HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Authorship: Harvest Mouse Ship!

PEEPING IN AT MY HAMMIES on Sunday afternoon, imagine my surprise ~ between the two Parmesan tubes ~ to spot a gargantuan ball of fur with three faces. Yes! The tiny trotters had set up a nest out in broad daylight. Between those twin bed-come-"toilet" tubes; right underneath the waterbottle. All three in a row, blinking dumbly at me in late afternoon's sheer sunshine; Itchy, perhaps, might take to licking at the bottle. Bashful, by natural instinct, joins in. They look so funny there, a symmetrical pair of robbies licking simultaneusly at their mouse-bottle. Then Spherical really does clamber across the room for a poopoo and climbs straight back home on top of the other two... The tubby pair just close eyes as pink paws tread over ~ they're quite used to this. And so my furry pyramid, eyes open, ears pricked up alertly up top, two thirds slumbers, one third washes self. Looking so entertaining, it's a strain not to laugh in their treble-faces. (See top photo to see how their sleepy pile appears...) Such cackles must be restrained, else my tiny tubbies can get offended and scared.

What they do like is a poke from a fried-ricey chopstick-end. Unlike Naughty - my rottweilerien former snow white Campbells Condensed Russian hamster, who used to grab said stick with arms and jaws and perform a trick by allowing self to be picked up and waved around the room as he savaged into the hapless wood with assertive teeth... These present whiskery gremlins grab half-heartedly, or stare in asonishment and the MSG-and-eggs ponging end and nibble as it comes close enough... And of course, now and then take horror and ping off in astonishment to tentatively sniff out of hidey-toilet-tubes with quivery fat pink noses. The swines!

And how am I? Thankful for the interminable weekend's eventual end. Druing which I ran so totally out of money I didn't even have the other 30p to add to 29p to purchase cyder not-on-tick yesterday...

On Satruday nite I was happy since I found a clingfilmed lump ~ a £10 deal of crack! ~ on our front doorstep! That really made my night.

I scrawled out a single halfbaked stanza, a "quatrain" ~ four lines of a 14-line attempted sonnet about heroin adiction. On reperusal next night I found it wasn't actually so very terrible. So I'm sticking with the attempted poetry. Because I love poetry. I think I have an ear for it @ a real ear for it; a facility @ and not so very many people do. Poetry is a high art. And merifully compact enough for me; hopefully ~ eventually ~ to churn out & be able to declare: look! A polished, all-completed Work of Art. By me!! What a blast THAT would be!

I haven't pushed any further with my book of memoirs yet, however. I had riginally hoped to have completed draft one by now: I can't though. I need to finish my book. I see it as my passport out of this drudgesome morass of a cess-heap ruined, bombed-out, self-destructed void of a life...

When done; once out there, my book shall declare:~

1. that I have talent enough to warrant taking seriously as an Artist in the Literary Sphere, and

2. it shall hopefully accrue me advance finances enough to pay my way through express detox (which costs several thousand pounds) ~ plus buy me a multimedia Apple laptop and all the facilities I need not only to wordprocess, but to document my life in audiovisual clips. These I would collect either to youtube or to put towards a wizzy selfmade documentary of myself or both. Or summut like... and... be able to pay rent on at least a 1-bed preferably (bc I could do with the space) 2-bed flat ... (or even better get a £5 million advance and be able to buy a pokey flat outright (well that's all you get for £5 million in London these days...)...

3. most obviously, basically of all ~ authorship sets me, at long last, on the road to a proper and fulfilling career...! (Yes it does!)

TA-daa! And now I must go! I do hope y'all loved Saturday's harvest mouse montage. MICROMYS MINUTUS ~ I love that Latin! ~ a very teeny-tiny-mini-mousie... how can you get cuter than that~?!?

PS How's everybody like my new "avatar"... I got fed up with tiny nervous roborovsky baby on hand; I tried to be tubby old "I ran 10,k00 miles/16,000 kilometres ~ as far as Paris to New Delhi in my 3.5 human years/120 hamster years too-brief-lifetime Pandable! But poor Pandable wouldn't take... so I'm a tiny gingery harvest mouse instead ...

ps Take a peek at the top pic to see how the dismantled pile of mass-groomers appears ... don't the robos look gremlin-like..??



this is a really good photoblog: joannwalraven.blogspot.com


Akelamalu said...

Get that book finished so you can get outta there! I was dismayed to read about the wrap you found on the doorstep. :(

Gledwood said...

well that's just what my house is like i'm afraid ...

i would LOVE to get out but am sure I am NOT the council's "priority" unless I can get a prize bullshitter to "talk" me outta there...

Gledwood said...

like a solicitor I mean...

IVY said...

Gled, I think you should include poetry more often. Sorry I have been busy and havent peeked my head around more often like those um.. thingamajig little cute hampster mice people bunnies you have. No but you do have an ear, though I want to see more of it from you.. where have you been putting your poetry and talk of heroin these days? Is there another blog I should look in...? it's so funny to click on a blog that talks about your pet and your crack with equal passion...

IVY said...

it's a good thing

Anonymous said...

Gleddy: get well soon. Heard you had the lergy!

Janice said...


My daughter like your photos of the hampsters and the harvest mice.


Angie said...

Hi Gleds,
Yes, get your book written! I'd definitely buy a copy.Thanks for the info about the frog,will bear it in mind.

Nessa said...

Give yourself a short deadline to just write, write, write. Check out the NaNoWriMo website.

The other thing to try is bursts of timed writing. Set an alarm for say 15 minutes and just write. You'll find you'll keep writing.

Do your editing and critiques later.

Anonymous said...

Hey Gleds:

Why do they call it a "clingfield" lump? What kind of building are you living in now? I read your first blog cover to cover (it beats bying zines at the store and your blog was more entertaining). I even got a tad wild and drank my methadone 5 hours early :) Almost every drive-thru 'restaurant' like Mickey D's has a "dollar menu". Right now they have the double cheeseburger, salad, 4 nuggets, hamburger, and two pies (I am sure I am forgetting something). There are a lot of junkies that hang out at Hardees (a fast-food 'restaurant'). In the AM the people from the methadone clinic go and trade all kinds of stuff for boy. I dont mess around there because most of the shit is junky and will have to listen to my friends bitch for half a day. I wonder if I packed a hampster tight in a few boxes inside boxes (so Fed-Ex would not notice the movement) and sent a hamster over there. Do you want an American Hammy? You have to fill in the new readers on what you are doing for work and what you living conditions are! I am wondering what you do with the blac bean suace and why you cant find boil-in-a-bag rice? Take care dude! Eric in Indianapolis USA (stuck here from New York City-----for now that is).

Gledwood said...

Ivy: It's ALL on this blog nowadays... the others are really collections of youtube screens themed by whatever title e.g. music, Japanese, etc... I don't rattle on about heroin so much as in the end I've pretty much said it all!

Ron: Lurgy's gone, ta!

Janice: Great stuff! Be careful of letting her read too much text ... (how old is she~??)

Angie: Glad my froggie advice was of use to someone... they're really tiny by the way... about an inch long if that when fully grown and really cute but you can ONLY really keep them with diddy fish like the ones you've got (fish with tiny mouths)... !!

Gledwood said...


Eric Anon:... no! In your haste you misread it! I said CLINGFILMED... ie they take the £10 rock, which is about as big as a raisin, and clingfilm it round and round and round so that it doesn't fall apart or crumble everywhere, that's all... we don't have those tiny crack "vial" things I've heard they have or used to have in America...

... while it would be very amusing to open a pastle uh parcel with an American hammy inside I am pretty sure they are the same as English ones... though I heard even though robos are all over youtube and most of the filmers are American you cannot find them in NYC for love nor $$$ and if you do they are really expensive. my 3 cost £21 but the most expensive shop would have charged £45 ie $90 for 3 Mongolian agricultural pests!

methadone schmethadone I wish I was better at that I am TRYING to cut out everything but failing failing regularly I do have some control over crack unlike practically everyone else I know ie I can smoke £10 or split a £10 with someone and have another £10 in my pocket and not run out buy more with it... that would be so depressing I am more a heroin junkie and used to have to thinking "what am I going to do for tomorrow morning?" know what I mean

boil in bag rice... o yeah that was just a crap supermarket usually they have it I basically had to learn how to properly cook rice again I've pretty much mastered it now... blackbean sauce surely you know it? Go chinese takeaway and order beef or chicken black bean sauce wi fried rice it is one of the BEST things they do haha!

stay cool stay clean stay SERENE ;->...

Gledwood said...

duh¬! NESSA I'm so sorry: bloody leaving it empty I meant to say

THANKYOU for that advice...

what I do now is NOT set a limit

it turned the whole thing into a CHORE feeling thing

I just write a bit every day and I've found that with less pushing and more flowing the prose tends to be a bit better anyhow

hard to explain exactly why as I don't subscribe to that "drawing up from the well of my inner being" crap about writing I just write and it should chime with people bc we're all human and essentially the same

but writing about my life was very painful at times ~ how negligently I nearly threw it all away with childish suicide attempts etc

also it's so hard I am tending to tell the tale in a pretty streamlined way: just highlights but there are whole episodes I kept forgetting to put in... ridiculous

considering it is MY life I am telling!!!

I've done fiction b4 and that was SO MUCH EASIER seriously ... also fiction looks "out" ie into other people's character, this essentially is My story so has to blahblahblah ENDLESSLY about me!!

Liz said...

Another really well-written post! Not that your previous ones haven't been but these last two seem to have 'something' about them.

I love your description of your robos. I look forward to your getting an advance so you can get a camera and take photos of Itchy and Bashful - if he'll pose long enough!

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Time to get writing when you run out of internet time and get out of that house you live in.
I like your Harvest mouse pictures.
Thanks for your comments and sympathy about my Father. So all your parents are alive. I feel for Olive at 108 losing Barney at 87. I heard that she said that they lost him before he died, due to dementia. She is a strong lady.
Do your robos object to you switching to a harvest mouse???
Take care, my friend, Very best wishes, Merle.

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood