HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 18, 2011

No Crack Cocaine

SOMEONE WAS SMOKING CRACK right in front of me today and it didn't trouble me too much. He offered me a pipe and I refused. Crack plays havoc with mood, brings on or worsens psychosis. With problems like mine, it's the last thing I'd choose to use.

I did use heroin. I'm using it as an antidepressant because despite my mood picking up a bit over the weekend I'm still feeling down. I look to tomorrow and can't handle the thought of honouring any commitments. Not even going to the drug clinic on the 21st. I can't handle the idea of doing anything. When I'm with people I find it slightly stressful talking to them, but I feel better for being in thier company eventually, because they're my friends. Then I'm scared of them leaving me, of being on my own. I don't know what's happening.

I was so vehemently antidrugs not even two months ago, but I had a naturally "elevated mood" back then. I called it my "higher power"; my psychiatrist called it mania; NA called it crack addiction and backhandedly called me a liar for declaring myself crack-clean ~ which I was very much so back then; I've barely smoked any crack at all since new year going into 2009.

I missed NA tonight because I was with friends but they said there's a meeting in Central London they'd be willing to go to with me next week, so maybe we'll do that. Not much else to say; my brains have turned to porridge. I have to go; I just washed my hair for the first time in a fortnight and it's dripping all over me.

I suppose I crossed a bridge today because I allowed someone to pipe right in front of me and barely craved a go. If only I could confine heroin to that same dustbin every other drug of my past lives has gone in: cannabis, ecstasy, mushrooms, ketamine, LSD (in no particular order) and so on... Nasty stuff all of it.

As my head-shrinker, who's a consultant psychiatrist specializing in addiction and mental health dual diagnosis, the one who diagnosed me schizoaffective said: "you and drugs and drink do not mix"...

Illustrated: crack cocaine as it's packaged and sold in many parts of the United States, in a vial containing about 0.3g or 0.4g, about £15-£20 worth of the drug in UK terms. I asked an American friend why the vials and he said "so you can see what you're getting". Good point. Here in London it comes clingfilmed up so you could be buying anything. Heroin bags (same principal; coloured polythene) were originally called "joeys". A joey meaning "a stupid person". When you buy drugs you're buying a proverbial pig in a poke. You don't really know what you're getting till you get it back and actually try it... lovely business, innit..?!?

CYMBALTA COMMERCIAL
Cymbalta is the antidepressant duloxetine. I like the little tonkie doggie.
But isn't this voice-over offputting!!


8 comments:

Tori said...

There are medications out there I don't know why they are not giving them to you. I know that you may have to take a few different ones but it would be better then you feeling like crap. I have read that H can stay in your system for at least one year for heavy long-time users but I don't know if that is true. But that you will continue to have side effects for that long they just get fewer and farther between. I am wondering if it is hard to pinpoint what could help you because you need to be totally clean for a long time so they can determine exactly what it is?

They won't touch my son as far as trying to give him something for his depression, anxiety, etc. until he is 100% clean for at least 30 days although he can take something to help wean him off the other drugs. They told him they thought he had an allergic reaction to weed and alcohol but since he won't stop either it makes him add in H, xanax and a few other things to try to feel normal. He says he needs all that stuff.

It seems like your mind plays tricks on you. And any drinking or any drug use is very harmful physcologically well you probably know that since you wrote that someone told you that. They told that to my son as well.

Have you given up? It seems like you have a fight within yourself of wanting to not use but that it makes you feel better for that moment and then it doesn't.

I know my son wants to stop but then he will replace it with something else and then will go right back to it. I feel so bad for you.

Anna Grace said...

I would estimate that the crack shown in your picture to be about 75.00 USD worth of Crack. About a quarter

I just found out that I don't leave Arizona until Wed. I thought I left tomorrow Tuesday.

I wish dr would prescribe opiates for mental anguish.

I wish we could chat.

Love you.

Coke Addiction Kinda Sucks said...

That's a very good sign when you don't even feel tempted (I wish I was at that stage!). I know you're thing was heroin, but still, kudos!
I used to attend some NA meetings in Florida when I lived there. I'm still not sure if it helped. What's your experience with it?

Anna Grace said...

You let the cat out of the bag. You wear glasses. Now I want you to look up a photo of Jeffery Dhamer... A serial killer from Wisconsin, and then look up Kurt Cobain, then tell me which one you look more like. Dhamer whore glasses, Kurt wore fake glasses. Horned rimmed. I like horn rimmed glasses the best. Jeffery Dhamer wore these 1980's glasses that every serial killer you see wears.


God damn it, I'm so curious as to what you look like. It nags at me sometimes.

I've alway been interested in people, but never liked them. I'm not sure if I'm just interested in you, or if I like you.

I do love the Gledwood I know. Which I imagine isn't too much. I'm sure your not allowing people to know every facet of your life. I want to know every facet of your life.

Why can't you be open and like I am?

I don't even know if your real name is Gledwood.

I'm sorry Gledwood, I just get in these moods. I want to know who my friend is, what he looks like, and is he even real?

Anna Grace said...

I'm just commenting to see if my photo shows up when I publish my comment. See I leave a photo. Okay I'm off it. Nevermind. Sorry. YOur probably sleeping right now.

Syd said...

Glad that you didn't do that crack. Listen to the psychiatrist about the drugs and drink. I can't imagine they will help your mood. Take care.

Anna Grace said...

I wish you had a smart phone so you'd know when I commented immediately. I want you to post something new. Its later there than here. What are you doing?

Anna Grace said...

Dude, you probably have an extra thirty hits on your blog today, I've been popping in on a regular basis waiting for your next post. Now I know how you feel when I don't post.
Its like we go through waning and waxing times of blogging, yours oppisate of mine.

I feel all alone in this world without you. Hopefully tomorrow or Thursday after I get home and get to see my friend(one friend)I won't feel so lonely. Isn't that sad I only have one friend, and she's a junky, all my other friends are clean and doing well for themselves and want nothing to do with me.

The one good thing about going back to Wisconsin tomorrow or today depending on when you read this, it will be cold so I can wear a sweat jacket to cover my arms, full of bruises, and tracks. I found a good new vein. Thank god, its on my arm. I thought all my viens on my arms were cashed, but I guess god grants some wishes.

I hope your alive. I worry that you've oded or killed yourself, or are in the nut house wishing you were out. I hope your manic and living high on your own mental illness.
XX

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood