HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Pre-Dumplings Posting

RIGHT THIS HAS TO BE PRETTY QUICK as I've a carrier bag full of stew ingredients all ready "for't pot" as they say up North. Beef cubes (so much more economical than stewing lamb I've finally got that fact through my thick skull: no sharp bones either! Though the robos used to like gnawing the cooked up sheep's vertebrae quite a lot. Last couple of times I made it I added tins of blackbeans as in Chinese beef with green pepper blackbean sauce egg fry rice - quite yummy. Only this time I've got intellectual butterbeans to see if they come out any better (canned so no 237-hour wait for the dry pulses to expand...)

What are you doing practically every day making stew? I hear you demand. Well what bloody else can you do with a slow stewing pot? Anyway I've enough 団子 mix (sorry I had an attack of the Japanese; that is dumplings mix) at home probably to capsize the Titanic if all said dumplings rolled out were placed on the decks one side...

By the way, click here for a very neat-and-perfect Japanese dumplings recipe!

Hmmm what a perfectly fascinating post this has been. Haha! Sorry but I have to go and try and wash up in ice-cold water. Ukk!!

***

Video:
Jeanette Dimech: Soy Rebelde

7 comments:

Liz Hinds said...

The thing with lamb though is that if you leave to cook slowly for ages, it gets sort of mushy and thick and soft and melty. I don't find that with beef. ASk your butcher for neck fillet - it's usually cheaper at the butchers than at supermarkets and it doesn't have bones.

What else? Oh, I love Victoria Wood. I have a CD of her at the Albert Hall and I can listen to it over and over again and it still makes me wet myself.

Oh, yes, Younger Son has Japanese/Chinese writing on his ankle. He has told me what it means - or what he thinks it means - but I can't remember and I always say, 'Well, it could say anything really!'

The Queen may not have walked out on the photo session but she was not amused! Was she?

And finally, it has always puzzled me when mothers say things like, 'My boy didn't join the army to get shot at,' or words to that effect. Why then did he join exactly? It is part of the deal, you know.

I'm commenting here, as you may have noticed, on lots of your posts as I'm on catch-up.

Take care, Gleds.

xx

Gledwood said...

Liz have you got a digital camera?

PLEASE get a photo and send it to the sun! Call yourself "Harvey from Wales!" then I'll know when I open my "fabulous 20p Sun" it's you!!!

you have to email features at the sun the address in yesterdays

Gledwood said...

O BTW I was doing neck of lamb before but they weren't selling fillets. Every section had massive vertebrae in the middle. Which meant only about 1/2 as much meat as it looked ...! :-<

Alexys Fairfield said...

Gleds,
Maybe you should write a cookbook?
What do you think?

Keshi said...

yum I luv stew!

Keshi.

Liz Hinds said...

Okay, I've emailed the photo off to the address you've given. I've signed it from harvey and said that I think it says Wales for the world cup. Let's see what they say!

It really says (or is supposed to say) self-knowledge comes from something or other.

Gledwood said...

Alexys: my Mum had an idea for a cookbook (it was a good idea as well) but the publishers put her off by saying unless you're an established food writer... blah blah no space in the market. If my memoirs does well then I might follow 'em up with a cookery book. There's loads of £££ in cookery!!!

Keshi: not sure what you'd think of my diarrhoeary last night's though!!!

Liz: wow! I wonder what they'll say... I've been looking out for their feature on Chinese tatts and they've not done one YET... surely they will as there must be enough mugs across Britain with totally duff "Chinese" tatts haha!

(Not that I'm calling your son a mug. But EYE wouldn't get a tattoo in a language I couldn't understand!!)

;->...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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