbling on 234 subjects I thought were desperately pertinent to what had been asked. They kept cutting me short saying I was "derailing topic".

Why am I babbling away on this. O yeah because I got to mop my floor and I don't want to. I'm having a cigarette now. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it. How I'm ever going to live my life off drink and drugs I have no idea and there's no heroin coming today. I've had an alcoholic drink and I've had caffeine. Caffeine does nothing for me when Im down, but when I was high I had this thing going on that coffee comes from Colombia, so does cocaine, there's cocaine in my coffee ~ that's why I feel so high. I also thought (or more to the point felt) that I was turning into electricity.

Well I've got to run. Take care y'all and hi Boomer.

Illustrated: this mop is far more clean and white than mine!

11 comments:

Jeannie said...

Good luck with the council lady.

Hope your depression lifts a bit. I wonder if it's a bit of a relief to know that your moods are seemingly unrelated to life in general and instead your own chemicals rushing about.

Gledwood said...

I wish I could get that mania back. That was related to supreme amounts of power going through me. Now I'm powerless and fucked. You're right it is mostly chemicals, I know it is because my mood goes up or down irrespective of what's going on in my life.

Gattina said...

Take the mop and forget the drugs for a while and go to your Recovery Course if you want to get out of this hell !

Z said...

When I started watching The Wire I had to put on subtitles - pretty well all I understood was "Yo" and "motherfucka" which didn't quite give all the plot - though enough to follow! Brilliant programme and I later got the box set too, and it's even better second time round. Do get all the series when you can - and when you get to the first few minutes (before the credits) of Series 3 Episode 1, it's the funniest scene ever.

Caren Erin said...

I'm just commenting this one real quick to make sure it goes through. I sometimes write a long comment and it won't save

Anna Grace said...

Sorry, I was signed in by my moms blog name, caren erin. It was me Anna. I'm glad I signed my name at the end of that last comment.

Anonymous said...

God damn it, I left a long comment and again it didn't show up.

I can't remember exactly what I said, but I do remember saying, you should get on mood stablizers and anitdepessants, along with antiphycotics. I'm on all those medications, and I still get manic episodes, and I still get depressed, its just I have more smooth days. Like normal people have. What if you don't get on medications and you totally lose it?

I'm in a much better mood, because I found Mexican Black Tar H, and a nice dr. wrote me out a prescription of Dilauded. It has elevated my depression. Thank God for Boomer comming through. LOL! I did have to do something with his chocolate covered penis. Oh God, what will people reading this think?

I bought a gram for 130 USD. Its some great dope. As I assumed its not cut to shit. I did a hit of about .02 and it almost knocked me out. I had to fix in my juggular vein because the needle on the syringe wasn't long enough to get into my other scared veins.

I've been thinking of you a lot lately. I really want you to feel better, and I know you want that natural high you get from a phycotic mania(spelling wrong)I just don't want you to get put on
Thorizine or Haldol because you've gone too crazy. When I was put on Haldol when in jail, it make me drool, made me unable to talk clearly, along with a few other unwanted side affects. It did help me sleep though which I had a problem doing in jail. It doesn't sound like you need more sleep.

I wish we could meet and comfort eachother. I really think the world of you. Your sweet as can be. I admire how you can describe your moods, and feelings so clearly, and elegently(another spelling error). I wish I had your writing skills. Perhaps my book wouldn't be pure shit.

All my love
Anna

Gledwood said...

GATTINA: this hell will never end, because it's me, it's inside me and I've never been happy since childhood.

I did mop the floor though. It looks beautiful and clear and the council woman said at least I'd made an effort

ANNA: the risperidone really put the breaks on my mania and I wonder why I bothered taking it now seeing as I was getting a free high and I love feeling high. I must have truly been crazy to want to medicate that.

The reason I went to the doctor about it was that I'd had mood swings for years and everybody had blamed all my problems on drugs when actually I took drugs BECAUSE OF THE PROBLEMS, dur. Heroin only smoothed everything out and I mean noticably. The biggest downer about heroin was that it put my mood on a flat line so I got hardly any euphoric days yet after a couple of years the depression came through again and I was miserable for years. Heroin still took the edge off it. The days when I tried to go on just methadone were sheer hell and it was NOT because methadone wasn't holding me I'm not stupid enough to leave myself sick on methadone. You take it when you need it, so I saved it for days I had to go without. I was way too down to go shoplifting so I just had to live within my means. I really wish I'd fucking ODd and died when the gear was strong enough to do that to me.

I get what you are saying but there's fat chance of any mania at the moment. Mania is the only thing I'm staying alive for, I don't care whether I lose it or not. Sorry if this sounds childish it's just true.

If you highlight and save your comments before sending them you can get them back again if the idiot system loses them. I learned to do that a long time ago after losing a few long ones

Gledwood said...

I'm glad you found some tar Anna. Please post about how you scored it etc etc. I'm not antidrugs any more. I want some drugs to kill myself.

I'm not taking any though, not if they're going to be piss weak. Only good thing about being depressed is I'm also more likely to kill myself, so it's all good

Syd said...

Glad that things worked out with the council lady.

Gledwood said...

Yeah she seemed really happy I'm suposed to be moving to a mental health house where everybody's mad like me!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood