HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Plug Hole

6:22PM I'M IN A GOOD MOOD. Finally. I just took a £20 bag of gear. It looked more like a 15 and didn't smell too strong, but in tis day and age you gotta be grateful for whatever you can get.

I tasted a micro-drop and sure enough the strong acrid taste of Afghan B beautified me back... Which wound me up all the more veinstabbing wise.

I had a lucky feeling and sure enough after a handful of sticks in the usual places (legs only: arms dried up donkeys years ago)... I found a beautiful barely-touched surface vein at the top of my left thigh. And pyoinnngg! in it went like a yellow-arsed hornet into its paper-nest. I'd already skinpopped about 40%; in went 60% straight in and it's beautiful gear.

I needed that gear I really needed it. All the things I'm supposed to do to cheer myself up from depression: they just don't work. Or they even make me worse. I gave up drinking for over a month several years ago when that "alcohol is a depressant" line was being hammered into me over and over. No difference. I don't drink myself into a morose stupour; I drink mostly in the morning, to give me a lift. And it works. I drink in moderation because I don't want to be out of control, dislike being out of control and plan someday to keep to Narcotics Anonymous's vision of "clean". And that means no drink. No drugs. At all.

When I went downtown earlier on to score myself some roast chicken and cheese coleslaw and roll-on antiperspirant-deodorant rather than pushing up, my mood went down. The other people on the streets made me feel slightly paranoid. I don't clike crowds and I don't like people any more. I far prefer being on my own. I know it's "symptoms" of my "illness" but it's felt very deeply in fact.

So all these people were irritating me. I found what I wanted in the shop and used the electronic till. Their self-service counters are far better than Morrisons'. When my mood was yummy and "elevated" (as my shrink called it) I got a real buzz out of the boing boing pipp! sounds Sainsburys' machine makes in comparison to Morrisons' dullardly ones. Also Sainsburys don't insist something like ten washingn up sponges doesn't weigh the wrong amount because it practically weighs nothing. Only hitch was an electronic reprimand for putting my newspaper in with my coleslaw before I had paid.

I tried my #1 man but he was switched off. Still unable to reload on half-decent gear. Sad situation.

For all of 30 seconds I was wound up about this. Then I scored myself a white cyder instead. 85p for a little buzz seemed worth it.

Then I got home and stewed all over nothing. I mean literally there was no irritating or negative thought in my head, this was emotional not cognitive. Some film called The Princess Diaries or some such crap was on (Julie Andrews playing the queen). It's always a fictional version of Monaco named Bolvania, Molvania or something else that all sounds the same.

I couldn't get the negative feelings out of my head. I was irritated at Anna Grace's blog not because of Anna baby but because she's getting messed about by someone promising heroin who may or may not come through with what was offered. Also I am pretty sure she's being ripped off on price. I know very little about American heroin but nowhere I know of has gear weak enough that someone who not long ago detoxed and came off all opiates completely has gear weak enough that you'd have to contemplate hitting up eight points (0.8g) in one shot. Not even hardcore addicts take hits that big. My friend had a 3g a day habit from dealing years back and she took six half-gram hits. I've never known anybody take more than that in a hit which is why I mention taking 0.3. That was my old binge-mode dose and lately I've been hitting up that amount as a matter of course because we've had a Heroin Drought that still hasn't restored back to normal; the gear which used to be lovely. They said it averaged 46% in December 2009 ~ went down to 13% earlier this year.

Eventually after feeling sheer anger, just this miserable unfocused dull rage, I rang up a dealer who sold me absolute rubbish a few weeks ago when I was too mentally ill to care. It literally had no gear in it and he had the cheek to inform me that nobody else had complained. Probably because nobody else was low enough in his estimation to be sold trash like that. That's what I thought. Anyway this one finally said he had something decent so I had to go to a road near my house so his friend could drop it off to me.

I stood there feeling irritable, down and paranoid in a generalized way. I actually felt like I'd been piping (crack) which irritated me even more when I recalled how my old wellmeaning but typically uninformed druggieworker promised me my paranoia would go away when I gave up the pipe. And has it? No crack in weeks*. No crack at all during that psychotic breakdown. And paranoia worse than ever. Hallucinations most spectacular off drugs of my entire life. Manic mood swing so intense I felt literally on top of the universe and higher than I ever went on any drug, ever. All this on nothing. And they never listened. Never listened. Not one of them. When I told them again and again that I wasn't feeling right. And I was not right. For years and years.

So I took my irritable jagged jangling cracked out except not at all on crack self home and hit up this heroin and BINGO!! I'm magically cured. Heroin won this battle for me, but it's up to me to win the war.

So thats me done posting for today. I was partly annoyed because I was thinking of myself as mentally ill. Remember when I was having an "episode", rushing to get ready in time for NA and I heard 2 voices, one in each ear, saying "nervous breakdown" and "schizophrenia". I didn't cry then; but merely thinking seriously that I might have schizophrenia was enough to make me cry. And now I'm told I have not only schizophrenia but bipolar on top of it! That's what schizoaffective means. At first I just accepted that's me. Partially, as anyone would be, I was relieved just to have a name for this thing that has been bugging me for years that I knew wasn't depression, wasn't depression with psychotic features (as one dr suggested it might be), wasn't drug-psychosis (the dr who diagnosed me is a consultant psychiatrist who specializes in drugs cases: if anyone can tell the difference between drug-induced and "real" conditions, he can)... that it wasn't a personality disorder either... I was glad just to have a name, any name. I was ill enough to think it reminded me of a night-club ("schizo-disco") but too paranoid to post that little baby online. He explained to me "it's like manic depression and schizophrenia together" and I did cry afterwards. Because I'm scared of schizophrenia. I have never known anybody with bipolar well enough to have actually been with them and known they were having an episode.

But I've known a couple of people pretty well who had paranoid schizophrenia, so I knew what schizophrenia entailed and knew their medications worked. But they were never going to be normal, either one of them. They would be on medication on life and mentally disabled for life. And stuck on sickness benefits, for life. And I suppose it was right then that I saw any sense of any true recovery to what you would call good health... I saw it drain down the plug hole.

And glug glug glugg away, like the Devil laughing at me.

Illustrated: special sorts of donkeys

PS I hope this all makes sense, I'm not up for reading all my crap back. My attention span is going pretty dire. Again.

*I gave up crack for new year 2009 and have had a handful of pipes since mostly because i was weak enough to give into circumstance (someone else wanted to smoke it in front of me). i hate crack and never intend to do it again. the mere thought of crack makes me feel physically sick

RICHARD MARX: HAZARD
This is for you Anna Grace. Only song I can think of that you might like.
It's was going round my head at some time....




this version is far louder, for anyone who just wants the tune but no video



heroin? what am i doing on heroin? that's sad, sad, sad

21:02 INSPIRATIONAL LINK: American doctor Elizabeth Baxter, a psychiatrist who has schizoaffective disorder:
http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/content/37/2/5.1.full?maxtoshow=&HITS=10&hits=10&RESULTFORMAT=&fulltext=psychiatrist+with+schizoaffective+disorde%2520r&searchid=1098657466879_889&stored_search=&FIRSTINDEX=0&sortspec=relevance&journalcode=psychnews

Is schizoaffective disorder a gift:
http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-Schizoaffective-Disorder/108188
I like the last comment where the guy locks his furry doggie in the shower-room for protection. I wonder if it bays at the ghosts..?

i like the comments on this story
http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-Schizoaffective-Disorder/1187238


18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the song. I really enjoyed it. I'm on way to Chicago with the middle man to make sure I don't get ripped off. He promised me that I can go in and watch it be weighed, and can fix there and see if I still want to buy the gear.

So I won't be home for six hours. Three hours there three hours back.

Anna

Gledwood said...

good luck. be safe ;-)

if you're actually going to meet the dealer you should get his number too

then all this shitting around can cease

i'm not recommending you take gear but if you do you might as well get your money's worth, know what i mean

if you see it getting weighed you'll also know it hasn't been messed about with between you and the dealer, know what i mean

Z said...

Dear Gledwood, heroin has never sounded so appealing as the first part of that post. Not that I'm tempted, I'm way too sensible. Half a bottle of red is ample for me.

Whatever name your illness has, I hope that it can be stabilised. But whatever, I'm glad you are my friend. I like you very much.

Gledwood said...

thank you :-)

Cloudia said...

thank you for sharing your hard earned insight!



Comfort Spiral

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Gledwood said...

i'm glad you see it as insight i could call it a lot of things, most of which i shouldn't really say here!

i like those little patterns though Im not entirely sure what they mean :-)

Anonymous said...

What is bangers and mash? Govner.

DUTA said...

There are many people (me among them) who dislike crowds. It's not a disease or symptoms of a disease as some want you to believe. Besides, one should live the way it makes him feel good and comfortable.

Interesting video!

Gledwood said...

Anon: Sausages and mash potato!

Duta: I used to feel fine in crowds before I got ill and the symptom only comes back when I am ill (it's not there all the time) that's why it was pissing me off because I knew I wasn't right and my mood was falling whereas normally shopping would bring me up a bit or at least distract me, which video Richard Marx?

Gattina said...

I don't like crowds either, but you should try to get some "normal" friends, being alone is not good you analyse and observe yourself far too much !
I just got back from the French Riviera and feel homesick not because of the landscape but because of my friend Claudie and her family !

Gledwood said...

I was reading a schizoaffective site. I didn't think I had it, now I'm not so sure. I get too paranoid to meet people I havent really made any new friends in over 5 years and that's the same time as since all this mental stuff. I only analyse when I'm in the mood to I suppose I have to analyse to explain what I mean. When I'm on my own I wouldn't think about my own situation unless there was some reason for it bc it gets v boring thinking about yourself. I just want that mouse to come out again, the swine. I have been feeding it chicken bones! It's 11:23 in the morning on Easter Saturday or St George's Day or the Passover. 3 big holidays in one

bugerlugs63 said...

i think those pretty patterns r fish? thats what they look like 2 me, the comfort spiral thing.
I know u not got a garden, I thought u might be able to find someone who needs help with theirs?
no news still on the cactus, was it Colin?
x

Anna Grace said...

I've a question, when was the exact time you last used crack? In this post it sounds like you used it rather recently.

Oh dear Gledwood, in my blog I singled you out, and it may seem rude or mean, but I don't mean it to be. I know you believe me more than anyone else. You are the sweetest person I could have ever met on blogger.


I've gotten such rude and cruel comments that I disabled my anon comments. This one really did my head in. Thank God, I got the gear lastnight. It was nearly the exact time I was putting the needle into the cotton. I had tears welling up in my eyes, and when I finally hit the vein the comment didn't bother me so much, but this morning I had to take a bit to keep this saddness at bay.

If you want to know the exact details of my trip to score in Chicago just comment I shall tell it all. I covered a small part in my blog post.

My last comment I was so hyped up and sad, I don't even know what I said, aside from I like the song you put up for me.

thank you for being you. I hope you get what you need and want in life.

Gledwood said...

Buggerlugz: what spiral fish? i wrote a poem about fish in the sky, meaning the ripples in the river reflecting the sky made me see psychedelic fishes

Anna: I had a tiny bit in december but it was literally £5 worth, i wished i hadn't as i went mad a week later and it could have got blamed on that. luckily the dr saw it wasn't.

anyway i looked up the symptoms of drug induced mental illness there is drug induced mania, drug induced depression but no such thing as a drug induced bipolar that goes between high and low constantly like i do so there's no way it's drug induced yeah drugs contributed to the overall fucked up ness i know that but it's not "drug induced" also it's not drug psychosis either that has the positive symptoms of schizophrenia without the negative ones and i have the negative ones more than the positive ones. the negative symptoms are being "self-absorbed" and "apathetic"

why don't you post the whole story of scoring on your blog

i was going to suggest you anonymousproof your blog they hardly ever say anything worthwhile, what gets me is that they can't even think up a nickname so you know which anonymous is which

you do realize they're using the cheapest of cheap shots against you and it's really pathetic to call you fat when you're doing weightwatchers so successfully

and why would you care whether anyone believes you're a junkie? really it's a backhanded compliment saying you don't seem to be one

if you'd done ven more drugs back in the day youd just have done more prison time or ended up in hospital. i don't think you truly want "the life" meaning all that comes with heroin. i certainly don't

i decided i might give it a break and then if i want to go back, say in a year's time, i'll make it a project to get as many new dealers' numbers as possible

because as it is my old best ones are just unreliable now, only one of the entire lot serves up proper and he's switched off for days at a time while he "reloads"... looking for something good to reload rather

it never used to be like this

its all because we're an island, i cant believe my darling drug has been torn from me like this, thats why i want a manic episode back so badly i don't care for this world i'd rather be out of this world and mania is nothing if not out of this world... know what i mean!

i started hearing voices in my head again (a bit) so hopefully that is a good sign

Gledwood said...

correction: my head started speaking to me. i don't know what it is. maybe i'm becoming psychically charged again. i hope so

Sailor said...

great post, thankyou for being so honest it's very brave and i'm envious.

sweet h.. how can you tell someone free from pain finally, dreaming and wrapped in bliss that their cure is poison? the dichotomy is insane.. xx

mikimbizi said...

You got an amazing blog here. I have started to plough through its varied and rather unusual contents. Thanks for dropping in on my blog.

ciao.

Gledwood said...

SAILOR: you don't have to be envious of my straightforwardness. That's why I post under the portrait of a hamster, so people who know me in real life wouldn't recognize me.

I know of course exactly how it is when what kills you also cures you, thats why I feel stuck forever. And methadone is no better. That kills you just as quick, only it's a respectable death..!!

MIKIMBIZI: thanks and you're welcome here any time ;-)

Sorry it took so long to reply here. I was typically disorganized...!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood