IT IS QUARTER TO EIGHT. I am in a thunderous mood and the weather matches it. Lightning. I thought I felt OK earlier, then I went out and came back feeling lousy. I don't know why. I slept 5 and a half hours last night and thought that was really good. I'm doing all I can to sleep as little as possible on the theory that it might make me feel better.
I never bought any gear today even though I have 30something pounds on me. Heroin will still be there next week. What's the difference between using it today and then. Since I don't intend to be using it in the future, I may as well make that future start today. Which makes me want to curl up and die. When I gave up before I was all over the place. Now I'm perfectly sane. All I want is my elevated mood back. That's the only hope I live for. The elevated mood felt better than any drugs; it was longer-lasting and free. That is my only hope.
I'm watching some film called Mary of Scotland starring Katherine Hepburn. I can't believe I paid good money for it. I wasn't even on drugs. There's such a lousy DVD selection in Sainsbury's that one stood out in comparison to the rest of the schlock on offer.
There's nothing else to write about. I bought cold roast chicken from Waitrose but it was horribly flat in flavour compared to Sainsbury's over-industrialized salt-and-glucose version. I prefer the artificial flavouring. Maybe I'll buy one of those £1 dried noodle bowls to chop it up and shove in.
All I'm thinking about today is my drug of choice, wishing the supermarkets sold it at £1 per 1000mg pure heroin hydrochloride. Then you could have a raging habit on 50p a day. If everyone was on heroin this country would be OK. Heroin never caused me any problems. It's just the other stuff surrounding it that did.
I'm so angry with those half-arsed criminals who couldn't even assure a constant supply to this island for the past 5 months. I'd rather stop than be beholden to them. I'd rather die. The main attraction of heroin was that it was deadly. And sure enough more than half of the old crowd I knew seem to be dead. It often has more to do with alcohol, poor diet and lifestyle and the steady consumtion of crack. But they're gone.
I wish I had no feelings. I feel very deeply hurt.
O man this film is awful. Gotta go. Hope Eggster or the Passover is tolerable wherever you are.
The one about hearts and wind - What is a girl to do when she wants to keep her face out of the sun? Rest Husband's hat over it. But it's windy in the Canaries and in danger of being blown ...
4 hours ago