HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, January 18, 2008

Better and Sublime


HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS RATHER fanciful image of a McDonald's Double Cheeseburger? Because yes I think I am better! And I ate one last night (though it was nowhere near as ripe and towering as the image suggests...) ... also, being part of the "poundsaver" menu those cost £1.19 here (up from 99p) which translates as $2.50 at the worst exchange rate... somewhere around $2.15 now (I think...)

Is it true in America they cost just $1~?!? For a double cheeseburger, that is..?

Wow. How come EVERYTHING seems to be cheaper State"side"..?

I have consumed 1x500ml can cyder 7.5%ABV today, 1x500ml Coca Cola and 1xplate MSG-style eggfried rice... plus I know I shouldn't have done this but I was thirsty: I drank a litre of value orange juice and suffered no worse effects than some slight bloating. All the guttering gurgling inner mud-boiling gallumphing has gone and thank God! Hurrah!!

(The skylark you'll see why if you scroll down to the "pome" at the bottom; the micromys minutus European harvest mouse I just put in because it looks cute ...

*

I NOTICED MY THREE GREMLINS all up and zipping about at midday today. Their bodyclocks have become confused by my proclivity for hiding them under a bedsheet during daylight hours (from Evilstein's prying eyes) and opening them up to common gaze at night. Which means, being contrary little swines that they are, they've taken to sleeping at night and waking up by daytime which in Outer Mongolia, where they come from, would surely get them killed.

Anyway imagine my surprise when I suddenly witnessed a parmesan tube dancing about of its own accord. Standing in before it, ears up like a transfixed Porkshire terrier was Itchy. I have never seen her in a state of such astonishment. Turned out Spherical had got her head stuck while climbing in and was shaking the entire tub up and down in a hilarious attempt to remove it ...(!)

*

Now:~ speaking of sublime things, here is the dead poet Shelley's yodel; sorry "ode" to a tweetling birdie:~~

To a Skylark

HAIL to thee, blithe spirit!
Bird thou never wert—
That from heaven or near it
Pourest thy full heart
In profuse strains of unpremeditated art.

Higher still and higher
From the earth thou springest,
Like a cloud of fire;
The blue deep thou wingest,
And singing still dost soar, and soaring ever singest.

In the golden light'ning
Of the sunken sun,
O'er which clouds are bright'ning,
Thou dost float and run,
Like an unbodied joy whose race is just begun.

The pale purple even
Melts around thy flight;
Like a star of heaven,
In the broad daylight
Thou art unseen, but yet I hear thy shrill delight—

Keen as are the arrows
Of that silver sphere
Whose intense lamp narrows
In the white dawn clear,
Until we hardly see, we feel that it is there.

All the earth and air
With thy voice is loud,
As when night is bare,
From one lonely cloud
The moon rains out her beams, and heaven is overflow'd.

What thou art we know not;
What is most like thee?
From rainbow clouds there flow not
Drops so bright to see,
As from thy presence showers a rain of melody:—

Like a poet hidden
In the light of thought,
Singing hymns unbidden,
Till the world is wrought
To sympathy with hopes and fears it heeded not:

Like a high-born maiden
In a palace tower,
Soothing her love-laden
Soul in secret hour
With music sweet as love, which overflows her bower:

Like a glow-worm golden
In a dell of dew,
Scattering unbeholden
Its aërial hue
Among the flowers and grass which screen it from the view:

Like a rose embower'd
In its own green leaves,
By warm winds deflower'd,
Till the scent it gives
Makes faint with too much sweet those heavy-wingèd thieves.

Sound of vernal showers
On the twinkling grass,
Rain-awaken'd flowers—
All that ever was
Joyous and clear and fresh—thy music doth surpass.

Teach us, sprite or bird,
What sweet thoughts are thine:
I have never heard
Praise of love or wine
That panted forth a flood of rapture so divine.

Chorus hymeneal,
Or triumphal chant,
Match'd with thine would be all
But an empty vaunt—
A thin wherein we feel there is some hidden want.

What objects are the fountains
Of thy happy strain?
What fields, or waves, or mountains?
What shapes of sky or plain?
What love of thine own kind? what ignorance of pain?

With thy clear keen joyance
Languor cannot be:
Shadow of annoyance
Never came near thee:
Thou lovest, but ne'er knew love's sad satiety.

Waking or asleep,
Thou of death must deem
Things more true and deep
Than we mortals dream,
Or how could thy notes flow in such a crystal stream?

We look before and after,
And pine for what is not:
Our sincerest laughter
With some pain is fraught;
Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.

Yet, if we could scorn
Hate and pride and fear,
If we were things born
Not to shed a tear,
I know not how thy joy we ever should come near.

Better than all measures
Of delightful sound,
Better than all treasures
That in books are found,
Thy skill to poet were, thou scorner of the ground!

Teach me half the gladness
That thy brain must know;
Such harmonious madness
From my lips would flow,
The world should listen then, as I am listening now.

by Percy "Bushy" Shelley


Videos:
1. Mozart: Requiem
2. Mozart: Requiem Tranced Up

17 comments:

Nessa said...

I love Mozart and Strauss turned up real loud when I'm home alone.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Were you dehydrated? Sounds like it.

Yes, McD’s double cheeseburgers are now $1.00 on this side of the pond. However, I believe the price is just a temporary promotion Mickey D’s is running.

I really love birds in flight. I have several prints of them, from falcons to eagles, hanging on my walls.

Pod said...

hello little furry thing! sorry i have been so rude and not responded for a while. moving house etc. thanks for your lovely comments! and happy furry new year!

Josie said...

Gledwood, your blog is always so much fun. I love the videos! And yes, I played them full blast.

McDonald's double cheeseburgers will kill you. :-)

Emperor Ropi said...

I don't like McDonald's. In Scotland I saw a McDonalds which looked completely different from ours. It looked like a restaurant.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

How the hell can they call it a pound saver if it's over a pound? We have the most expensive maccas in the world.

CrystalChick said...

I love alot of classical music and do have Requiem on cd.... can't listen to your videos right now with having to use the library computer I keep forgetting to bring my headphones.
Yes, we have a 'dollar menu' at McD's and the double cheeseburger is on it. I think you can also get a McChicken sandwich, and a few other items. It's very inexpensive to clog an artery here but the Doc bills to fix it are obviously insane. lol
Have a nice weekend!

Deb said...

Linds is still sleeping so can't turn them up loud, which is the only way I listen to music.

In reality, the cheeseburgers don't look anything like that...they're usually sliding apart from the grease with greasy fingerprints on the top from throwing them together. Not at all like that.

$1.39 (Canada)

Akelamalu said...

Glad to hear you're feeling better Gleds, though a litre of orange juice could have started you off again! :(

Whitenoise said...

I thought I saw $1.19 in the Toronto area, could be wrong- seldom ever buy the things. (Watch Supersize Me, that'll put you off Scrawny Ronnies)

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ So glad to hear that you are better, but if you get that again, you had better drink some liquids as you must have been very dehydrated. I remember reading that Poem by Shelley at school in about 1948 ~ Hell what a great memory !!
That's a long time ago.
Take care of yourself and your family of Robos. Best Wishes, Merle.

Vincent said...

Why don't you buy a bottle of cordial mate? Sounds like you're just grabbing whatever is available a bit.

I always ask for a cheeseburger "plain" at McD. Because:
A) I don't want anything else on it but burger and cheese.
B) They dont sell many and thus make them fresh :-)

Gledwood said...

Nessa: yeah man!!

Nick: not THAT dehydrated! Just gettin' excited..! (Call it the weekend...(!!))

Pod: a FURRY NEW YEAR TO YOU TOO... hey how d'you like my NEW FURRINESS!?> excellent, heh?

Josie: you're right about the cheeseburgers... before I die I hope my blog continues to entertain you...!

;->...

Gledwood said...

Ropi: ... "it looked like a restaurant" ... I like that... so... WHAT ON EARTH DO YOUR LOCAL ONES LOOK LIKE THEN~?!?

Vi Vi: ... erm... I think they mean "just over a pound 'saver' menus"... or summut like

yeah I agree == nonsense ..!!

:->...

Crystalchick: o! American doctors'/hospital bills/med insurance... rIDICULOUS! I had a real rant on someone's blog last week about how even CHRISTOPHER REEVE ~ superman! RAN OUT OF INSURANCE... that system is DIRE if it lets stuff like that happen.... TRULY DIRE

sorry == in reply to your POINT may I say... what WAS the bloody point? O yeah. Dollar Saver Menus. We have that nasty chicken thing also. But the double cheese I far prefer. I just think it's really taking the PISS to charge $2.30-$2.50 for something you get for a single DOLLAR ~ ie 50p here!!

Debs: you're quite right... bloody hell you get it FAR cheaper than us.. probably half price how typical of RIPOFF BRITAIN as our press have been calling it...

in the 1980s we Brits used to come back from France mocking and complaining how they paid £1 for a can of Coke in Paris and all manner of other French ripoffs... now it's ripoff Britain... nasty business!! :-<...

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: I know EXACTLY what you mean... but it DIDN'T... apart from the odd twinge I've been fine ALL WEEKEND!! How excellent is that... i'm nearly 100% better now, 5 days later... the main "thing" lasted only 2 days which was mercifully short, don't you think!! Considering how chocolate milkshakey and very squirily thin my trots actually were! ;->...

Whitenoise: hey you must surely have heard about that BA plane that went down at London Heathrow... any comments on that....~??

Merle:
my family of robos are quite ok I'm trying to take care of myself... many thanks for your regards and concern Merle you are ever so sweet... as for dehydration/ fluids I've been topping up with Coke and more recently water. During the worst of the "trots" I basically avoided too much water as I only felt I was "fuelling" the diarrhoea out!!

Vince: I've noticed that when I ask for "no pickles" it comes back rushed and undercooked. The cheese is hardly EVER melted down/in properly...

I love the relish/etc too much to have cheeseburgers plain I'm afraid..!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood