HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


EVERYTHING ABOUT MY BLOG IS ANNOYING ME. I regret I regret. I borrowed a fiver yesterday to score heroin. The main dealer was off, so I had to come round someone's house and let him buy crack with half the money then I took heroin from the other half. The gear was really tiny and really strong. For once. But it came from the local Baby Gangstas who I wont deal with. They're always rude to their customers and their bags are miniscule. Yesterday it just happened to be good gear but usually this one's is sub-standard so I won't deal with him. The number is in my phone but they employ so many people nobody knows who I am when I phone up.

I felt like such an idiot when dealer one was off I thought why am I doing this putting my happiness in the hands of cunts like these.

The answer is I have no happiness. I'm paying for something I wouldn't otherwise not have. Peace calm serenity. At the end of the day does it matter that it's false?

I had years of unhappiness before I found heroin. Nothing to take the unhappiness away. Heroin doesn't make me happy; it just makes me not unhappy.

Still I decided NOT to take it today. If I get more and more depressed, eventually I will kill myself. So it's all good.

What I want back is a manic episode like I had before. It's worth losing your mind to go happy for a bit. When I was full-on manic I could barely understand anything I read. If I could get back just a bit of that mania that would be cool.

I nearly had an argument over crack. A wanted me to buy crack not heroin and I went nuts. Why anybody would want to smoke crack is beyond me, it does almost nothing to you except make you feel jagged, anxious and paranoid.

Sorry to disappoint by talking about nothing but drugs but if I posted on myself, there would be nothing to post.

If you want to hear about my boring life it's 8:20 and I woke up sick, but I had a tiny bit of heroin dust that sorted me out. At 9am Iceland opens where I will buy curry and rice. I am starving. I'll get methadone round the corner. Then I will go home. I have nothing to do today so I will fester at home, like a running sore. Drooling pus. And I really need a cigarette.


Akelamalu said...

This is depressing to read Gleds so I feel for you actually going through this. x

Anna Grace said...

I love the imagery of you sitting at home.
I'm at the airport with 6mgs of Dilauded. I'm not sick, but sad. Hopefully it will take the sadness away for a bit.

This horriable person on my blog yet again questioned my use of opiates.

bugerlugs63 said...

I am actually a really nice person and did not question your use of opiates, just your use of the jugular, re-read my comments.
Sorry Gledwood to use your comment box to defend myself but I am one of the nicest people i know ;-)
Am keeping up with your blog still but not had internet available very often, so not much time to comment.
I know exactly how it is an antidepresant, after my smoke at night, I feel so good & make so many plans,and just wish i could wake up like that, but I never do and the "me" from the previous night seems so far away. Anyhow got millions to do as usual, all pups good, all cubs good,
take care
with love

Coke Addiction Kinda Sucks said...

Man, I totally hear you Brother. When you're a miserable bastard like me, any chance of a moment of non-unhappiness is appealing. Hang in there, man!

Gledwood said...

thank y'all

Syd said...

Well, Gleds, it is what it is.

the addict said...

You're not helping..

the addict said...

But you know what would help? Oh wait, yes you do know. Damnit!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood