HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Put A Cork In It

I WOULD IF I COULD, BUT I HAVEN'T any spares lying around and besides, I don't drink wine so I'm not wasting the money...

I thought I felt a bit better last night. Then a dreaded rumbling, gluttering gurge 'gan to bubble up somewhere ominously deep inside me...

I slept soulfully quiet....

BUT MY ท้อง "TONG" IS STILL VERY MUCH เสีย "SIIA?"!


And the diarrhoea made a spiteful repeat attack early this morn!

Curry sauce was spraying out everywhere....

All I've eaten in the past 24 hours was a small portion of MSG-fried rice and some dry handfuls of chocolate wheatie breakfast cereals... I've not dared drink water, though I know I should. As I just thought it might add "thunder" to the "rotting Niagra Falls" of the morning...

Paging down my blog I was astonished at how very much of it is food-inspired. And pictures of hamsters. Frankly all that cuisine's making me feel sick.

In desperation I turned to the works of Shakespeare on my bed of death: I've so far gone through Macbeth and half the sonnets and am shovelling my way through Antony and Cleopatra.

Then, feeling inspired, I attempted to write a poem of my own...

... but it was just a load of crap!


FROM THE NEWS:
BRITNEY SPEARS: "suicide runs in family" story of tragic gran
TIME TO GO BACK TO BLACK, AMY: Winehouse's hair "looks like pig's bed"
STURGEON GOES ON AND ON: 2 Brit anglers land 10-ft fish

THANKS ~ EVERYONE ~ FOR YOUR MESSAGES OF PERSONAL CONDOLENCE...

I had some drinks with Laundretta this afternoon in strict contravention of "how to treat diarrhoea" though since this morning's spite it has shown no sign of a splurging return...

... I showed her this story: I fell in love with MARCO, the Brazillian escort my boyfriend booked,... and she was laughing her head off...


***

Videos of the last 2 days...

Bodysnatch Euphony Just 4u London
Zefirelli Romeo and Juliet (1st sonnet)
Faust


***

MORE NEWS EXTRA!
VIOLENT GERMAN YOUTH SENT TO SIBERIA! For nine months' "intensive educational experience"... (is this 2008? or 1958..??)
GEORGE MICHAEL TO WRITE OWN MEMOIRS SHOCKER
! The "superstar" has signed a deal with HarperCollins worth $7 million US of which $6 million covered "British rights", or, more probably, "those areas of the world traditionally covered by British publishers" which means everywhere in English except the United States... plus, that's right! ~ he's fully intending to pen the entire manuscript himself...

... and then rely on a hard-bitten HarperCollins editor to pull the entire thing into some vaguely publishable shape on the company wordprocessor...

o!

and I nearly forgot this cracker from last Sunday's News of the World:
INSIDE THE DEN OF EVIL: soccer star's dad's drugs and vice shame
with full pictures inside the crackhouse
(must say, the "punters" are far more glam-looking than at the crackhouse I used to visit...)


ps I just found out the average purity of nasty British heroin is 39.9% I find that hard to believe...

32 comments:

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Oh, poor Gleds. I hope you feel better today!

Gledwood said...

I do now (later in the day...) but the same happened yesterday...

hopefully tomorrow morn won't be so bad and then it shall have learned to "bung" itself up...

Emperor Ropi said...

get better, hot soup and tea may help.

Gledwood said...

i bloody hope so!!!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Hope you're feeling better!

Poor guy probably will NEVER want to see his woman having sex with another man, huh? Bless his heart. That was just stupid!

Gledwood said...

very DURRGH indeed!!

Liz said...

Drink water, Gleds! It's important to keep hydrated. So force it down you!

SJ said...

Hope you are feeling better already.

Yeah I have been to Mamallapuram many a time but not recently. The tsunami did hit Mamallapuram and Chennai but the damage was relatively mild. I didn't hear of any of the sculptures being damaged only a resort or two ... I mean if had been bad I would have heard of it.

Gledwood said...

I stayed at a place right at the beachfront at Mamallapuram for over a week... kept thinking to myself if that tsunami happened only a few years before we'd most definitely have been swept away!

Gledwood said...

Liz... finally I've realized that Coca-Cola is really nice on an upset stomach (is it partly the "seltzer" effect of the bubbles?)... water a bit harder... but I do love my Coke!!

CrystalChick said...

Hoping you feel better very soon!

The nightmare that is my computer has been a bit sick lately too.... hopefully to be fixed soon. I'm at the library catching up. It's somewhat quiet and you can't bring beverages, so how I miss my cocoa/chai drinks but it's free anyway. ;)

Gledwood said...

I crave CocaCola... as I said..!

Hey be careful with those sick computers I know 2 people who've sent them away to the repairers... one in England, one in Australia... the English one was away OVER A MONTH! The Australian one a sight longer!! So be very careful!!!

Akelamalu said...

Definitely drink more water to flush it out. Hope you're feeling better soon. x

gledwood said...

ta!

johno said...

Hi Gledwood, thanks for stopping by. Good question!!

I must say that everything I will say, is my experience and my interpretation of the traditions in action TODAY. If you ask the same questions tomorrow, I may have learned something, looked at it from another angle and changed my mind on something! Also I do not speak for AA as a whole. GSO in York would give you more of a general take on this.

Ok, heres my take on it...got your coffee?....ready??

"Sober" I am not sure exactly what you mean by this? not obviously drunk/24 hours+ continuous sobriety/had a drink but not noisy/not having mood altering substance inside them?

There are NO RULES that you HAVE to turn up to AA meetings sober full stop. There are no AA rules fullstop.

Most people I see at AA meetings havent drank that day i dont think!, some have though and are welcome. In the spirit of "Tradition 1 Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity". Some groups do ask "noisy drunks" to leave the meetings, and to come back when they are ready to hear the message. Most AA's I know will continue to offer support to that same "still suffering" outside of the meeting. It is said that the "noisy drunk" is not in a position AT THAT MOMENT to hear the message and the group must be protected for the newcomer who is ready THAT DAY. The group must continue to stay strong for the suffering alcoholic to come back to when they are ready to hear the message.

Also most people I know/meet come to AA meetings to pass on and hear the message of recovery, experience, strength and hope... as opposed to a listening to a noisy drunk, we did enough of that in pubs, some of us were the noisy drunk!!

Having said all that not everyone that turns up to an AA meeting having had a drink that day or hour is noisy, and most people I have met, who have had a drink just want to sit and be quiet and not want a big deal made of it. At my home groups we welcome anyone into an AA meeting whether had a drink or not.

I have seen a noisy drunk asked to leave a meeting when they continued to disrupt the meeting, AFTER being asked to be quiet politely. I have seen a fight break out, they didnt come back of their own accord, no-one barred them.

We are dealing with alcohol and alcoholics, lack of Power is massive, compassion is asked for. In the spirit of "Tradition 4 Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole". you may have come across a meeting which has and will ask someone to leave, and thats probably because its the conscience of the group to do that. And Tradition 4 says thats ok.

One could say that its a fine line, to ask a drunk to leave, and not in the spirit of "Tradition 3. The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking" BUT would you ask anyone if they have the desire to stop drinking, before letting them in a meeting? I wouldnt.

So for what its worth, I would only apply tradition 1, regarding the noisy drunk or someone disrupting the meeting fullstop, in asking someone to leave a meeting.

Regarding "everyone" sharing loss of bladder/bowel control. I always suggest to people if they can, try and not judge AA in a few meetings, and to stick with people they come across who seem comfortable and conduct themselves in a way which is appealing. And to stay away from people who dont. I notice you are in London, there are over 700 meetings, if you have a Where To Find meeting directory, try beginner or newcomer meetings and or step meetings... on the whole I find them more reliably message carrying... although I havent tried them all!! All meetings are different, Trad 4, if you keep on going you will eventually find what you are looking for.

I hope that answers your question. I wish you you much peace in your recovery, I haven't been to NA, so I cannot compare sorry. But if you are not sure which fellowship, and would like to try AA again, then give it another go?

Thanks for stopping by, great thought provoker!!

Recovery love

Johno

johno said...

ps I just saw you said "my main prob's drugs so NA has been my main one"

so apologies where I said "if you are not sure which fellowship"

johno

X. Dell said...

(1) British horse is almost 40% pure? Maybe it's that way in the States, now. I dunno. I think I'd OD if I just stared at 40% heroin too long.

(2) I hope you feel better. Pyles is the shits, so they say. And a pain in the ass, er, arse.

(3) Funny news stories. Thanks.

Kahshe Cottager said...

Oh my .... I do hope you are on the mend now. What a nasty bug to have had. Better take it easy on the spicy foods for a few days and make sure you are getting enough liquids. (I also found Coca Cola settles an upset stomach!)

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I hope you feel better soon!

Having the "Hershey squirts" is not fun by any stretch of the means.

Deb said...

hey gled...hope you're on the mend soon.

Speaking of poetry...my friend Jim Dandy has posted some. Thought you might be interested:

http://beyond-dandy.blogspot.com/

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

As you know, we are going through our own gastrointestinal woes here. Hope yours are over soon. BTW, I read recently that high quality dark chocolate helps reduce diarrhea. Ah, chocolate, there is nothing you cannot do!

Shadow said...

hallo and thanks for popping in my side. what a cute, cute little hamster. my son has a russian dwarf hamster. they are just too cute!!!!

Nicole said...

I was just about to tell you to drink some Coca-Cola, but I noticed in the comments somewhere that you already knew this. It is rather good for stomach upsets and the cha-chas, it will firm up the stool, keep you hydrated (very important) and help with your electrolyte levels. Ginger Ale is also good if you can't get your hands on Cola.

lettuce said...

yes, i'd heard that about coca cola and electrolytes. flat coke is best apparently.


so sorry the lurgies have got you, hope you're feeling properly better soon

Gledwood said...

Johno: the AA meeting I went to was in London but v small: only about 5 people there plus me... yes everyone said they'd drank so much on occasion they'd become doubly incontinent... which kind of had the effect of making me feel I was "nowhere near enough" of a drunk. if you know what I mean. also i never drank to get drunk, only to achieve a nice coasting level of intoxication. i hate being drunk!!

XDell: some of the figures came from airport seizures; others were from small street seizures. i think this sometimes skews the purity upwards. though i heard Australian white heroin averages 60% on the street!

dire-rear: better now thanks!

Kahshe: I didn't know Coca Cola was SUPPOSED to be good for bad digestion I just thought I was a glutton for badness!

Preposterous: Hershey sqirts... as in Hershey chocolate??... those bars are TINY! (by the way...)

Gledwood said...

Debs: feelin' better already thanxx! I will go have a look at those pomes...

MPJ: I have never tried the chocolate thing... "shame"... I shall have to wait for "next time" now ... (!!)

Shadow: I had a film of a tame Russian hamster in Japan that fell in love with a cat and the cat thought the hamster was her kitten...

Nicole: does Coca Cola settle electrolytes too... wow!

Gledwood said...

Lettuce: hey the lurgy's (hopefully, I think) ... GONE!!

MICKY said...

Gledwood said...
How come Jesus was son of God and yet when he got baptized by John (Baptist) the spirit of God came down "like a dove" from heaven upon him...?

Micky Said:
Dear Gledwood,
"And the Holy Spirit descended in a bodily shape like a dove upon Him" (Luke 3:22).

There is the Holy Scripture said, that the Holy Spirit descended in a bodily shape like a dove, not in a dove shape. Everywhere in the Holy Scripture we see only "like a dove", and nowhere "in a dove shape". (Matthew 3:16, Mark 1:10, John 1:32).

It is possible to descend in any shape like a dove, but there is in a dove shape is only in a dove shape. And the phrase "like a dove" is meaning, that it is not a dove. For example, " like a human" is meaning, that it is not human.

I, MICKY, AM THE HOLY ONE OF GOD.

I, MICKY, AM THE HOLY ONE OF GOD.

Guilty Secret said...

Hope you're feeling better now. I loved this from the Winehouse article: this blonde barnet she has now looks like a burst sofa.

Ha ha!

Gledwood said...

Mickey: What I meant was, if Jesus was already Son of God, how could the spirit come down to him AGAIN.. would it not already be IN him from birth?

GuiltyS: HOPEFULLY THAT squirging is all over!!!!!!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood