HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, April 02, 2011

No Broadband Still

MAYBE NOT HAVING BROADBAND has turned out to be a good thing; it means I'm overflowing with Things To Do for when I get it back. Reading Anna's book MS being the top priority. Anna wrote an entire book about her life. She has a doggie called Eleanor Rigby who appears in the coke binge. I'm not giving anything away Anna: that is the bit that came out on your blog, remember.

I keep hoping I'm in a better mood. E.g. when I woke up this morning splayed out backwards in an armchair I thought I was fine. Then I went out, got my methadone juice ~ back back BACK. Back to being tired. So it's three steps forward, two steps back.

I have been watching films on the German language setting to try and give myself an educational time. Night at the Museum II is good. Boogie Nights in German is classic. It reminds me of a film my exhousemate was watching once when we came round. That was called Total Anal 2 and featured some German dialogue. The word "ficken" came up a lot... And when I asked whether he'd seen Total Anal 1 he said no. I said won't that spoil the plot and he said "what plot!"

I keep thinking about crack cocaine. Crack, the scummiest drug on earth. Maybe it's because crack makes you REALLY high and I want to be high. Only problem with coke is, it's so jagged. Watching them snort away on Boogie nights you'd think it was some sort of Elixir of the Gods, not some horrible wiry uptight clenched in psychostimulant that just makes you extremely paranoid in the end. There were times on crack when I literally thought people were climbing the walls of my building to get in. No, I want a natural high (man).

Soon as I get broadband back I'll get back to everyone properly. Sorry if these posts have been unendingly dull for the past however long. Wasn't I more interesting ON drugs than off? See why I wasn't so much into stopping them? I felt like a black hole. Nothing there. That's why I pussyfooted around the issue of ever stopping heroin. There seemed nothing to stop FOR. Now I'm cleaner than I ever was before and more boring. And y'all wonder what I saw in heroin! It was the only thing that made life make sense. (How sad is that.) Then again if you think Life in this World is wonderful and you're not a heroin addict or certifiably insane, I think you SHOULD be certified ~ there surely is something wrong with you!

Well I have to go now, else I'll get terminated. Wishing y'all a cheery weekend :-)


Illustrated: this is allegedly a lorryload of cocaine!

4 comments:

Tori said...

Boogey Nights in German? That just cracks me up thinking about it.

And no you are not boring I love reading your posts!

have a great weekend.

Ozkatt said...

Hi Gleds

I've come back into your life!

No, you are not boring off drugs...in fact, you're making more sense. And if that's supposed to be a lorry load of drugs, I'm glad it's been found before it hits the streets.

Have a good week.

Hugs

Anna Grace said...

Gleds,
You blog is by no means boring since you stopped using Heroin. I think its more exciting to read, its just not drug porn any more, for those readers looking to get high off your high on Heroin.

I'm glad your so excited to read my book. As soon as you finish the part I sent you, I'll send you the end.

Don't get down on yourself. Your a good person. I know what you mean, not having Internet to play with, you get a lot more done, and socialzie with real people. I hate real people(aside from you)so I don't socilaize much.

My book comes out in August now. Make sure to buy a copy, send it to me, and I'll sign it for you, and send it back. Its a shitty book though, and I doubt I'll make the money back that I put into it getting it published.

Gledwood said...

Thanks everyone. Yeah I definitely want a paper copy Anna thanxx

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood