EVERYTHING ABOUT MY BLOG IS ANNOYING ME. I regret I regret. I borrowed a fiver yesterday to score heroin. The main dealer was off, so I had to come round someone's house and let him buy crack with half the money then I took heroin from the other half. The gear was really tiny and really strong. For once. But it came from the local Baby Gangstas who I wont deal with. They're always rude to their customers and their bags are miniscule. Yesterday it just happened to be good gear but usually this one's is sub-standard so I won't deal with him. The number is in my phone but they employ so many people nobody knows who I am when I phone up.
I felt like such an idiot when dealer one was off I thought why am I doing this putting my happiness in the hands of cunts like these.
The answer is I have no happiness. I'm paying for something I wouldn't otherwise not have. Peace calm serenity. At the end of the day does it matter that it's false?
I had years of unhappiness before I found heroin. Nothing to take the unhappiness away. Heroin doesn't make me happy; it just makes me not unhappy.
Still I decided NOT to take it today. If I get more and more depressed, eventually I will kill myself. So it's all good.
What I want back is a manic episode like I had before. It's worth losing your mind to go happy for a bit. When I was full-on manic I could barely understand anything I read. If I could get back just a bit of that mania that would be cool.
I nearly had an argument over crack. A wanted me to buy crack not heroin and I went nuts. Why anybody would want to smoke crack is beyond me, it does almost nothing to you except make you feel jagged, anxious and paranoid.
Sorry to disappoint by talking about nothing but drugs but if I posted on myself, there would be nothing to post.
If you want to hear about my boring life it's 8:20 and I woke up sick, but I had a tiny bit of heroin dust that sorted me out. At 9am Iceland opens where I will buy curry and rice. I am starving. I'll get methadone round the corner. Then I will go home. I have nothing to do today so I will fester at home, like a running sore. Drooling pus. And I really need a cigarette.
It was Christmas eve in a war zone - I just about managed to rise this morning but shining is still a long way off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I had my usual stress dream last night....
19 hours ago