HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Thunder

IT IS QUARTER TO EIGHT. I am in a thunderous mood and the weather matches it. Lightning. I thought I felt OK earlier, then I went out and came back feeling lousy. I don't know why. I slept 5 and a half hours last night and thought that was really good. I'm doing all I can to sleep as little as possible on the theory that it might make me feel better.

I never bought any gear today even though I have 30something pounds on me. Heroin will still be there next week. What's the difference between using it today and then. Since I don't intend to be using it in the future, I may as well make that future start today. Which makes me want to curl up and die. When I gave up before I was all over the place. Now I'm perfectly sane. All I want is my elevated mood back. That's the only hope I live for. The elevated mood felt better than any drugs; it was longer-lasting and free. That is my only hope.

I'm watching some film called Mary of Scotland starring Katherine Hepburn. I can't believe I paid good money for it. I wasn't even on drugs. There's such a lousy DVD selection in Sainsbury's that one stood out in comparison to the rest of the schlock on offer.

There's nothing else to write about. I bought cold roast chicken from Waitrose but it was horribly flat in flavour compared to Sainsbury's over-industrialized salt-and-glucose version. I prefer the artificial flavouring. Maybe I'll buy one of those £1 dried noodle bowls to chop it up and shove in.

All I'm thinking about today is my drug of choice, wishing the supermarkets sold it at £1 per 1000mg pure heroin hydrochloride. Then you could have a raging habit on 50p a day. If everyone was on heroin this country would be OK. Heroin never caused me any problems. It's just the other stuff surrounding it that did.

I'm so angry with those half-arsed criminals who couldn't even assure a constant supply to this island for the past 5 months. I'd rather stop than be beholden to them. I'd rather die. The main attraction of heroin was that it was deadly. And sure enough more than half of the old crowd I knew seem to be dead. It often has more to do with alcohol, poor diet and lifestyle and the steady consumtion of crack. But they're gone.

I wish I had no feelings. I feel very deeply hurt.

O man this film is awful. Gotta go. Hope Eggster or the Passover is tolerable wherever you are.

12 comments:

Anna Grace said...

I'm so sorry you feel hurt.

The Heroin was white, with specks of brown in it. The middle man bought ten grams, and I bought one gram. So I watched as he weighed out the baggies, then reset the scale, put the gear on it, and sure enough 11 grams. Then I sat there while the middle man put 10 grams in little baggies of .02g, which took forever. I don't know how they tie those little knots so tight.
Here you can tell your dope has been cut when it comes in tinfoil.

Taking a break wanted or unwanted from dope is so bleak. I eat up Vailum like they're going out of style, and I take Ambien to try to fall asleep, and it has a paridoxial effect.

Tomorrow is Easter for us, not looking forward to that.

Gledwood said...

Have you used up all that gram already? Wow. What am I saying I used to use up a gram in a day easily. When I was bingeing I did a gram each morning before I left the house.

The one thing about Easter I don't mind now is the Bible-bashing TV programmes about the ancient world, I quite like them, never used to watch them

And there should be a good film on. Somewhere. If I ever get round to checking the TV guide

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

I hope you feel better soon. Happy Easter.

Janice~

Sid said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rosie said...

Do you draw? I mean pencil, paper...?

Anna Grace said...

Post something new, so when I come back from Easter Lunch I have something to read. Also could you put up a button so I can get your blog emailed to me. Just go to gadgets and I think its right up top.

I didn't use up the whole gram. I'm using as little as possiable to keep my mood up, and not go out on the nod. My dad is around and would notice me nodding for sure.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Oh, Gleds, I hope your Easter Sunday has been better than Saturday! Simi and I are thinking of you. xx woof!

Gledwood said...

JANICE: i kind of feel better depressed-wise but not somehow right. i don't know how. if i could explain i would!!

ROSIE: i wish i could draw. properly. strange you ask that i posted drawings up today (on youtube) that somebody else did during a psychotic break they're fantastic

ANNA: i've posted it up, try and tell me what you think of the manic art

PAT: easter was brilliant because i did it on nothing but coffee and natural sleep!!!!!

Rosie said...

I think you could probably draw very well seeing the stuff that comes through your words. I get antidepreesents shoved at me from time to time but I haven't taken them for ages because they kill any creativity, drawing, music, writing, everything. It's interesting that most creative people are thought mentally unstable by everybody else.

Gledwood said...

I have a painting easel but no paints. I need canvas or board as well. Then I was going to try painting some 2x2ft panels for my walls. I think I'd be better at painting than drawing and I could do with some decorations...

Rosie said...

Just get some really cheap fingerpaints and white or brown wrapping paper and start flinging paint.

Gledwood said...

That's a good idea. But I'd really like to paint in artist quality or at least student quality proper art materials as soon as possible. That way I know I can sell my shit in a professional gallery. I'd like to be painting million-pound canvases like that guy who auctioned about $200,000,000 of his own art just as the recession was taking hold....

One artist's style I particularly like is the graffiti-artist Banksy. If I could paint like that on canvas I'd be well made up!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood