I HAVE HAD NO HEROIN TODAY AND I FEEL VILE.
That is, I'm in a "low mood". I'm not clucking, not detoxing, methadone is holding me as well as it ever does.
I cleared up my room in one go. I knew that was the only way I'd get it done. It's far from perfect but I got an amazing amount done between 5 and 10 am. The council lady looked at me and said "you're not coping, are you?" and I said "no" (well I couldn't say yes could I?)
Then I vegetated in front of the television. I've managed to lose that box set of The Wire so there's nothing decent to watch.
This afternoon I slept for several hours. I went to bed around the time I decided against scoring gear, even though the idea was niggling at me. You have to understand if you're not a British heroin user that the quality of the drug on these shores has droped precipitously since there was a blighted opium harvest in Afghanistan last year. They say purity has fallen from 30 or 40% down to 13 or 14% but frankly I find it hard to believe it's even that strong.
Yesterday a friend brought some round after a two hour round trip involving frineds of friends and a trip to the edge of town. This is the best gear you can get and I barely felt it. If I hadn't been in mixed company I'd have banged up the entire £20 bag in one but didn't want the "be careful"s and tut-tutting this would invoke. I don't care if I die on heroin. If heroin wasn't deadly it wouldn't have been anything like the attraction it was to the young depressed me.
So I slept the same as I would have done on heroin but saved myself £20.
Then I went to the supermarket which I hate doing when I'm down I cannot decide what to buy, nothing inspires me and I feel stranded there. Miserable and exhausted with people rushing to the left and the right when all I want is to be home alone with the door locked and the world kept at bay.
Now I'm regretting not using.
I think heroin users should get death by firing squad for a first offence. Or if you think that sounds fascist, make it a voluntary death penalty. I'd volunteer. In fact, I'd be first in line.
It was Christmas eve in a war zone - I just about managed to rise this morning but shining is still a long way off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I had my usual stress dream last night....
8 hours ago