HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Inner City Life...

MY DEALER'S CAR BROKE DOWN today. So rather than go to someone whose deals were weak, tiny or otherwise compromised, Pascal and I made the trek to his neck of the woods. Man! It was an excursion and a half! We took the bus right into town. Into the "inner city" as Margaret Thatcher used to say... It got darker and darker (mostly because it was night)... huge arrays of council flats glittered through the bus windows (of course we were riding the top deck of a red bus - very London). He phoned us about six times over the hour it took to arrange this voyage. Repeatedly I checked... yes we were on the right bus number. Then I told him we were sailing past a very famous monument and he went WHAT?!? where are you?? And I told him. Turned out he had NOT told us the correct bus number after all. Which necessitated us getting out and walking through some of the roughest neighbourhoods full of high rises long shadows. Eventually we met him next to a McDonalds - even that took nearly five minutes trying to figure which entrance he was standing at.... And finally, after Pascal had departed to HIS bus, Dealer led me through echoey-pavement inner city housing "projects" (as they call them in America), past various car workshops and run-down tennaments to where my CORRECT bus took me directly home... Phew! I am getting too old for all this!
Then I had a hit and a Lea and Perrins chicken-peppers-mayo sandwich (gotta real thing about Lea-n-Perrins these days...) and laughed because all three of my tubby gremlins were trotting the wheel at once...
... and how was YOUR day?!?

ps I wasn't intending to post this non-post really. I actually have quite a long diatribe against ... well you can read it tomorrow!

Videos of the day~~
1. Goldie: Innercity Life
2. Fridge: Paradise
(how ironic!)

16 comments:

Eileen said...

There are some pretty rough projects in Toronto, however, nothing compares to what I have seen in cities like Detroit etc. I think (and I don't think I am alone) there is no excuse for countries as rich and prosperous as ours to allow people to live in environments such as they have created. I know the old adage "poverty breeds poverty etc" but as far as I am concerned that is a pile of horseshit. The bottom line is that marginalization is imposed by forcing invisibilty. Maybe it's a different case for people like your drug dealer since they profit from being able to disappear into ghettos but nobody comes out of the womb thinking "hey i would really like to live in that tall shithole in the sky". I am sorry that you are in a situation that draws you to places like that, but I am more sorry for the people that call it their reality day in day out. I don't know what this all has to do with your post, but I am at work and felt the need to rant...so TAG..your IT.

Liz said...

Gleds, there've been two drug-related deaths in Swansea this week. One was only 16 and had been an addict for years. Please keep trying to give up! We don't want to lose you.

Nessa said...

I liked all of the videos.

I hope you keep trying too.

Jacob said...

Check THIS out Gleds!

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=1dc_1180779395&p=1

Nicole said...

Meanwhile, back in Australia. We drove to find some drawer rails, to a shop-warehouse called Gaganis Borothers to buy some spices and to pick up our modem. I am happy to report that we are finally online from our own computers again, with our own connection. You are my first blog comment on the new line!

Gledwood said...

Eileen: That is a good point. Nothing HAS to be depressing or downtrodden or horrible. A few gardens and amenities shouldn't cost much... The worst "projects" I know of in Europe are in the Paris "banlieu"/however you spell it... suburbs thing... huge towers of literally 40 storeys going on and on and on full of African immigrants (of course France has an Africa thing going on from their colonial days: our immigrants here tend to come more from Asia though there are lots of Africans too)... and I've seen some grotty buildings in New York City on TV... maybe 10 or 15 storeys high but long, stretching across like curtains on and on no wonder people take drugs there it just says "despair"!

Liz: 16 and an addict for years?!? what is the world coming to..?

Nessa: did you like Paradise? Not much to see... but the tune...

Jacob: that pus was glorious!

Nicole: connected at last~::~ hurrah!

FLASH said...

EILEEN: I have to say that you are VERY wrong and must have had a VERY sheltered life in white suburbia. There are MANY tall buildings that are beautiful. The people that INHABIT these "projects" are the ones that destroy and make a muck of them. It is fiscally irresponsible for the government to replace something that has been broken on purpose 3+ times. If these people cared they would get involved in 'community policing' because the majority will always win.

FLASH said...

EILEEN (part II):

"as rich and prosperous as ours".... so that means that we should be giving women that are severely irresponsible and have 6 kids with 6 men; 3 of whom she does not know WHO the "baby daddy" is to live for free? And to continue to procreate? I think that after a certain amount of error in judgement which we are ALL guilty of the benifits should DECREASE or a PENALTY should be imposed, lets say, groceries delivered to the house instead of food stamps (which they sell for ciggies) and eliminate cash benefits and have 'distribution centers' and the kids can wear 'hand-me-downs' just like most kids in my generation 80's in larger families instead of buying each child thier own closet full of expensive name brand clothes. MANY PEOPLE CHOOSE THIS LIFESTYLE. It will be up to the government to make it LESS APPEALING to future generations. PS. I AM IN FULL SUPPORT OF COLLEGE SCHOLORSHIPS if they live in a dorm environment (to help them excell) for children who grew up in these types of environments. Even 2-year "trade schools" would be great, especially with on-campus housing! It will save us TONS of money for the future and save a genneration.

Jacob (1) said...

That is what a Heroin abscess can look like Jacob #2 ;) After many years your veins collapse and you 'miss'. When you miss the impurities in the shot can cause cellulitis and/or and abscess (usually just an abscess). The people that contine to shoot into a missed spot have a higher chance of cellulitis and an abscess. When all the peripheral (veins you can see) are gone, people go for the groin, neck, and under the collar bone. I knew a guy from when I worked in A&E (the ER) who used to shoot about 5cm (2 inches)into his neck in the same place we use to put long lasting IV's in for people in ICU and where the morticians use to inbalm. The problem with this is that you can get DVT (deep vein thrombosis), especially shooting in the groin. Like Gledders said, it is a loose/loose situation. I am all for the government making 'inter-nasal' (heroin nasil spray) for harm reduction treatment and then hight dose methadone 1/2 in the AM and 1/2 in the PM.

Patti said...

Wow even I don't walk throught projects alone.... do y'all call them council flats?

Gledwood said...

Flash: you made a strong point ... there's nothing I can add!

Jacob: I've had cellulitis twice, phlebitis once and abscesses a few times... I heard "tar" is the worst for abscesses/cellulitis because it still has some of the stickiness of opium in it... our powdered brown (not like tar: if you touch it, it comes off easy on the finger like if you've ever touched an eyeshadow pallette a v fine powder like that) ... our brown also isn't meant for injecting and with repeated skinpopping causes something looking like massive cellulite I know one guy whose arse is meant to be disintegrating bc he insists on going back and back in the same place... how weird you posted that only the day b4 I found out my painful "scab" which is all red & swollen around IS an abscess... caused mostly by my own stupidity for going in there again when it was already swollen.... he used to go 5cm in his neck... what with a BLUE NEEDLE? that's ukky. my ankles are swollen already from constant leg injecting. i've never done groin or neck they are the only places i've not gone. have done chest, feet hands thighs waist everywhere (veins) as well as skinpopping all over the place too... what else can i say...

Gledwood said...

PATTI: yeah council flats are public housing for the "poor" you have to be disadvantaged to get one (nowadays)... most tower blocks (except premium ones like Ontario tower which has a giant blue light on top and 5-star hotel roomservice to all apartments) are council flats (flat = apartment, but an apartment can be a personal area in a palace or large house, which you would not call a flat so the words aren't strictly interchangeable...) they are called council flats as the local council is the landlord...

Anonymous said...

GLED , Ive been reading you for a year or so . The only question I have is how do you get by . I mean how do you make ends meet , are you on social aide ? I never read that you work ? How bout a blog entry on how you survive ?

Gledwood said...

Hi Anon

I get by on boring old state benefits and methadone... don't do no "grafting" no more... very boring life!

;->...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood