HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Tubby Entertainers


I'm a golden hamster...

I pack my pouches

I'm a tubby entertainer

I love nibbling things in my nest

After a big day pinging, I sleep like a tiny baby...



lizzydripping said...

wondered if you might find this OT's blog useful,knowing you struggle with your daily living skils
didn't really have time to post much earlier but now i'm home watching crap saturday night telly i have the time!
sounds like you are still struggling with your moods, have they reviewed your meds yet if not why not? tell that worker i said.....no not really but you should be able to get to a level you are comfortable with, life does not have to be such a struggle......have they offered you ways to fill your day i know voluntary work is shit but its really important to have meaningful activity what ever that maybe, hope i dont sound like i am preaching cos i am not it just makes me sad that you feel sad....that you talk about death and firing lines......
i do often read your posts just dont always have time to chat....plus my space bar is sort of broken so often words come out all joined up and it really pisses me off. as i have to go back through the text and smack the spacebar with real force to make a space......
love and respect to you

Gledwood said...

i stopped taking the risperidone because it does nothing to stop me being depressed at all and i thought it might give me more energy being off it

last time i saw the consultant he was talking about mood stabilizers but i don't want one if i can avoid it. if i do get one i want one like lamictal or whatever it's called, one that blocks depression but not mania. i want another manic episode. when i was manic i was antidrugs. i dont understand why on earth any manic person would feel the need to use drugs particularly uppers but statistically i heard bipolars are more likely to use drugs in an up phase than a down, now that sounds crazy to me

i only use heroin as an antidepressant. if i didn't feel depressed i'd have no need of it at all. it doesn't cure the depression but does make it about 50% better

antidepressants have disagreed with me vehemently in the past. prozac gives euphoria but also that akithisia thing so i'm literally so agitated i can't stay still for even a few seconds

i'm not hearing voices and i only feel slightly paranoid a tiny proportion of the time so i don't see why i need an antipsychotic. also that risperidone really worked strongly against the mania and i want the mania back again, i don't care if i lose it, it's better than being depressed. i do lose my temper when i'm manic (even when i'm on my own) but the mood is usually positive. now i go outside and feel like i'm wading through honey. i hate being wherever i am and just want to be home again.

i don't care about being clean at the moment. i'm more motivated to give up heroin because heroin acts as a mood stabilizer and i need a destabilized mood in order to get it high again

i know i probably sound like a real mess talking like this but i don't see any way out except by getting the mania back, that was the only time i have ever felt my true self and the only time i have ever felt truly positive and antidrugs

big irony was everyone at NA assumed i had to be using to be that hyped up. well i think they're a bunch of naive obsessives. i mean how naive do you have to be to believe that ALL happiness has to be drug-induced. it really begs the question why they bothered giving up in the first place. they're more than willing to believe i'm clean when i'm down, but not when i'm up. and i've noticed before they're crap at addressing mental health problems i'm really surprised not to have heard anyone talk about bipolar in "the rooms" as they say. quite possibly this has to do with every bipolar addict who's come in getting scared off by the utter lack of understanding and acceptance you get for having such a condition

i'm doing an antidrugs course 2 days a week for 2 weeks, it's only 2.5 hours but i'm so exhausted when i get back i just sleep. i'm sleeping hours and hours because i have no energy

my care has got transferred to this other borough where i saw this hostile nurse who had a go at me for using heroin then demanded to know why i was there. i said because i got a letter telling me to come. then he says he will get me a dr's appointment. so a totally wasted appointment, i needed to see a dr from day one, not some half arsed nurse

i don't have much faith in the mental health system all i want is to get my positive mood back, i don't care whether it's called a mental illness i'd rather be psychotic and happy than nonpsychotic and depressed. simple as

thanks for your comment

Syd said...

Really cute little critters.

Gledwood said...

I like the top photo. I was thinking of changing my Avatar to that :-)



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood