HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Prewedding Jitters and a Foggy Head!

IT'S LATE. My body is exhausted. I slept nearly 12 hours last night and feel like I'll do another twelve tonight. I woke up with my head all foggy or confused. My thoughts were sticking together. I did a lot of pottering around today and my head is all over the place. It feels good though. Feels a whole lot better than being depressed, so I'm not coplaining. My doctor would want me to take the risperidone pills, I know. Probably they would make my head clearer. But then I'd feel flat and down. I'd rather be pleasantly addled than dullly down.

Sorry there's no great revelations here. This post is more for me, not you. I'm supposed to be keeping track of my sleep and moods; it's for this reason I blog such stuff every day. Not the generalized excitement I know such revelations shall provoke in y'all!

I would say "I hope your day was more exciting than mine" because I know my day sounds extremely mundane. But it was actually quite good. I couldn't focus on anything much, but I enjoyed having a plethora of things in upon which not to zero! A flotilla of thoughts bobbing in my head! I like thinking. I hadn't realized I'd been doing so little of it over the weeks. I must have; for now I feel full of cognition and it feels good.

I'm glad I didn't post earlier. There's a good chance I'd have pasted up a story about Little Trotter Donkey and Little Trotter Horse and a wasp! Told you I was in an entertaining mood today. If you want to hear the story I'll refine it and slap it up in a couple of days' time. What role the wasp plays I'm not too sure; I just liked the name Little Buzzer Hornet(!!)

I have to go: my poor body is exhausted. Gone with the Wind is booming away from the next room. I intend to get up as early as I can tomorrow.

Spare a thought for Wills and Kate. Rehearsing their wedding over and over, so some archbishop-of-cantobratorial-type person reveals on Radio 4. Wouldn't you be a bundle of nerves if you knew you were getting wed in front of a billion folks gawking at their TVs across the world in only three days' time (a day and a half now!)? I would. I wonder if they've given her Valium? Probably in this day and age it'd be low-dose antipsychotics: Seroquel/quetiapine or something similar!

Wills was born into the Royal Family. Destined for greatness, as it were. Middle-class Middleton just thought she was going to an obscure Scottish university where courses last a year longer than in England. Little did she know she'd snag the future King! I'm sure in this day and age they're giving her medication to cope. Imagine if you ran to a psychiatrist confessing you were marrying a prince and destined to become future queen of England? You'd be diagnosed with a Delusional Disorder, slapped on high-dose olanzopine/Zyprexa and offered a preremptory course in person-centred counselling!

7 comments:

Danny said...

i think k.middleton knew rightly what she were destined for marrying into 'the firm'. after all these weirdo inbred royals are obsessed with bloodlines and would not have allowed her to be 'selected' if she didn't tick the right ancestral boxes. plus don't forget they're very distant cousins, just as bush 2 the dimwit former US president is a distant cousin of queen liz....yeah, man, they're a strange bunch, accroding to some they eat new born children to feed their otherworldly bloodlust!!!

PS left an example of what i meant by a 'Speedo vest' + some info on mephadrone over under the last comment you left at mine.

All the best, Gledwood, and glad you feel confusedly well today :)

Anna Grace said...

Glad your feeling good today. Those thoughts sound a lot like mania taking affect. Perhaps you'll not have anymore spells of depression. Maybe you found your happiness. Wish I were you today. As I stole more of my dads pills and swore to myself I wouldn't take them all today, but I did. Now my dad is going to go sick until May 6thish. I'm evil, and want to die. I should burn in hell.

Gledwood said...

ANNA: don't be ridiculous. Have you considered he might have actually left them out for you? He'd never condone using and never offer them to you, but maybe he left them out so that if you needed them they were there..?

I say this because you mentioned morphine locked in a safe..? Surely he still has that?

And he will get his pills back. All he needs to say is that he went away for a while, came back and somehow lost a month's supply.

In a young person with a history of drug abuse they'd never believe that, but as a one-off I'm sure he'd be issued with another script.

Maybe he will be pissed off, but he won't go sick, I'm sure. And you won't burn in hell. Hell doesn't exist. The only hell I know of is here and now, in this lifetime!

DANNY: o wow I'm going to come over and have a look at this speedo vest. I have never heard of one before.

Is Middle-Class Middleton really related to the Queen? Wow! My Gran did some research into our family and we never came up with a distant match even to aristocracy, let alone royalty!

Though there was a great deal of money on the OTHER side of my family in the 1600s.

My step relatives are highly royal though!!

jams o donnell said...

Ah the Royal wedding. For me it has the effect of several sleeping pills!

Gledwood said...

No Valium required then!!

Akelamalu said...

Glad you're feeling better Gleds.

I hope Kate will be happier than Diana was married to that tosser Charles. :(

Gledwood said...

Prince Charles a tosser? Really!! Off with your head!!!! I think you said that b4. Charles is the only royal I really like for himself. A truly interesting person. I can't wait till he's king. And I don't believe his relationship with Camilla broke up him and Diana. Of course I know nothing about that situation but would imagine it has far more to do with Diana than Charles; if not 50:50.

ROYAL WEDDING; ROYAL WEDDING!!!

I CAN'T WAIT!!!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood