HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Curry Disaster/CrackAttack/Sleep






CURRY DISASTER ALERT! Yeah, how predictable. The curry came out DIRE. First I fried up onion and garlick in specially purchased cooking oil (not marge I was trying to be posh today) - to this I added about three heaped teaspoons Chinese Five Spice. Now fivespice DOES have the "secret Chinese curry ingredient" I'm after... but at least one ingredient (namely CLOVES) I did NOT want. So I attained this weird mentholated stirfry. Chucked in cornflour and made into a professional-looking "trotting" sauce. So I decided it needed something more. Mr Brown's Jamaican curry was pretty useless so I went out and bought a tub of garam masala. No! The cumin was overpowering and again something totally wrong in it. Chinese takeaway curry is definitely cumin-free. So all in all I ended up with purple chicken stir-fry (from my red onions) and to add insult to injury I sweated about 85% of these spices out in the night making me pong of a second hand currywagon. Ukk!

Second head-do-inner was my dealer who "kindly" offered me crack on "trust". (Ie buy now have knife at throat when can't pay later (joke!) but I'm averse to running up debts with such persons...) I turned him down flat and walked off. Then spent the next hour regretting this and fantasizing about white smoke and ear-whooshing highs (not that I've truly had one of those for quite some time...)

In despair I crawled back to bed and fell into deep sleep where every aspect of my "life" was played out in varying images, like tiles on the bathroom wall...

... and that's about all I've got to say for today.

...Don't worry though. I know the secret of Chinese curry is almost within my grasp. If EVERY Chinese takeaway the up and down of this small island can produce curry sauce with near-identical flavour the secret behind it cannot be too obscure.

I shall prevail!

***

Video:
New Guinea Singing Dogs II

25 comments:

Spacecake said...

FIRST!

Spacecake said...

I know that's a stupid thing to post, and that's percisely why I keep doing it.

Don't worry, I'll grow up one day and stop doing that.

Then again, I might just grow up and keep the habit, because why shouldn't I? :D.

Curry? Where?

I ate curry noodles so many times last year I think it'll be a long while before I can enjoy noodles again. If ever.

Gledwood said...

Chinese curry is utterly inimitable by the British "cook" and MUST be cracked just like the great ancient Silk Secret and passed to ordinary British Westerners to spice up their diets!!

Eileen said...

Why is it that the British love curry the way that they do? Isn't tika massala Britain's national dish now? Hmmmmm, interesting Very interesting.

My mother began dating this loser when I was 15 (and still is). The only thing that he had in his apartment was his crusty roomate and a poster on his wall with a dude in the outhouse (on the toilet) and a caption underneath that said "Don't do crack". Maybe you need one ;)

Side note: I am not refering to you as a loser *shoves foot further down throat* Awmahgawd never mind...I am making a tasteless crack pseudo joke that isn't even funny. Apparently I am the loser. Apologies too much coffee. I am going home now.

Take Care

Gledwood said...

Yes (chicken) tikka masala is the second national dish for sure. It's definitely before fish and chips (far too gooey) but I'd say after Sunday lunch roast beef with Yorkshire puddings, roast potatoes, seasonable vegetables, cauliflour cheese (if available) and lashings of gravy haha!

no offence taken but tell me was he PIPING on the toilet?

or what was he doing?

you mean shitting outta the crack of his arse>?

... or where did crack come into it..

??

CHIC-HANDSOME said...

great week

Carver said...

I'm wimpy when it comes to making curried dishes. I end up going to a fabulous restaurant owned and operated by a family from India when I want a good curried dish. When I want boring curry I make it myself. Not sure why I'm not better at it. I like Chinese curried cuisine too but my favorites are some of the Indian dishes.

Kahshe Cottager said...

Well, I am so proud of you Gleds!! First for turning down the crack dealer ... that took an amount of strength to do I think and second for your determination on your quest to perfect Chinese curry in your kitchen!! If I knew how you made those little stars, I would leave some for you today!!

onetreeplanted said...

Gled, wow, I totally forgot about you. I stopped blogging awhile ago and started vlogging on youtube. So I guess that means I'm done with my blog for a while.

jan said...

To me all curry is a disaster but that's just me. I know you will prevail.

Zhu said...

Have you tried with 八角 (ba jiao), star anise? We used it quite a bit (you asked me last time).

However, I must admit we usually pick up a bunch of spices at Chinatown and give it a shot... usually it's pretty good. But I don't have a precise recipe.

Oh, and add bamboo shots, really good.

kyknoord said...

A true seeker! If it was me, I would just abduct the chef from the nearest chinese restaurant and demand the secret in exchange for his/her safe release.

Steve said...

Gled, Know that when you write about turning down the dealer, that there is loud applause from all your fans! You are a star when you say no.

Good Thai green curry is my favorite.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Congrats on trying to cook the curry you like, and big congrats on saying No to the dealer.Now if you did that more often, your life would change for the better.Thanks for your comment although you sounded a bit down when you posted them. Don't give up ~~ There is always hope for things to get better.
No I don't even think of giving up, and neither should you. We all get down at times, but everything looks better the next day. Just hang on until you feel better, my friend.
Do take care, Those robos need you.
Cheers, Merle.

Eileen said...

Yeah, the poster was a result of dim witted humour of the toilet type. Arse = crack. Nevermind.

When I go over there in April with my better half, I am going into a pub on a Sunday to have roast dinner. I wouldn't feel like I've really done everything I've wanted to in England if I didn't. That, and i would really like to recreate the final scene in Quadrophenia where he throws the scooter off the cliff, seeing as my boyfriend is from Brighton it should be easy enough to arrange. Finally, since I was a child I have been facinated with the life atop the roofs of London, ever since seeing Mary Poppins, soooo..... ;)

Ramble on. Have a good weekend.

Gledwood said...

Chic-H: not THAT great

Carver: I'm like you. No confidence. "The restaurant does it better" but I am determined to crack their secrets if it KILLS ME!!

Kahshe: Those stars I took off someone else's comment! Just highlight them in blue then control C and control V to put down again... that is all I did I haven't a clue what the ASCII/other code for them is..!

1-treeplanted: blogging on youtube? You mean you speaking LIVE to camera? wow!

Gledwood said...

Jan: Curry is sposedly the national dish here: I opted to learn "Chinese" cookery over Indian 1st as Chinese you can eat every day of the week... Indian would get a bit overpowering!

Zhu: I am zeroing in on that precise recipe if it bloody kills me I shall find it!

Kyknoord: that is a Cape Dutch name? sounds like it...

Re recipe: you know the Chinese: "inscrutible" to a T

Gledwood said...

Steve: but I have to say it wasn't until this morning when ALL would have been gone including the traces I would have put on my heroin spoon that I truly felt any "empowerment"

Merle: I am glad you sound positive despite everything I wish I could have some of your strength

Eileen: Mary Poppins is "storming" the London stage... (or is it sound of music? I forget)... I just love that huge plant coming out of the bag... remember?

Akelamalu said...

I'm so proud of you - you sent the dealer packing! You should feel proud of yourself too. x

gledwood said...

I'm tryin'...

Liz said...

Well done, gleds, on not buying on 'trust'.

You will find the answer (to the Chinese curry)! You are so determined.

I made lamb roghan josh/jalfrezi last night (with Patak's curry pastes). Left to cook slowly for about 3 hours, it was yummy.

Gledwood said...

I would love to learn cooking Indian curries next

only not quite now my belly could not tolerate it!!

Gledwood said...

I would love to learn cooking Indian curries next

only not quite now my belly could not tolerate it!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood