HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Marathon Sleep/八角 bat gok/ba jiao/star anise currytrail


MARATHON SLEEP? I did at least fourteen hours last night. And even when I tried to get up I just ended up sleeping again. "Drugs" didn't come into it either as I took nothing nonprescribed (ie nothing except methadone).

Last night I was in a very dire mood. On reflection what happened was that I topped up a little too much drink on top of an already mournful "humour" and ended up feeling quite morbid.

All I seem to do is eat and sleep. So maybe there is something in that SAD thing. Otherwise it is what they call "atypical" depression - that is depression with increased sleep and appetite and a reactive mood - rather than the flatline or "worse in the morning, better in the evening" typical of more "traditional" downers.

Zhu told me the the curry ingredient I'm probably looking for is 八角 (ba jiao in Mandarin; bat gok in Cantonese - both mean "eight sides" referring to the "star shape"... It is in fivespice and I did find it in my local supermarket (eventually) but held of purchasing it when I saw a jar full of whole Stars. Aparently the spice degrades quite rapidly when pulverized ...

All I can say with any authority so far about the elusive Chinese curry is that it almost certainly contains: onions, garlick, ginger (not overpoweringly so) and star anise (again not overpoweringly). The colour is distinctive: most Brits will know what I mean, it is a mid yellow-orange-brown colour NOT red - this again must be a clue. (As I've said before I cannot vouch for curry sauces in other countries. It seems to be elusive enough just to capture the one you get here...

And so the search continues!

11 comments:

Akelamalu said...

You must need all that sleep!

Helen said...

Hi Gledwood,
My hub and daughter in law are both accountants so my life tends to revolve around finances. I do hope you friend will come down under. He will onbly see redback spides if he moves old sheets of corrugated iron where they tend to lurk. I doubt very much that he will experirnce tho old outdoor loo where they sometimes sot on the toilet seat. Our hospitals have heasps of antivenine for emergencies. Tell him ther will be no problem and if he doesn't go to Sydney he won't have tp worry about trapdoor spiders anyway. give him some encouragement. He is missing a beautiful country.

Bimbimbie said...

Have you tried taking vitamin D during the winter months when you don't get to see and feel the sun ... supposed to help with SAD disorder, especially if you are craving carbs more than usual - which is what most of us do anyway in winter spuds spuds and more spuds in any shape or form *!*

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: surely must've :: didn't sleep nearly as long last night...

Helen: what about mouse spiders tho!...?!?

(joke!)

Bimbimbie: I haven't tried vit D you get a lot of it in carrots, don't you..?

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Enjoy the sleep.I sure could use some.

Sounds like you may need some light therapy.It has helped me in the past this time of year. Gloomy weather makes for a gloomy mood.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I'm sure there's something in SAD, too. Keep us up to date on the curry saga! Love from Simi and me xx

Nicole said...

GLED - Carrots do not have a lot of Vitamin D, the only really good way for your body to produce Vitamin D is to be exposed to sun-light. Otherwise, fatty fish, such as salmon, mackrel... sardines are good too as is tuna, catfish and eel.

Vitamin D is called the "feel-good vitamin" and it puts you in a good mood. Studies have found that people living in countries with a lot of cloud cover or darkness lack Vitamin D and get depressed easier. (I used to drink it pill-form during the Dutch winters).

lettuce said...

hey gled. feeling a bit SAD myself. I love sleep so much.

hope you are feeling a bit brighter. wasn't the sun lovely yesterday?

Gledwood said...

Preposterous: Did you use one of those full-spectrum lightboxes? Or just a "natural light" bulb...? I've heard that unless the light is above a certain power it's basically not worth bothering with ... is that right? I don't know the ohms/amps/vaults/amounts ... lux? candelas? whatevers I dunno them but I know they gotta be HIGH to snap you outta the pitsome winter blues...

o and btw my blog is NOT blue bc of depression... someone once said that might be depressing me... blue is an oceanic colour to me... I only use the expression "blues" because others understand it... to me melancholia is grey toning into deepest cavernous black!

Welshcakes: o yeah I have narrowed it even further. I'm pretty sure Chicken Oxo plays a part... seriously!

Nicole: I love oily fish. Not so much into white fish myself but a nice bitta sardines or sild are my favourite canned fish... actually fresh too. Yummm! I love fish. Apart from the swimming, fresh fish is my big +++ of why I think it's good to live beside the sea

Lettuce: erm... can't remember!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood