HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Winehouse Crack "Shocker"!

POOR AMY WINEHOUSE! Caught piping crack by the sneaky Sun newspaper's undercover exposee team and now splashed over four million copies of that newspaper's front pages...

I always found it difficult to credit that Amy, a self-avowed heroin and crack addict one minute could jet off on holiday to the Caribbean with hubby Blake Fielder-Civil the next and return home miraculously non-addicted. I just didn't believe it.

Her husband is a goodlooking if slightly spivvy-seeming guy and she obviously worships the very ground he walks on.

In fact, if you listen to Amy's CDs her weakness (long before drugs) always seems to have been men. Not just sexually; I mean that she appears to be one of those women who at first glance appears to be strong. Independent. Assertive. And yet her whole existence, her self-esteem and everything seems to be held not by herself, but in her man's hand. To me this is a real weakness.

When the story of Amy and Blake's excessive drug using hit the papers, the blame seemed to be passed to Blake by most of the press. I am not sure this is true, as Amy was heavy drinking for months before she got married to this guy.

But having been in a druggie relationship myself (how do you think my habit kicked off the ground?) I know how two people fixated on drugs can very easily use the other as their own excuse to use. That's why rehabs often "try to split couples up" ~ if you know about addiction you will hear this allegation time and again. It's done for a reason: unless you're unusually focused and strong, as I said, relationships where drugs have played a prominent role have an uncanny habit of returning to that situation...

Now, with her man in prison (accused of assault and attempting to "pervert the course of justice" ~ ie to bribe or otherwise nobble a witness in the forthcoming assault trial) and her British tour cancelled (because she "can't do it without her man") Amy's spinning out into an ever-decreasing spiral of drugs, drink and depravity.

Speaking as an addict who's seen it time and time again I'm long past the assumption that just because someone is using heroin (as she WAS) and crack (as she IS) they are "going to die". We're all going to die and some addicts can live a long long time. But having seen Amy's frailty, her weakness and her dependency ~ not just on alcoholic and chemical fixes but on her man and the flybynight "friends" who seem to fill her home, I must admit it's very sad. I see a woman with a rare talent who's doing all she can to mess up her career (cancelling live engagements ~ you can't do that! Those gigs represent birthdays, anniversaries etc you can't just walk out of a booking because you'd rather have a drink! Whatever happened to "the show must go on!"? To mess up her life. And yes, I hate to say this, but if you're a fan of Amy Winehouse, then try to appreciate her while she's still here ...

because I'm really not sure how long she's going to last...

***

Today's screen:
Winehouse Smoking Crack


***

Fascinating never-b4-found addict blog of the day:
MANTRAMINE ~ "the art of being" ...

22 comments:

Eileen said...

I think Amy is an exceptionally talented woman who has been given the opportunity of a life time. It is an absolute shame that she can't take control of her life. By the same token, there are many great musicians who have suffered through drug abuse because it is part in parcel of the industry that they have been thrust into, as well as the limelight that they are standing in. It is WAY easier to become an addict when your entire existence is condusive to it. None the less, she is a young girl who can change things for herself, after all, it's never too late. Either she chooses to do that, or she chooses to let it all consume her and add her name to the long list of other fallen stars....RIP Janice, Hendrix etc etc etc...

Gledwood said...

what i remember for myself was that when for a brief while i had money to buy whatever drugs i liked i pretty rapidly became sick and genuinely tired of them... but when money ran out and i found myself living week to week and hand to mouth the drugs were a perpetual "treat"... so actually rather paradoxically the rich probably get so much so soon and so in their faces when they DO get involved in this stuff they're actually at an advantage. Of having reason enough, quickly enough to genuinely come to a turning point ...

(I mean Hollywood is FULL of ex-users. The rock-n-roll world even MORE so. I'm glad some of these people for their own sakes have managed to see some light. I don't want Amy to die and I wish she would put her energies into RECORDING some new songs not just revamping the old ones over and over on stage!)

Akelamalu said...

She's pushing the self destruct button very hard.

Doesn't it reinforce your desire to pack it all in Gleds? I do hope so. x

Trubes said...

Hi Gledwood.
Would Amy still have her incredible talent if it wasn`t fuelled by drugs ? Many of the greatest writers and musicians have only been able to write and perform, with the help of drink and drugs !

Di. xx

Audrey said...

An incredible talent indeed, so much of what youve written especially with regard to her self esteem and her weakness, but at the same time it seems to add to the passion and feeling when she sings. I hope she finds her way and if this is to be her way I fear the worst for her.

By the way I love the new avatar :)
All those pictures are just too sweet...awwwww!!

Audrey said...

So much of what youve written hits the mark I meant to say, half asleep here.

Bemused said...

Interesting and honest post, Gledwood. I admit that I enjoy her music, but it makes me feel as if I am supporting her habit, and I don't. Having seen a close friend widowed in her late 20s, (he was a heroin addict) and what became of her with severe mental illness, I remain divided on Amy.

But then artists are known to create under the influence.

lettuce said...

thats an interesting point about the advantages for rich and celebrity users.
so once again the advantaged get the advantages....

you're right, she has a rare talent - a bit like Pete Doherty (bit of a matching pair, those two) - you can't help wondering where it will all end.

IVY said...

Yes it's sad and you write about it well... Im a musician too as you know and for a while i wrote better music because of Oxy. those days are so far behind me that it's a blur of unresolved conflicts and cravings and the everprescent feeling that i had been broken by the only guy i'd loved who was a shithead fuckhead asshole... i wrote a beautiful book but what have i done since then? some things but mostly feel like falling. I understand the temptation. Also some people arent ready for the limelight.. the masses look at you and unless you have scrutinized your every inside angle they have an edge over you they know you better than you know yourself, how frightening to be young and unexperienced and read about yourself in a magazine and have them be more right about you then you are about yourself but have the words floating around in your head before your self-discoveries make it honest

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I don't think that girl will be around much longer!

gledwood said...

Akelamalu: it's very sad to watch I think she could do so much more. For one thing she should be RECORDING new songs ~ fans want new stuff not a 4 year wait. She should NOT be cancelling on ppl; as I said those concerts represent birthdays/anniversaries etc it is so disrespectful not to bother showing... I don't know why but I get the feeling that not only is she brittle but may be in genuine danger I hope she DOESN't die but it wouldn't surprise me if she did... And what a crying shame that would be...

Trubes: I think it's in spite not because. Her songs seemed to be written when she was just drinking and puffing grass etc

Audrey: I think she has an amazing way of interpreting songs it's a shame she really ought to record some new ones ... also put out CDs/downloads of live stuff and favourites by others... also what a voice! It would be such a shame to lose her

Bemused:

gledwood said...

Bemused: I don't know that drugs are helping her creativity at all... I know what you mean about funding her habit; then again you could extend that to funding the amoral lifestyles of so many others in the entertainment world who aren't necessarily into drugs but seem to be into a host of other things!

Lettuce: I think Amy's a LOT better than Pete Doherty though!

Have to say Doherty seems quite a sensitive soul when interviewed on TV/radio. What a shame he got tarred by that "can't help himself for idiocy" ~ busted for drugs, driving licence-free etc etc silly boy

Ivy: actually I think you have a point... by extention: the pressures of fame. They probably ARE contributing a lot to her drugs situation... and the more the press hammer on at her... put it this way unless she changes her mind they're not helping her. They're just going to make her more furtive, less trusting and more paranoid...

Preposterous: I'm with you there... well I HOPE she will but wouldn't be shocked if she wasn't... poor Amy!

Nessa said...

She's in quite a bit of trouble.

RUTH said...

A completely different subject...what do you think of the Life on Mars photos in the newspaper?
Rx

Liz said...

Gledwood, this is a briliant piece. You should send it to a newspaper - maybe the Sun? But whatever, it's a really insightful, serious and thought-provoking post.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Another good post, but what a shame about Amy. A waste of her talent unless she gets help.
Thanks for your comments about people needing advice and help and cannot get it. Australia is a large country and we can have floods and fires in different area and drought is common
all over. The inland areas (the outback) is dry and although I don't know a lot about stations, I know they feed their sheep and cattle hay and grain.
The dairy industry and the fruit industry both use a lot of irrigation, but some crops grown well without irrigation The cities
around the coastline are usually nice and green with great gardens
. I have never been to Morocco but
I don't think we would be as dry as that. Take care, my friend, Thanks for the stars. Best Wishes, Merle.

Nicole said...

I'd have found it more shocking to see her sipping sparkling water and reading a gardening magazine quite frankly. I mean, she lives in the addiction abyss, we all know that, so how shocking can visual confirmation of this be? It would be as shocking as seeing Britney Spear's vagina for the 100th time again.

Gledwood said...

Nessa: she's in more trouble today... aparently Metropolitan Police have asked to see the tapes for themselves ...

Ruth: I haven't heard of that I have to go look those Mars pixx up...

Liz: O you mean as a letter? I might do that... (as an article I imagine they would say "all positions for the job of columnist are filled!")

Merle: thanks for answering all that... I hadn't thought cows and sheep would eat dry feed I suppose they must do... I always think of them grazing on emerald green fields you see! As for Morocco: I should have explained it IS dry ... some of it is just sandy rocks with little sprigs poking out now and then only a goat would feed off... other bits are like Southern Spain or Italy or much of California which is why I drew the comparison with Australia

Nicole: ... or Paris Hilton's... yeah that is a v good point I specially like the bit about the gardening magazine and the glass of water haha!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Well, that's the first sensible writing I have seen on the matter, Gleds. Well done. Meanwhile, my heart goes out to this lady.

E said...

I was just going to say that she needs to psychicly contact Janis and learn how to keep the show going as Gleds said "the show must go on" and eileen is on key to. The one thing that is SAD is there are plenty of addict like myself who would INSTANTLY clean up if I had some kind of overnight blessing "like winning the lotto, or coming into some other fortune or fortuneous job" and I am sure there are a lot of others who would agree with me.

opop said...

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

fgeegf said...

做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇, 爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真, 免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood