YO WHATS UP DUDE. I'm watching the Wire learning American drug talk. I now know that a g-pack means something like an ounce or a thousand dollars worth of heroin or crack. Anna Grace put out a desperate shout on her blog for anyone to sell her some gear in Yuma, Arizona or New Mexico (somewhere down there) and got this message back:
Yo Babe dis Boomer from Yuma. I king o dis town. You want some Venom? I got da best Venom in Yuma. Dimes, twenties, you name it I do it for ya. You suck my cockie I giv y'all 50% discount. I'm only 13", dat be easy for a big ho like you to handle. I smear chocolate sauce on my cock and dip it in chocolate cheerios you lick that shit off. My cell number be 7252217 so gimme a tinkle any time, mothafucker
Anna said she laughed her head off and she's got depression worse than me. So Boomer did her a favour, even if he didn't supply her with "venom" (the local heroin brand). I hope Boomer isn't offended ...
I am up at 5:30am to clear and mop my floors for when the council rats lady comes round. I ain't got no rats but I did have a psychotic break and leave my house like a pigsty. The landlord came round when I was manic and hadn't slept for days. O man the look on his face was a picture to be observed! Then this mad lady came and asked whether I was in touch with mental health services. Did I have eyes on stalks or something? Far as I was concerned I was having a whale of a time. Only problem was I was too manic to think sentences. Just random words pinging back and forth across my brain and funny boing boing boing noises. When I got really manic the ceiling kept talking to me.
I could do with some mania back as I'm stuck in depression (still), sleeping ALL night long from as early as 5pm some nights... sleeping right through sometimes to 10am. When I wake up earlier, I just make up the "lost" sleep in the afternoon.
Reading back that "down but not out yet" post annoys me. My ranting about drugs drugs drugs and how much I love the needle and hate people who don't love it too (that was my point: being bundled together as "addicts" when our patterns of use and degree of dependence varies as much as red does from violet. The full spectrum.
I skipped day 2 of the Intuitive Recovery Course and regretted it instantly. The course tutor phoned me up and said I can still come to day 3 next week so I will. I felt like the biggest idiot for babying out like that. And I know I sound like a snob talking about the other people in there. I don't look down at them, more to the point I feel like they are looking down at me as the bigger fuck-up. And I don't relate to hardcore crack addiction. Shoplifting, robbing for crack. Crack is a high; heroin is a medicine. Heroin soothes me. Crack just winds me up. I don't know why I was sounding off so empty like that but it's just how I feel and I felt very uncomfortable that my heartfelt answers were unacceptable. I use not to feel high but to feel OK, maybe an exaggerated OK. That's why I call it medicine. That's no excuse to use, but it is my reason. Heroin smoothed out my mood swings dramatically from day one.
Yes I was having mood swings that seemed suspiciously "bipolar" long before I ever medicated them with heroin. Only difference then was the downs went further down than the fleeting high ever lifted me up. It was early this year that I had a full blown mania with no drugs to blame and no withdrawal. I was no longer medicating with heroin so the only medicine in my system was methadone and methadone never cut it mental-problems-wise. Hence my continual use of heroin. Anyway this mania took me way up high. The doctors saw it (there was no hiding it). One doctor saw me when I was so out of it I couldn't even answer a straight question without babbling on 234 subjects I thought were desperately pertinent to what had been asked. They kept cutting me short saying I was "derailing topic".
Why am I babbling away on this. O yeah because I got to mop my floor and I don't want to. I'm having a cigarette now. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it. How I'm ever going to live my life off drink and drugs I have no idea and there's no heroin coming today. I've had an alcoholic drink and I've had caffeine. Caffeine does nothing for me when Im down, but when I was high I had this thing going on that coffee comes from Colombia, so does cocaine, there's cocaine in my coffee ~ that's why I feel so high. I also thought (or more to the point felt) that I was turning into electricity.
Well I've got to run. Take care y'all and hi Boomer.
Illustrated: this mop is far more clean and white than mine!
It was Christmas eve in a war zone - I just about managed to rise this morning but shining is still a long way off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I had my usual stress dream last night....
19 hours ago